Tuesday, OctOBER 4, 2005, 2:07 PM I am at Loretto to visit Mom after an appointment with Dr. Milton who says my blood pressure is down and good,I don?t have lupus, or any other of those scary diseases she was testing me for. I have "food sensitivities" which we already knew. But that's good news.
The BAD news is that I waited over an hour and a halfto see her, because of, apparently, a computermalfunction. Compared to having lupus or some other dread disease, that's minor, but it was a big PAIN.
The worse news is that on my way to her office, I tripped and dropped my brand new used Psion, Sylvia P, and it came apart into 7 pieces,and while I ahve it partlytogether enough so it works, it is all floppy and still half in pieces. Where is Keith when I need him? Keith, where are you, I need you! WAHN! :-((
It's very hit today, record breaking heat, they expect. I hope to take Mom out for a walk. The car is like an oven, the sun is scorchinly hot, but it is coolish in the shade because the nights are cool and the ground retains some of the cooless.
I'm bummed that I lost so much time and that that time could not be used for writing, poetry etc, because of the failure of both devices I had with me. One of the batteries were lost when sSylvia hit the pavement and I never did find it. so I couldn't use Sylvia ever when I put her together. And Cleo's keyboard was locked and wouldn?t work. Some little boy took 25 or so poictures ofhimself with my camera.
2:19 PM When it is time to take Mom out, she decided she has to go to the bathroom. I look in herroom forthe catfood for that grey cat, but I can't find it. They probably threw it away, which makes memad,because I paid for it. And I forgot to bring any more.
This Psion, Sylvia, like Pasada B, all the others, always goes back to itsdefaul font size setting,no matter how many times I reset it.
\n\n\n2:23 PM The aid that took Momto the bathroom just went down\nthe elevaotr--did they leave her on the toielt? will anyone be getting her off? \nDo they see that I am here WAITING for her? Does anyone care?\n\n\nMom is hollering, Mary, Mary. I go get someone and they come\nand help her. They lookannoyed,but they\nshouldn?tgo off and leave a patient with dementia \n\n\n3:12 PM I signedin at 2:15 and out at 3:15 (according to\ntheir clocks). Sylvia is a minute or\ntwo slow. I should fix that now. Supposed to be record breaking heat\ntoday,and it IS HOT! I took her\nfor a walk and we petted the cat and I took somepictures. We never found the catfood can. But someone has been feeding the\ncat--there is dry food and water out.\n\n\nI watered her plants andlooked around for mail, but the only\nmail I saw was my own postcards. That\ndoesn?t mean that there hasn?tbeen mail. \nShe loses things, and ferrets things away.\n\n\nPoor Sylvia, she?s all floppy and needs help. I need Keith.\n\n\n3:24 PM I am at Clark for my daily walk. AK, this whole day will be gone and I won?t\nhave accomplished anything by harming poor Sylvia, and my doctor\'s appointmment\nand visiting Mom. Of course these doctor\'s appoints are WHY\nI AM HERE in NY, so I guess that?s an accomplishment.\n\n\nIt just seems that it took way more time thatit should have\nan I NEED my time.\n\n\nI am also worried because I signed up to take this course,\nbut I can\'t use Eeyore, the SLR, because I don?t know where her charger\nis. And I?m going to be traveling AND\nI\'m now not moving Blue so that when I\'m in town,I can work on the pictures for\nthe course. I wish I had NOT signed up\nfor the course until I got moved and settled, but at the rate things are going,\nI could DIE of OLD age before I get moved.\n\n\nI need to pack.",1]
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2:23 PM The aid that took Momto the bathroom just went down the elevaotr--did they leave her on the toielt? will anyone be getting her off? Do they see that I am here WAITING for her? Does anyone care?
Mom is hollering, Mary, Mary. I go get someone and they come and help her. They lookannoyed,but they shouldn?tgo off and leave a patient with dementia
3:12 PM I signedin at 2:15 and out at 3:15 (according to their clocks). Sylvia is a minute or two slow. I should fix that now. Supposed to be record breaking heat today,and it IS HOT! I took her for a walk and we petted the cat and I took somepictures. We never found the catfood can. But someone has been feeding the cat--there is dry food and water out.
I watered her plants andlooked around for mail, but the only mail I saw was my own postcards. That doesn?t mean that there hasn?tbeen mail. She loses things, and ferrets things away.
Poor Sylvia, she?s all floppy and needs help. I need Keith.
3:24 PM I am at Clark for my daily walk. AK, this whole day will be gone and I won?t have accomplished anything by harming poor Sylvia, and my doctor's appointmment and visiting Mom. Of course these doctor's appoints are WHY I AM HERE in NY, so I guess that?s an accomplishment.
It just seems that it took way more time thatit should have an I NEED my time.
I am also worried because I signed up to take this course, but I can't use Eeyore, the SLR, because I don?t know where her charger is. And I?m going to be traveling AND I'm now not moving Blue so that when I'm in town,I can work on the pictures for the course. I wish I had NOT signed up for the course until I got moved and settled, but at the rate things are going, I could DIE of OLD age before I get moved.
I need to pack.
I\nneed to pack for Maine and Detroit, but one of issues is I don?t have enough\nclothes. I don?t have enough clothes to\npack ahead for the trip and still have something to wear in the meantime! Not that there\'smuch meantime left. Tonight (and I wasplanning to go to a poetry\nreading at LeMoyne) and tomorrow. \nThat\'s it. The probalem is, I HAVE to\npack tonoght and tomorrow before 5:25 because I am meeting the girls at Loretto\nand then eating with the girls and then Thursday morning, Mom has an\nappointment and I need to meet her there. \nI needto be able to leave DIRECTLY from the doctor\'s which means I need\nto havethe car packed by Wednesday afternoon.\n\n\nTwo crows just flew up, I hear the whoosh whoosh whoosh of\ntheir wings andlooked up into the golden tree to see a black so deep as to look\nlike ahole, a rent in the fabric of tree and sky, a black bird-shaped hole into\nwhich I could fall, upwards into nothingness. The two black crows and a black\nsquirrel.\n\n\nAnd now a third crow. \nI?m looking for pattern and line and texture and color. For rule of thirds. But The three black crows lose themselves in\nthe gold of sunlit autumn leaves. It is\nalmost asif they weren\'tthere,but for a flick of tail or a twist of head.\n\n\nAnd the sqeaking of the chains of the swings --there must be\na child, one lonely child. No I hear\nvoices, more than one.\n\n\nI wonder why htey planted honey locusts here,onnative\nspecies. Why not sugar maple?\n\n\n3:41 It may be hot,\nbut the trees know it\'s October and are obliingly turning color, bright reds\nand oranges. And yellows and golds.\n\n\n3:46 I don?t want to\nbe so busy looking for pattern, line, texture, color, rule of thirds etc, that\nI miss some other good shot that doesn?t fit the syllabus.\n\n\n3:55 PM I am sitting\non a rock in the shade on the top of the cliff trail",1]
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I need to pack for Maine and Detroit, but one of issues is I don?t have enough clothes. I don?t have enough clothes to pack ahead for the trip and still have something to wear in the meantime! Not that there'smuch meantime left. Tonight (and I wasplanning to go to a poetry reading at LeMoyne) and tomorrow. That's it. The probalem is, I HAVE to pack tonoght and tomorrow before 5:25 because I am meeting the girls at Loretto and then eating with the girls and then Thursday morning, Mom has an appointment and I need to meet her there. I needto be able to leave DIRECTLY from the doctor's which means I need to havethe car packed by Wednesday afternoon.
Two crows just flew up, I hear the whoosh whoosh whoosh of their wings andlooked up into the golden tree to see a black so deep as to look like ahole, a rent in the fabric of tree and sky, a black bird-shaped hole into which I could fall, upwards into nothingness. The two black crows and a black squirrel.
And now a third crow. I?m looking for pattern and line and texture and color. For rule of thirds. But The three black crows lose themselves in the gold of sunlit autumn leaves. It is almost asif they weren'tthere,but for a flick of tail or a twist of head.
And the sqeaking of the chains of the swings --there must be a child, one lonely child. No I hear voices, more than one.
I wonder why htey planted honey locusts here,onnative species. Why not sugar maple?
3:41 It may be hot, but the trees know it's October and are obliingly turning color, bright reds and oranges. And yellows and golds.
3:46 I don?t want to be so busy looking for pattern, line, texture, color, rule of thirds etc, that I miss some other good shot that doesn?t fit the syllabus.
3:55 PM I am sitting on a rock in the shade on the top of the cliff trail
The view\'s not as good as it used to be because so many trees\nhave grown up to block it. I know I\'m\nols when I can remember how different things used to be, almost everywhere I\ngo. Since I\'m short on time, I\'m not\ngoing down to the lake or taking the long trail. I need to run home and do laundry. And if I don\'t hurry up and go home, it will almost not be worth\ngoing at all, because I\'ll lose more than an hour driving back and forth. And, an hour\'s worth of gas. This day is not working out at all\nwell. Murphy hard at work!\n\n\nIt\'s a beautiful day,in the shade. A day to sit, relax, and write. \nI wish.\n\n\nI hear a heron taking off from the lakeshore. I rmember\nwistfully the days when I took a leave of absence fromwork andwnetto VC and\ncame here and other places to sit on this rock at the top of the cliff and\nwrite. Just do my work. Quietly work.\n\n\nWednesday, October 5, 2005, 4:32 PM I am on my constituional\nat OLP West Shore, walking along the river toward the lake, the smell of the\nlake rising to assault my nose, the gentle smells of algae and fish and\npollution. It\'s another hot day, but it is clearly October. Many of the trees are yellow. None (yet) are red orangen,juts tttellow and\ngreen,but bright yellow. \n\n\nA man is fishing, people are sunning, walking their\ndogs. Riding bikes,a woman with white hair like Dawn McDuffie\'s. \n\n\nI\'ve been crying. I\nthink I ate something bad, probably last night at the poetry reading. \'ve been desperately tryingg to ornagize for\nboth my trip to Maine and my trip to Detroit, because when I get back, I will\nonly have one transitional day before Ileave agin for Detrait. I just can\'t seem to do it,not well. Some\npeople are orgaized and some are not, and I\'m just not. I HAVE to be ready to leave tonight because\ntomorrow, I have to leave early to take my Mom to the doctor, and then I am\nplanning to leave from there to go to NH, to Heidi\'s.",1]
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The view's not as good as it used to be because so many trees have grown up to block it. I know I'm ols when I can remember how different things used to be, almost everywhere I go. Since I'm short on time, I'm not going down to the lake or taking the long trail. I need to run home and do laundry. And if I don't hurry up and go home, it will almost not be worth going at all, because I'll lose more than an hour driving back and forth. And, an hour's worth of gas. This day is not working out at all well. Murphy hard at work!
It's a beautiful day,in the shade. A day to sit, relax, and write. I wish.
I hear a heron taking off from the lakeshore. I rmember wistfully the days when I took a leave of absence fromwork andwnetto VC and came here and other places to sit on this rock at the top of the cliff and write. Just do my work. Quietly work.
Wednesday, October 5, 2005, 4:32 PM I am on my constituional at OLP West Shore, walking along the river toward the lake, the smell of the lake rising to assault my nose, the gentle smells of algae and fish and pollution. It's another hot day, but it is clearly October. Many of the trees are yellow. None (yet) are red orangen,juts tttellow and green,but bright yellow.
A man is fishing, people are sunning, walking their dogs. Riding bikes,a woman with white hair like Dawn McDuffie's.
I've been crying. I think I ate something bad, probably last night at the poetry reading. 've been desperately tryingg to ornagize for both my trip to Maine and my trip to Detroit, because when I get back, I will only have one transitional day before Ileave agin for Detrait. I just can't seem to do it,not well. Some people are orgaized and some are not, and I'm just not. I HAVE to be ready to leave tonight because tomorrow, I have to leave early to take my Mom to the doctor, and then I am planning to leave from there to go to NH, to Heidi's.
I freaked out, first I got angry because while I was in Erin\'s\nold room getting something I needed for the trip, the bird flew in and pooped\non the bed--he mattress I bought, which was exposed because I\'d taken the\nsheets off to wash them. I was already\nrunning late, and had to stop andclean it, clean that one thing while\neverything else disintegrates, and I creamed at the bird and then started\ncrying.\n\n\nThen I was listening to astory on NPR about a woman named\nSharon who came back to herhouse to find it essentially totally ruined and was\ncrying. I was crying too, crying for\nher, crying in guilt because my problems seem pitifully small compared to hers\nbut are still difficult for me, crying for me because I just can\'t get it\ntogther.\n\n\nCrying because so much time got wasted in the past few days,\nI might have actually been able to be ready, crying because I can\'t find the\nbattery charger for my good camera, crying because I probably should nOT have\nsigned up for that course, that BP course, when I have so much elseon my plate,\nbut everything is dragging out and out andout and my creativity is being lost\nto petty crap.\n\n\nI was picturing taking pictures for my class while I was in\nMaine. But of course, if I cannot find\nthe baterycharger, I won\'t be able to use Eeyore, the Canon EOS 10D. That\'s the camera I considerto be my\nprimary camera, my creatice tool.\n\n\nI meant to ask Sara if I could borrow the little Canon back\ntemporarily, but I forgot.\n\n\nThe mosquitoes are bad.This will encourage me to hurry and\nnot loiter.\n\n\nI walk by something really smelly. Like sewage.\n\n\nI look around as Iwalk, searching for colors,texture,\npattern, line. There is lots of that,\nbut the other rule is that we\'re not allowed to CROP the picture, except\nminorly, and we\'renot allowed to adjust the picture except levels and saturation.\nThat lets OUT a lot of possibilties as far as I?m cocerned.",1]
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I freaked out, first I got angry because while I was in Erin's old room getting something I needed for the trip, the bird flew in and pooped on the bed--he mattress I bought, which was exposed because I'd taken the sheets off to wash them. I was already running late, and had to stop andclean it, clean that one thing while everything else disintegrates, and I creamed at the bird and then started crying.
Then I was listening to astory on NPR about a woman named Sharon who came back to herhouse to find it essentially totally ruined and was crying. I was crying too, crying for her, crying in guilt because my problems seem pitifully small compared to hers but are still difficult for me, crying for me because I just can't get it togther.
Crying because so much time got wasted in the past few days, I might have actually been able to be ready, crying because I can't find the battery charger for my good camera, crying because I probably should nOT have signed up for that course, that BP course, when I have so much elseon my plate, but everything is dragging out and out andout and my creativity is being lost to petty crap.
I was picturing taking pictures for my class while I was in Maine. But of course, if I cannot find the baterycharger, I won't be able to use Eeyore, the Canon EOS 10D. That's the camera I considerto be my primary camera, my creatice tool.
I meant to ask Sara if I could borrow the little Canon back temporarily, but I forgot.
The mosquitoes are bad.This will encourage me to hurry and not loiter.
I walk by something really smelly. Like sewage.
I look around as Iwalk, searching for colors,texture, pattern, line. There is lots of that, but the other rule is that we're not allowed to CROP the picture, except minorly, and we'renot allowed to adjust the picture except levels and saturation. That lets OUT a lot of possibilties as far as I?m cocerned.
Bryan Peterson, I think that\'s the teacher\'s nname,believes\nin getting the picture right INSIDE the camera. I agree that the best pictures start with the best\n"negatives" or original digital images. But I personally see nothing wrong with cropping for the ideal\nimage if there was somereason why you could not or didnot get it the first\ntime.\n\n\nI guess I need to find out more about the coursesbefore I\ntake them. And take something on photo\nmanipulation. Or just keep playing and\nreading books on my own. But then,\nthere is no helpful critical feedback.\n\n\nThe feedback BP members give each other is usually PAP! It is entirely unuseful. It?s alot of indiscriminate praise. Praiseis\nnicewhen deserved, but I value praise less when I seepeople dishing it out\nliberally to bad mages.\n\n\nI udnerstnad wantingto be supportive, but it seems to me\nthat very few peopleknow how to truly give supportive construcive\ncriticism. There ought to be a school\nfor that.\n\n\nI have body issues:\n\n\n•\n \nI\'m obese,and I hate being obese\n\n\n•\n \nYesterday, when they stuck Mom on the toilet and left her\nthere, at Loretto, I wanted someone elseto help her. I did not want to\n"intrude" on her privacy.\n\n\n•\n \nI was uncomfortable when the man in the wheelchair wanted me\nto scratch his back.",1]
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Bryan Peterson, I think that's the teacher's name,believes in getting the picture right INSIDE the camera. I agree that the best pictures start with the best "negatives" or original digital images. But I personally see nothing wrong with cropping for the ideal image if there was somereason why you could not or didnot get it the first time.
I guess I need to find out more about the coursesbefore I take them. And take something on photo manipulation. Or just keep playing and reading books on my own. But then, there is no helpful critical feedback.
The feedback BP members give each other is usually PAP! It is entirely unuseful. It?s alot of indiscriminate praise. Praiseis nicewhen deserved, but I value praise less when I seepeople dishing it out liberally to bad mages.
I udnerstnad wantingto be supportive, but it seems to me that very few peopleknow how to truly give supportive construcive criticism. There ought to be a school for that.
I have body issues:
• I'm obese,and I hate being obese
• Yesterday, when they stuck Mom on the toilet and left her there, at Loretto, I wanted someone elseto help her. I did not want to "intrude" on her privacy.
• I was uncomfortable when the man in the wheelchair wanted me to scratch his back.
It seemed like a\nboundary-crossing act to me. I did\nit,because everyone needs to have their back scratched and he was in a\nwheelchair and couldn\'t reach. But I was clearly upset by it.\n\n\nI could go on, but the point is, I do have issues. It?s hard to know, for me,what\'s\napproapriate and what\'s not.\n\n\nI walk by poison-ivy coveredtrees that are red, yellow and\nornage. One is brilliant scarlet. Also some silver maples are brillinat\nscarley. I\'m carrying mycamera, but so far have taken no picturesin spite of\nthe fact it\'s alovley day, sunny and colorful.\n\n\nI wrote a poem once that startedout something like this:\n\n\nit\'s too much. Getting up every day, doing\n\n\nwhat has to be done,it\'sall too much\n\n\n(only better -written, I hope than that.) I feel srt of like thattoday. For no reason. I feel like there is something wrong with me.\n I\'m not normal, I\'mabnormal. I have no\norganization skills, I\'m missing some gene. \nI\'m incompetant.\n\n\nI sound like I\'mdepressed,but I don\'tgenerally feel that\ndepressed,I just feel incapable and incompetant. I think I\'m gtting worse, not better. I think I ate something that?s making me feel worse. I always thought my father was crazy when he\nthought sitting in a draft gave him a cold. \nIt doesn?tgive me a cold. But\neveryone thinks I\'m crazy when I think I\'ve eaten something that makes me sick. Or weid. \nExcept Ami Milton, and a few ofmy doctors, who seem to agree with me.\nNot everyone thinks I\'m crazy, thank god!\n\n\nI have very ambivalent feelings about this ADD thing. If it turns out I do have ADD,I\'ll have some\nvery mixed feelings!\n\n\n•",1]
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It seemed like a boundary-crossing act to me. I did it,because everyone needs to have their back scratched and he was in a wheelchair and couldn't reach. But I was clearly upset by it.
I could go on, but the point is, I do have issues. It?s hard to know, for me,what's approapriate and what's not.
I walk by poison-ivy coveredtrees that are red, yellow and ornage. One is brilliant scarlet. Also some silver maples are brillinat scarley. I'm carrying mycamera, but so far have taken no picturesin spite of the fact it's alovley day, sunny and colorful.
I wrote a poem once that startedout something like this:
it's too much. Getting up every day, doing
what has to be done,it'sall too much
(only better -written, I hope than that.) I feel srt of like thattoday. For no reason. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I'm not normal, I'mabnormal. I have no organization skills, I'm missing some gene. I'm incompetant.
I sound like I'mdepressed,but I don'tgenerally feel that depressed,I just feel incapable and incompetant. I think I'm gtting worse, not better. I think I ate something that?s making me feel worse. I always thought my father was crazy when he thought sitting in a draft gave him a cold. It doesn?tgive me a cold. But everyone thinks I'm crazy when I think I've eaten something that makes me sick. Or weid. Except Ami Milton, and a few ofmy doctors, who seem to agree with me. Not everyone thinks I'm crazy, thank god!
I have very ambivalent feelings about this ADD thing. If it turns out I do have ADD,I'll have some very mixed feelings!
•
I will feel a senseof relief and vindication of sorts that\nthere is a REASN (eg, excuse), a real medical disease or cause for my lack of\nattentiveness and my disorganiztion.\n\n\n•\n \nI will feel a senseof grief that this was not diagnsedearlier,\nwhen my wholelifemight have been able to have been improved\n\n\n•\n \nI will be very worried and concerned about the diet and meds\nrequiredto treat the cndtion. I will\nworry that because of my ADD, I will have trouble following a cmplex diet\nregime. I will worry that Ritalin, a\nStilulant, will worsen my insomnia.\n\n\nOn the other hand, if I do NOT have ADD, I may have a deep\nsense of despair about my inabilty to functionin the world.\n\n\nI jog the rest of the way out of the trail, the heck with\npictures. I\'m being severely chewed by\ninsects.\n\n\nI walked 49 and a halfminues, I meant to only walk 40, since\nI expect to walk my Mom. But I\nforgot. And it would have been more if\nI hadn?t run at the end.\n\n\nAK! Nw I\'m all\nitchy!\n\n\nPoor Sylvia, she needs some loving attention from Keith.\n\n\n5:56 PM I am at Loretto, again.\n\n\nI feel really tired. \nI hope I can sleep. I hope I\nwon\'teed stimulants tomorrow.\n\n\n \n\n-- I am certain of nothing but the Heart\'s affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats",1]
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I will feel a senseof relief and vindication of sorts that there is a REASN (eg, excuse), a real medical disease or cause for my lack of attentiveness and my disorganiztion.
• I will feel a senseof grief that this was not diagnsedearlier, when my wholelifemight have been able to have been improved
• I will be very worried and concerned about the diet and meds requiredto treat the cndtion. I will worry that because of my ADD, I will have trouble following a cmplex diet regime. I will worry that Ritalin, a Stilulant, will worsen my insomnia.
On the other hand, if I do NOT have ADD, I may have a deep sense of despair about my inabilty to functionin the world.
I jog the rest of the way out of the trail, the heck with pictures. I'm being severely chewed by insects.
I walked 49 and a halfminues, I meant to only walk 40, since I expect to walk my Mom. But I forgot. And it would have been more if I hadn?t run at the end.
AK! Nw I'm all itchy!
Poor Sylvia, she needs some loving attention from Keith.
5:56 PM I am at Loretto, again.
I feel really tired. I hope I can sleep. I hope I won'teed stimulants tomorrow.

Sylvia P on Michael Sickler etc

wekaplan@lycos.com
Michael Sickler Dec 15 lecture on art and poetry at Everson
Thursday, October 3, 2005, 8'08 PM I am writing on my new Psion, who I have just named Sylvia P. (For Silver Psion.) It's not new; it's used. It came priority mail between the time I got home from walking at three Rivers with Sharon G. and the time I left to go see Mom at Loretto.
Some people stopped to ask me for directions to Genesee Street as I was sitting on a window ledge writing on Silvia P. The thing is, Genesee Street does weird things here and it was pretty hard to explain. I hope they understood what I was telling them
I decide rather than writing the several things I wanted to write, now that I spent time giving directions.
8:30 PM I am in the coffee Pavilion with herbal tea and a biscotti. I signed up to read first. After that, I can relax. Scott is not here yet. There are nuts in the biscotti, hope they don't make me sick.
I haven't put a memory card in here yet so I hope I don't lose my work.
When I got here, I talked to Jane and Ellen McNeal and Scott McNeal and Michael Sickler. Michael Sickler was the first person I saw--and he knows Tyrie Gyton. Wants me to say hi to him. Tyree (?).
Tall Chris is here. Someone asks to sit with me (a woman) and I let her--I was saving a seat for Scott, but he's not here. I finish my tea before my biscotti, darn!
\r\n\r\n\r\nI read my three poems, 2 for Scott, though he has not\r\narrived. Georgia Popoff is reading\r\nnow. \r\n\r\n\r\nTonight\r\nwhen I got to Loretto, Mom was parked near the elevator--last time, too--and I\r\nsaid hi Mom and would you like to take a walk--I got her a hat and a blanket,\r\nand out we went. As we were walking\r\ndown the sidewalk, she said, "Did you see my daughter, Mary, and did you\r\nspeak to her?" When I said I WAS\r\nher daughter Mary, she asked me again if I\'d seen me and spoken to me. She was really confused. I decided to ignore her and go about our\r\nvisit normally. When we were out at the\r\npavilion, we saw the grey cat again, but the can of cat food was no longer in\r\nher chair.\r\n\r\n\r\nAt\r\nthe gazebo, an old man in a wheelchair asked me to scratch his back. I do, because he seems desperate, but it\r\nseems intimate. I am not eager to\r\ncontinue.\r\n\r\n\r\nSynchronicity,\r\nmeaningful coincidence of inner and outer events. Connected by a symbolic meaning. \r\nDeepak Chopra and Carl Jung speak of this, he says, he being Michael\r\nSickler. He is now speaking. \r\n\r\n\r\nMichael Sickler says he\'s an insomniac and sleep apneac.\r\n\r\n\r\nHe\'s speaking at Everson December 15on ort and poetry. \r\n\r\n\r\nAfter\r\nthe breaks, 3/4 of the people leave--I mean during the break. I\'d like to leave, too, but I feel it is\r\nunfair to those who read later. Michael Sickler leaves.\r\n\r\n\r\nI\r\ngive my address to Tall Chris to give to Colleen.\r\n\r\n\r\nI\r\nhope he does, though at the moment, the urgency has passed. I want to talk to her about abuse, my fear\r\nof it, when a red flag is worrisome, when it is only humanity. How to tell the\r\ndifference.",1]
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I read my three poems, 2 for Scott, though he has not arrived. Georgia Popoff is reading now.
Tonight when I got to Loretto, Mom was parked near the elevator--last time, too--and I said hi Mom and would you like to take a walk--I got her a hat and a blanket, and out we went. As we were walking down the sidewalk, she said, "Did you see my daughter, Mary, and did you speak to her?" When I said I WAS her daughter Mary, she asked me again if I'd seen me and spoken to me. She was really confused. I decided to ignore her and go about our visit normally. When we were out at the pavilion, we saw the grey cat again, but the can of cat food was no longer in her chair.
At the gazebo, an old man in a wheelchair asked me to scratch his back. I do, because he seems desperate, but it seems intimate. I am not eager to continue.
Synchronicity, meaningful coincidence of inner and outer events. Connected by a symbolic meaning. Deepak Chopra and Carl Jung speak of this, he says, he being Michael Sickler. He is now speaking.
Michael Sickler says he's an insomniac and sleep apneac.
He's speaking at Everson December 15on ort and poetry.
After the breaks, 3/4 of the people leave--I mean during the break. I'd like to leave, too, but I feel it is unfair to those who read later. Michael Sickler leaves.
I give my address to Tall Chris to give to Colleen.
I hope he does, though at the moment, the urgency has passed. I want to talk to her about abuse, my fear of it, when a red flag is worrisome, when it is only humanity. How to tell the difference.
\r\n\r\n\r\n10:57 I try to leave\r\nbut on my way out the door, I get stopped by Jane and Ami and tall Chris and\r\nMichel, not Sickler, who has left, but tall Chris\'s friend Michael. He is making a compendium of poetry and has\r\nbought, he says, a ton of on-line space and wants the Pink Eraser poem and\r\nlike, he says, to publish all of Desire. \r\nI laugh, it\'s a thousand pages long, I say. He says he has space and will do it. I give him my email. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n11:27 PM I\'m home. \r\nI\'m tired. Very tired. But I am having one of those unpleasant\r\nproblems that seem to be associated with growing older that no one really likes\r\nto talk about and I particularly HATE: \r\nI\'m constipated. Ugh. Ouch, Yuk. \r\nWhat a waste of time. I wonder\r\nif those meds, like the last one, cause constipation, because I am taking\r\nprunes and bran with every meal. \r\nDang. Sorry. :-(",1]
);
D(["mb","- Show quoted text -\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n-- I am certain of nothing but the Heart\'s affections and the truth of the Imagination- John KeatsMary\r\n\r\n",0]
);
//-->

10:57 I try to leave but on my way out the door, I get stopped by Jane and Ami and tall Chris and Michael, not Sickler, who has left, but tall Chris's friend Michael. He is making a compendium of poetry and has bought, he says, a ton of on-line space and wants the Pink Eraser poem and like, he says, to publish all of Desire. I laugh, it's a thousand pages long, I say. He says he has space and will do it. I give him my email.
11:27 PM I'm home. I'm tired. Very tired. But I am having one of those unpleasant problems that seem to be associated with growing older that no one really likes to talk about and I particularly HATE: I'm constipated. Ugh. Ouch, Yuk. What a waste of time. I wonder if those meds, like the last one, cause constipation, because I am taking prunes and bran with every meal. Dang. Sorry. :-(

SILK CREEK RETREAT 05 RAW

SILK CREEK RETREA 05

September 24, 2005, 4:21 PM

I am sitting on Scott's couch in his livingroom waiting for him to get ready for our annual Silk Creek Retreat. I had said I'd come at 3 PM and was an hour late getting here, and I was hoping he' be ready, but he's not. I brought food. He said he'd go to a neighbor's and get a zucchini, but I don't think he did that, either. He seems really out of it so much so that I am worrying about him and have asked several times if he's OK. He says, "Well, I think my blood sugar is OK." Meaning that hes not OK, maybe mentally or emotionally, but he's OK physically. Or, at least I assume that's what he means.

I can hear him rattling around. Oliver, the cat, who is very talkative, keeps mewing. And beyond that is the sound of ticking. The grandfather clock and another clock are both ticking loudly and there are lots of other ticking sounds.

"I'm almost ready, he says, sounding a little sad and apologetic.

"Okay," I say, cheerfully, not wanting to benagry with him.

I am writingon the Psion, old Pasada B with the broken screen. I cannot see what I am writing, so if I make typos etc, I'm in toruble, but worse yet, if I get interrupted, I have no way to regain my thought or even to know if I've laready written a word.

I can't go back and read what I have written and revise it or epand upon it, something that will make writing poetry difficult. I have no notes, like the ones I was making on my Milly and Bud story. Only whatever I can dredge out of my memory, because I have no access to them. They are here, on the computer, but not available to me.

I ordered a new Psion. I also bid on one on eBay and forgot to check it. Last time I looke, yesterday, there was 13 plus hours left, but those 13 hours are GONE and I forgot to see if I won. Shouldn't they have sent me an email? YES! BUT to my comcast address, which I never check any more. Argh! I need to go

Shit. I mean, Dang! Both of the new Psions are USED so I don't know how they'll be. I need t check. I need to chnage my primary address on gmail.

Scott says he's ready at 4:38 PM and I shoulder my pack and head out, but he dashed off to the bathroom.

He comes back and adjusts the load on his pack.

10:41 PM Well, here I am, finally, seated in the dark on the brink of the high embankment (cliff) over silk creek. It was a long time coming. We did come up earlier, while it was still daylight, and set the tents up. Then we went back and I made supper, a steak stir fry with shiitakes, brocoli, peas.

Then we loaded up with more gear--the AC power supply, the CPAP etc, and heaed back down to the creek. When we got there, Scott, fell in. I mean really IN. He had his diabetes pump, his cell phone, his digital camera, etc etc, books.

Luckily he wasn't hurt and the diabetes pump still seems to work and the digital camera,but the cell phone isn't working. I hope it works when it dries out.

He was drenched and his bots were full of water, so we went back up to the ouse and spread things out to dry. He showered and dressed in clean clothes (meanwhile, I called keith), and put his wet clothes in the wash, and we came back up again.

It's hard walking in the dark where there'sno trail. At night, you can't see any landmarks and you can't see the herd paths made by the deer excpet where they are well worn. Everyting seems farther. But we did make it.

This is the silk Creek Rereat and I feel as if I should be witing, writing something more meaningful thanour tale of woe. Well, it could be a lot worse. But I.m tired. I want to go to bed.

Earlier, I was enjoying listening to the crickets and katydids. I was playing with my ears, making the sound loder and softer by creating animal ears. Now, here above the creek, I can hear nothing but the rush of water.

A small miracle has happened, the liquid crystal blob that leaked out of the crack in Pasada B's screen has migrated back to the right side of the screen and I can see the left half. For a whhile, I couldn't see it at all. The tocuh screen still doesn't work, and I can:t use the right half of the menu, but I was able to chhnage the font size to huge so I could seeit in the dim light of the red-fiiltered headlamp on it's low setting.

Scott had already gone to bed and shut off his light before I came over to sit on the brink of the cliff.

I would right a poem. I would write nonfiction. I would write a story. But you have to start somewhere.

And I have lost the starting place.

It was your first, tonight, to fall

into the creek.

11:05 PM I was going to try to write a poem, but it was awkward, there on the brink, with the hemlock roots gouging into my butt . I decided I was too tired and I came into the tent and changed my clothes--sort of. I must have left my PJ tops at home where I was packing, so I am wearing the the thin fleece PJ bottoms and the sweaty green Thornden Park T-shirt Sara gave me that I hiked up here in.

Scott is still awake, grumbling he frgot his reading glasses (how can he read in the dark?) I offer him mine, but he declines.

I worry that the AC thing may not run the CPAP all night--guess I will find out, though.

I ate shiitake mushrooms for supper, for the first time in a wee, as I was suspecting them of making me isick. I do feel just faintly queasy and ill. But not enough, at least not yet, to blame the shiitakes.

It was your first time, tonight, to fall in the creek, stepping toward the dark waters, your arms outstretched.

I'm too tierd.

Sunday, September 25, 20005, 8:23 AM I am trapped in a small tent in the woods. I say "trapped" because I have to pee, and it is raining pretty hard. I don't have a change of clothes up here, so I'd prefer not to get wet, since I wanted to spend a part of the day, onring, early afternoon, writing. And reading.

I head the rain coming, first the wind,and the the quintessential wall of rain.

I was awakened at that point by a branch hitting the tent. It reminded me of the dangers of camping in hugh winds. Luckily it was only a small branch, but a lot of people were killed camping in that Labor storm with its wind shears.

The tent leaks, but not too badly.

I dreamed at one point, sure proofthat in spite of many issues, I did get some sleep. I dreamed that I am being mean to a boy. The boy is younger than Graham and blond. Shorter hair, round-faced, sort of. Looks nothing like Graham. He's chewing on a washcloth and I pull if out of his mouth and smack him in the face with it, not hard, but tauntingly, over and over. I wake up feeling bad about it, feeling mean. There are other kids in the dream and I'm not being mean to them, only to this one boy. The dreams makes meunhappy and uncomfrtable inmy own skin. I don't want to be mean to anyone.

It occurs to me that the boy could be myself, the male aspect of myself, as seen in the vision with the rattlesnake and the cicada at Pueblo. Or, it could be a representation of the meanness within, a shadow slef that sneaks out occasionally. It cold be showing up because I've been thinking lately of something mean I once did at the most where I egged someone on to do soemthing and then got them in trouble for it.

I did not exactly have a good night. I did not have my foam matteresses I normally use, they are all in Detroit. I wonder if I should bringa couple back. I hate bringing things back when I'm trying to get moved. AK!

I could not get comfortable on the thin backpacking mattress I had. Have. No matter which way I turned, The ground seeme horriblyhard, seemed to be pressing against somepart of me that hurt--my hips, my shoulders. Fibromyalgia an thin mattresses and old age don't go well together.

The rainw as just dying out and I was thinking of venturing out, and then I hear another "wall" of it approaching through the trees and woods. Battering the leaves.

I keep changing positions, I can.t get comfortable.

I finally did drift off to sleep, woke numerous times to turn because the pain was getting too uncomfortable.

Sirens outside. Hope Scott'shouse is safe. They are very nearby.

At about 3:45 AM, I think I had an apnea event--I was dreaming about being built into wooden claustrophobic boxes andnot being able to breathe. I woke up gasping for air and had to take my CPAP mask off. I was breathing in deep breaths feeling deprived of air. When I have an apnea event, it always takes a while to feel as if I can breathe OK and have enough air. In the process, the CPAP make came apart and I had to turn on my headlamp, disassemble it and reassemble it,which is a difficult task. By the time I finshed it, well after 4 AM, I was wide awake. The CPAP did not seem to be generating anough pressure, and I wondered if that was the cause of the apnea event and if it was caused by the power AC unit running out of huice. I was very tired from a restless uncomefortable night and decided to sleep again. At some point, the AC unit began squeaking and I turned off the CPAP and took off the mask.. A while later, it began squeaking again and I unplugged the CPAP. I drifted back to sleepto sleep without the CPAP, which is supposed to be bad and exascerbate the fibro, but I was so tired I couldn't help it.

Now I am all stiff and painful an no .atter which way I trun, I can't getcomfortable.

The rain is letting up again, so I am going to attempt a venture out, although here comes another wave.

Camping, especially backpacking, has a certain mumber of disadvantages.

I venture out, emergine from the deep dark blue of tent into a brighter rainsoaked wods. Scott appears to be sleeping soundly, though sveral times earlier, I heard him groaning or making other noises that indicated he was awake.Keeping my tent between me and his tent, I walk a ways into the woods and pee. Then walk to the rim of the cliff and look down. The creek looks about the smae. It hasn't rained enough to raise it, just to soak all our gear and dampen our spirits a little. I climb back into my tent, dragging with me wet leaves and mud. I went out barefotted and in my PJs, so my feet are muddy and my PJs wet. The upper PJ is the Thornden Park T-shirt which I also have to wear today, at least until I get back to the car.

The tent has leaked in a number of places--it probably needs to be seam-sealed. So even the gear inside the tent and inside the vestibule is gettinga little wet.

One of the disadntages of this tent is that it is so small. I cannot find a comfortable position. If I were home, I'd sit in the somputer chair. It seems the most comfortable chair I have, for my fibromyalgia. The trip back and the rest of the days actiities will be negatively impacted by my increased pain.

I feel as if all I am doing is complaining and that is annoying. I came here to write.

***

The Plunge

It was your first time, tonight. stepping toward

the dark waters, burdened with blankets

and light. Your first time. The dark weeds were tall,

the nettles stinging your bare legs. You struck

at them with a stick, as if they were serpent

while the weight swung precariously on your back.

You reached out a foot for stepping stone, a foot

for the dark water, and slippe. It was sudden,

unexpected, that plunge into the icy creek,

the water swelling up around you, your body

slipping into the dark current. You hat swirled

away downstream and you plunged after it,

staggering to shore with the prize, dripping,

angry, embarrassed. Your dumpded a quart and a half from each boot.

slogged home up the hill Y

all these years you've lived on the creek,

and you never fell in. Now you can laugh

And you do, and you don't. You're poised

On the creek bank in the nettle, one foot

stretched toward the water. YOU still have to cross the dark water.

^^^

"Always an adventure"

****

Well, I've written a poem, but i can't tell how it is because I can't reread it. I can't fix any typos and I can't edit it. Because I can't see it, only the first word or two or three of each line.

OK, it may not be good, but at least I WROTE something. I wanted to write simply and well, with complex layering and multiple asides, like Marianne Boruch. "Simple" language, Imean, not simple porty, but what came out was soemthing very different, with sexual and mythogoical and Biblical undertones and implications. I can't seem to help myself.

I'm very tired and my eyes hurt. Scott still seems to be aslep. I I'm getting hungry.

I disassemble the CPAP and mask, pack them into the inner and outer cases, and then pack that whole assembly into A day pack It took me two trips to haul everything up, because of the CPAP, and probably will take two trip to haul it all down. Maybe even more, if Scott doesn't carry the AC power supply, that thing is heavy.

I take off my T-shirt and put on my bra and put my T-shit back--presto, I'm half dressed. I don't put on the tank top I was wearing because it's wet, got rained on, dripped on. I take a few pictures inside the tent,none of which turns out well. The flash washes everything out and the shot without a flash was too long an exposure to be handheld. It's very dark in here, inside two layers of tent under a hemlock and beech under a dark clody sky. I have to use the headlamp to see, even though it is 9:47 AM.

I stuff my sleeping bag into it's stuff sack. It's damp, so I will have to unstuff it at home so it can dry out.

I must be getting old. It seems to me that getting ready to go camping , camping itself, packing up afterwards, setting up, hauling out, rying out and putting away is all much more work than the pelasure derived. It actually is more work and less fun than it used to be. I have to haulmore stuff (Cpap, extra mattresses etc, battery pack) and I am in more pain, than I used to be.

Going on a oNE-day camping expedition is probably not worth it. If you stay longer, then maybe. Because then the proportion of pleasure at least theoretically can expland relative to the emount of hassle and pain.

This is going to amount to two or more days of "work" for one evening of pain.

I'm still sort of glad t be here.

Scott really wanted tocome up, really wanted me to come with him. And, in honor of our friendship and all the previous Silk Creek Retreats, , I wanted to come, to be here for him, to do it myself. But I'm huddled uncomfortably in a daark small tent while it rains outside. Hardly inspiring. If I didn't have to keep changing position every minute or two because something hurt, it might help.

Ah, the joys of camping, and we still have to break trail and ferry all this gear through the woods and back across the creek. Probaly in the rain.

One thing this accomplished was getting me to order one or two more used Psions. I could imagine being out here without one. This one wasn't working.

I yank the compression straps on the sleeping bag case, yank and yank to make it small enough to pack. The rain beats downon the tent and on the leaves above the tent. I had been hoping it would stop so I could eat breakfast outside, above the creek. But I think I am going to give up and eat in the tent. I'm hungry and i've been hungry a long time.

For breakfast, I have dry cereal with rice milk and a teaspoonful of bran. Something is peepeing outside that sounds like a peeper, which reminds me, I saw a small drog when I went out earlier.

10:21 AM well, breakfast is over. All eaten. I am huddled in the tent . The rain has let up a little, but big plops are falling from the trees as the wind rises and falls.

I sit in the dark, blue-lit tent with my red headlamp on and I think of Grahndfather, in Tom Jones, telling him not to retreat on a mountaintop with a beautiful visita, but deep in the dark woods, in a tanle of brush. But, that's for vision questing, and I didn't come here for vision questing, I came to write in the woods. I could just as wel be huddled by my big computer, blue, in my office at home. There it would be light and bright and comfortable. But I would be accessible to the world. And I could acess with world. The internet would bethere, and the telephone. And all the problems I need to deal with, the unfinished tasks.

Here, I can't do much. I can't pack much more until I am reay to go. I don.t want to pack the backpacking pad that I am sitting on, because then I'd have to sit on the cold, hard, wet ground. I don't want to pack the tent until I am ready t go,because then I'd have to sit in the rain.

I would MIND a vision, it's just not what I came here for. I used to go vision questing every year on my birthday and often several other time, but now irarely do that. I've lost touch with my spiritual life..

Being out in the woods alone is a sort of spiritual experience. I'm not alone,but Scott is still asleep, unless he's reading or writing very silently. Usually, when he wakes up, he makes some noises. I can't see him from inside my tent, nor hear him. Only the rain and the dripping and the wind and the creek, and now a train whistle, long and distant.

It seems like dusk in the blue tentlight and the red "firelight" of my headlamp. There's that peeping again. Cars on the road, distant. A woodpecker pecking, the sudden release of rain from some leaves.

Suddenly a character wantstts to tell a story, but I have no feeling at all for what she may wish to say, or her story is.

Arianna huddled in the wettent, pulling her scratchy wool shirt closer around her, listedned to the wind rise and fall in the trees. It seemed like dusk in the dim light of the small tent. She wrapped the blanket more tightly around her legs. The damp seemed to be seeping coldly into her, reaching under the warmth of all her many layers to chill her.

Beyond the gorge, a siren shrieked and then another. A wispof smoke rose from the house, a lick of flame. They would look for her body,but they wouldn't find it in the rubble. And no one would look here for her. She was too old, they would think, to scale the gorge walls.

Too old to camp, too, Arianna thought. Way to old. She twisted this way and that, trying to get comfortable.

----

I do a yoga posture for my bakc. I am thinking about this story, how wrng it is, in a sense. I don.t need to start alot of stories, I need to write middles and endings and revsions of all the ones I've already started. But I can't do that here.

Arianna is in a tent in the woods in the rain. But if she's set her house a fire and run away across the gorge, there has to be a reason for it. I don't know what that reason is. IT sounds lie the beginningof a novel rather than a short stroy. What about Bud and Lily?

Maybe Arianna was raped. Why would someone rape an older woman, and why would she destroy her house and take to the wods. Maybe her husband was abusive and she hit him with a shovel and accidentlly killed him, after he raped her. Can a husband rape a wife. YES, the answer to that is yes.

But is that what happened?

Someone, Sue Monk Kidd, maybe, said, the task of a novelist is to take a bad situation and make it worse. But if it starts out this bad, it.ll have to get MUCH worse. Maybe it should start somewhere else.

Maybe the husband throws the bathe baby up in the air maybe the husband shakes the baby and kills it, accidentlaly, and then Ariann accidentlly kills the husband.

No, no no, that's not it.

The husband has been abusive, has beaten her, has had affairs, and then Arianna falls in love with another man, a neighbor, who is kind to her. They don't have sex, because Arianna doesn't think it's right., and also is afraid of Herman, the husband. But Herman is still jealous of Randy. No, Randy is not a good name. Randy implies sexual wildness and indiscretion. it also could be a boyish fellow, but I don't like the implications. Or, maybe it would be a randy and she does have indiscretions. Or, maybe it would be better for Randy to stay home and Herman to just be abusive and force her to have sex with him and she hits him with the shovel and kills him accidentall. AK

I don't lke this story.

I think i.ll go back to Milli and Bud. maybe.

My hair is a rat'snest form thrashing about in here, so I dig out my little folding backpacking brush and brush it out and braid it. Luxkily, there are rubber bands in there, because I forgot to bring any. That is, they are in the pack of stuff that lives in the backpack.

I don.t really want to think about milli an Bud.

Slould I make myself? Or should I read??

There are leaves all over my yellow blanket,which I just washed yesterday.

The screen has disappeared off the Psion and is gone entirely. Well, the physical screen is there, but it is utterly blank. Just the big blob of liquid crystal which is gathered around the crack. No words at all. This may be a good time to do soem reading!!!

I read Marianne boruch's poem, at the Y. I readit again. She read it at the reading at the Y, whe first poem she read. I heard most of it, but hadn't yet inhabited it. Even after reading it twice, only my right arm, shoulder and breast have entered the poem. But I could see then and can see nwo what a wonderful poem it is. And how to read a book of her poems cold take years, because it might take a week to really read one poem. Or maybe it's just me, with my ADD:.

This is a forced concentration, sitting in this dark hole, maybe that's why Tom Brown's grandfather said so. But deep and enclosed as it is, internal and inwadas it is, I stilll can.t concentrate.

But Ritalin would make it worse, not better. I don't see how it could help.

I am writing into a void. There is nothing but the blank screen. I don't know if it is recording. A siren goes off, rises, and then slowly slowly fades in a lng attentuated mournful hwl. I think it might be noon, but it is not. It is 11:37 AM.

I had the tent open earlier, but I closed it because rain was coming in, and I was cold. Train whistle. Now I open it and peer out. The rain seems to have stopped but the trees are dripping, the forst floor is saturated. It is dark and wet and cold and uninviting. I zip the tent back up.

I wonder if I should wake Scott. He has somehwere to be at 2:00.

I holler over to Scoot, "Are you awake?" He says yes, but sounds asif I woke him. I ask about his 2:00 appointment, we both stick our eads out and talk. He says he has to be there at 2:00 and play at 32:15. He says he wanted me to be here with him, bbut he doesn't wantto write. He implies this is't the real Silk Creek Retreat. I thought we'd decided it was. Hmm.

Lotta work if it wasn't!

I take off my Pajama bottoms and put on my damp shorts and am officially dressed.I am about to emerge from the tent when I hear Scott crashing around in the bushes, so I decide to wait a few minutes before I go out. I put my damp raincoat on so that when I do go out, I'll be protected from all the wet foliage and the dripping. It is windy enough so that the dripping will be blown away to some extent shortly, maybe, if the rain doesn't start up again.

12:09 PM I finally get tired of waiting for Scott to return and I climb out of my tent and into my sandals and half stagger to the rim of the cliff of the gorge above the creek and sit in a cradle of broots of a big old hemlock that clings to the edge of the cliff. My feet hand over and I lean forward into the open space and feel for a moment as if i might pictch forward into the creek.. I'm not sure how I'll et up from here.

The sun comes out, weakly, then a little stronger, I can't really see the sky through te branches so I don't know if it.s clearing or not. what I see is a screen of leaves that falls over me, that actauually falls befow me, but is swept up continuously by the wind, and above and below that, a screen of hemlock brnches, angular and fin, and beyond that, butternut or black walnut, I'm not sure which, a yellow feathery charteuse.

I read an emily Dickinson poem before I came out, one in marianne Boruch's book, In the Blue Pharmacy , and that and the poem about the Y made me thin and feel that I don't like the person I've become sincefibromyalgia and insomnia, always in pain, always complaining. I want to be deeper and more sensitive, I want to be less self-centered. I notice that I think about myself MORE when I am in pain than when I am not. I am nmore open and loving.

Scott said nothing to me when he leaft, but he still hasn't come back. I'd assumed he'd gone to pee, since that's the first thing I do when I wake up. But he's been gone so long. Did he go off tramping. I feel slightly worried and a littel concerned because I might lie to go ff trmping, too, might like to pee again, might like to talk to him before heleaves, but since I don.t know what he's doing or were he went, I feel a little trapped here. I wish he'd hae just said, I'm going off to pee, or I'm going to go write at hiker kitty ridge or I'm going bakc home or whatever. I don't want to tramp into the woods and interrupt hhim if he's at his tolet. I don.t want to take off for a walk if he's wanting to go for a walk with me. Communication is such an issue. Why don't or can't people communicate better?

See, here I go complaining.

I can chane no one but myself, and I am lucky if I can do that.

I want to take a picture of myself sitting here above the creek.it's 12:25 and Scott is still gone. My guess is he's gone off for a walk without me, which sort of annoys me, since last night, we'd discussed taking a walktogether and I was waiting for HIM, since he said he wanted to do that, but he didn't wait for me. I don't think he want back to the house because he left the tent open. I could go off and walk by myself, but if he's still out there pooping or soemthing, I.d interfere, maybe, and if he comes back another way, I won't be here to see him off when he leaves for his music thing at the church.

COMMUNICATION! A simple explanation of what's going on would make mylife better. I can understand him not mentioning it if he was jst going to the bathroom and comingright back, but it's been half an hour.

Or more.Oh, there he is, or there someone is, dressed very much like him. It is him, and he's taking pictures.

I just wasted more than a half hour of my time obsessing over what to do because I didn't know what he was doing.

Scott and I are down at Bubbles cascades. He had gone to "relieve himself" and since the woods were so open, he'd walked a long ways, and had gotten distracted along the way looking atthings and taking pictures. I'm glad I did wait for him, because we walked up the hill together, and then went into the "Adirondack" area an dtook pictues, and then creekwalked down here to bubbles cascade without our sticks and are sitting on the bubbles ledge where we could write.

The leaves circle in swirls of foam below the bubbles cascade falls.

Scott, perched on a lege, looks handsome and manly

I take his picture, thinking personals, thinking, attracting women,

but he doesn't need that any more. He has

a sweetie, and i think, pictures for Vanessa.

The water flows toward us, tumblees over the legeds, swirls away

around the corner. The first leaves of fall

gather along the rocky banks

and catch on submerged branches. Fall

aumtumn has come, the golden days,

but for Scott, at last, it.s early spring.

]]]***

It's hard to write a poem when I cannot see what I am writing. I can't fix it.

I can' revise it. I can't even do line breaks because it's hard to know how it will look on the page.

Suddenly, some of the words become visible again. As if through fog.

Hey, i can see well enough to change the font size again, but it is still all broken up, hazy, and half-blocked by the lquid crystal blob. I can't see well enough to edit or revise, because I probablu can only see 22% of the words. But I can see well enough to know that the words I am wiritng are appearing and thus II can probably save them and work on them later.

3:18 PM We are back at Bubbles Cascades. We went back to the campsite for lunch. I had tuna with bran, which reminds me, I ate shiitakes and only felt faintly quesay afterwards. I don't know what was making me sick, maybe I ha a bug. Tuna and bran on hemp bred, water, and three prunes. I can go back and make any changes because there is no way to see where the cursor is, so if I leave something out, I have to repeat it.

I'm going to do a writing practice exercise a la Natalie Goldberg and I am making myself a promise that I can write absolutely anything, if something comes up, and I don't have to share it if I don't want to.

Scott is reading Natalie Goldberg now. My book.

I am, by the way, feeling better. My pain and tiredness and grumpiness have all subsided now that Iam out of the tent and can move around.

I think I am going to do something really obvious. I'm going to start with the tipoc of Silk Creek

Go:

I am sitting on the leges of Silk Creek's Bubbles cascades Falls, at the edge of frm pool. The ledges are still damp (read wet) from the morning rain. Colored leaves are swirling in foam pool, browns of tulip tree, yellws of prunus serotina, reds and pinks of wodbine. Leaves and foam islands circle aimlessly, or probably with some current pattern, looking like clouds on a weather map, making concentric patterns. Scott sits beside me in his $8 wallmart water sandals, his nice Khaki shorts amd a red T-shirt. He is writing furiously, using the same twenty minutes I am to write whatever he's chosen to write. I'm writing in Pasada B with its damaged screen and he is writing on a spiral notebook with a black ballpoint pen he borrowed from me because he doesn't havehis--it may have been left behind after he fell in the creek and we had to go back to the house for him to dry out ad repack. Notonly are there leaves flating on the surface of the water, but also submerged leaves that circle in a different ptattern, deeper, more omnious,moving like some mosnter. I dreamed one time there was a moster under the water. It turned out to be a submerged and waterlogged tree, but even when I knew this, I felt afraid of it, as if it threatened me is some deep and scary way. Beside us are the cascades where the water comes smootherly and silver fromt he sky to flow over the ledges in a rush the reminds me of Niagara in its small roaring way. Niagara, Tahquamenon. The falls where I met Keith, met him first at Tahquamenon falls,et him second at Niagara. Keith who is more than 400 miles away. My love. I had a "vision one timeof myself stading at the bottom of a huge falls, huger and more powerful than Niagara, and I stood on a rocky Island in te center of the river and all the water falling over the falls was energizing me, filling me with "radiant" energy, by which I mean, making me glow with inner strength, joy, energy, and that energy was radiating out and touching every area of my life and everyone I touched.

I felt that way for a while. But I have lost touch with my spiritual practice and it makes me sad. I have lost energy, I feel less loving. That drea I had last night about being "abusive" to some kid was really disturbing. The wind blows the pages of Scott's notebook and he tries to held the page down and keeps writing wildly, madly, like a man possessed. Beneath his feet is water. Benath is feat is water crees. Beneath his feet are and accumulation of bright wet falls leaves, undulating lightlu as the current llifts them and sets them down. Hunger. I don't know why i said that. I'm not physically hungry at all, but i have a hunger for something. For soemthing deep and spiritual, for jy, for happiness, for love, for satisfaction, for soemthing unnamable.

The wind roars in the trees and thewater roars over the casades, and the two roarings blend together. Beneath my feet, water, and the rocks, the ledges, and the rflections of the trees moving. I worry momentarily that it will rain again. I don't want it to rain until I have pakced my stuff safel down out of the "mountains", off the the highlands above the gorge. Ha ha, they call the run through here the "Alpine run" because that the place where it crosses, the walls of the groge are like mountintainsides.

The creek flows pas su, one small part diverting to swirl through foam pool, the rest sliding down over th rocks in riffes and rapids. The fishman we met a few days ago called this a "hle" and said he caught a bown trout in this hle, a nice one. I think the word pool is nicer than the word "hole" but maybe it's the deep spot where the trout are that is the hle. It's in the hole, the deep spot, where is is darkk and covered with bubbles, that the submerged tree lies, the dark waterlogged one that scares me. It's not in this physical pool, but in some pool behind me, beind my eyes, in the dark world that follows me around, that I could fall abckwards into. The snag is dead. It's inert. It has long sharp branches, like a hemlock. They are a threat, you couldget caught there and drown. I could. a leaf floats among the other leaves in fam pool, white and translucent, as if it had been circling the pool forever and had lost all its color. The other leaves look newly torn away and recent, colorfil. This is the ghost leaf, the one with te dead eyes, the one under the water. It goes by again, neither under the water or floating, but just belw the surface, like a threat, covered with foam, like soemthing rotting.

Rotting is a good thing, an important thing. Ecologically, it recycles that which has died so that it can reused by the living. It's that word died that is scary to me. Rotting implies death and death is scary to me I'm not afraid of being dead, not too, anyway, but afraid f dying. I'M afraid of pain. I am also afraid of oss, the loss of myself. Of not being. I think probably once we are dead, we're just dead. We don't suffer and we don.t feel and we have no consciousness, so there is really nothing to worry about int hat state. I don't of curse know fr sure. There's no way to now for sure. But I think that's proably the case and it's not to be feared once you're all the way there. But losing this is scary. Lsoing the fresh sell of the wind, the rushing and circling water, Scott, who has stopped writing and rocks on his haunches ookin up at the sky. Ceasing is scary. It's scarier even than the pain But if the pain were too bad, then Id rather cease because it would no longer be the red woodbine on the dead elms and the trees with their orange leaves an green leaves. So even though I fear ceasing more than I fear pain, in the end, I would choose ceasing over pain, I think. I don't like pain.

3:53 PM Well, I wrote for 30 minutes instead of 20. I told Scott at 4:00, I would want to go back and pack up the gear and start ferrying it back, because I think I will have to make two trips, maybe 3. And I have no supper. Andit is always hard to leave.

But it is hard to leave hERE! This is what I want when I'm in Detroit, this is what I long for. Not scott, but Silk Creek. I mean I like Scott, I love him, as a friend, but I love Keith as my partner. I want to be with him. But Keith and I rarely sit for a long time in a quiet natural place and GROK. Boy, there's an old world. Don't hear that much any more. But we don't. We rarely sit quiet and read, each of

each of us reading our own book, happy and quiet in each other's copany. I don't know why we do't do that, I wish we did. Keith is too busy, I'm too busy, we have a kid with needs an aactivties, but somehow we need to make quiet time for nature and contemplation, for reading ec. Somehow.

We do go and sit in quiet naturl places together sometimes, like at metrobeach and Stoney Creek and Bele Isle. But there is nothing quite like this there Nothing WILD.

I get so that I long for it so. And we didn:t camp much this year.

I have to remind myself, this is why I come camping THIS is why I put up with the time involved and discomforts and so on. Tobe in this beuatiful peaceful place and to finally relax. To let down. To breathe out. For a short time to relase my commitments.

After all, I AM glad I came.

Its4:00 and we probaly should head back and pack up, but I don't want to. WAHN!

I'm glad I ahve Scott as a friend. If it weren't for his badgering, I probably wouldn't be here now, I.d be dorking around with all sorts of issues at home.

Scott reads me his piece, but I can't read miine with my bad screen I kept watching the little minnows, but forgot to mention them, because I was always in the middle of another though,t, and the asters, the blue and purple and white asters, the calico, the small andlarge ones.

Scott is fascinated by the bees. There are bees hovering on a little rocky island. The Psion is flashing and freaking out an I amafraid it may just died.

8:39PM I am home. I was starved and just as I was about to make dinner,t he power went out and I waited a while and finally ate two bowls of dry cereal. I wanted more. My appetite is coming back. But i said, no ma.am, 2's enough. and I stopped.

The power went out and it is still. I can't do laundry or shower or download the pix from Silk Creek.

9:04 PM I am up in my"office." I ate my prunes and talked to Keith on the phoneonce to warm him I had no power, and I took the sheets off Graham's bed. I had lit some candles, but the bird started flying around crshing into things so I blew the candles out. I am sitting in here with my headlamp. I can hear generators brningat the nighbors. But outside, I see no ights at all.. I am sitting in the office smeling the stink of blown out candles, listeing to the generators, and waiting for Keith to call. In the dark.

This computer,unless it gets repaired,prolly isn't long for the world. I hope I can download it. Keith prolly won't call at 9:15 because he'll look on-ine first.

If the power doesn't come on before I go to bed, the radio will come on and lights will come on wen the power does come on. If I remember, I'dlike to turn the radio off. I decide to do it now, and go down and turn off the radio and as many lights as I can tell about. But I knock into the hall switch in the dark and ca't tell if it is on or off, becaue there are two switches..

Silk Creek last night, near dusk, photo by Mary Stebbins 

Milli and Simon Notes and more constitutionals

050913 Tuesday, September 13, 2005, 2-something Pm

I am out, as usual, on the first leg of my one+block constitutuional. I just saw the old man, hewas leaving with someone in a van, it looked like a woman, but I wasn't sure. He stopped to speak to me, asked me why he didn't see mye on my motorcyclee. I said I didn't drive it today and he said, oh, OK, I guess that's an excuse. after I said I don.t drive it every day.

I am wearing a dress because I put my shorts in the laundry and then discovered whoever washed last didn't bother washing my shorts and I only have two pairs. So if the ones I put in first get skipped, for some unknown reason (son.t ask me why) and then the others get dirty, I have nONE. I am very unhappy about it because the dress I am wearing ha only tiny pockets and I cannot carry any of the stuff I want to carry--no camera, this compuer won't fit in, my wallet hardly fits, no pens, no pencils. AK. I want to strike out at anyone who may have been involved in this conspiracy to leave me without appropaite clothes and of course I am suspicious of Keith

050916 Friday night, in a light rain,we are headed for Barb's to drop off Grahham and Jay for a weekend visit--and visit with Barb. We had dinner at the village Grill. It is cloudy and getting dark and the highway is full of headlights, tailights and speeding cars. Graham is so excited that he is shouting. He can't remember to keep hi voice down. He is "all geeked up," as Keith would say. I am totally overstuffed. I had liver and onions and Calmari in some kind of salsa which Keith wasn't crazy about, but I liked.

Keith is wearing his blue and white striped polo shhit and has his hair down. I think he looks really handsomewith his hair down and that shirt looks very good on him. He looks appealing and sexy to me and it makes me smile.As I am writing that he looks sexy, he reaches out to touch me. I am smiling to myself in pleasure at juts being here with him. It is funny to be in this hurtling capsule that contains Keith and I being lovey dovey and two screaming kicking kids throwing oyster crackers around.. We hurtle

I keep getting interrupted and losing my train of thought and because the screen is broken, I can't see what I was writing before I got interrupted. I think I was going to contrast the inside of the car with the outside. both phyically, emotionally (and socially0. Outside it is beginning to get dar and the sky is grey and it is cool and cars are hurtling along the highways which at this point is 8-lanes wide. And beyond that, open spaces, a huge fancy church.

Keith says, "I don't care if it rains or freezes, long as I got my plastic . . . " he syops, not wanting, probably, to be too rude.

Jay says, I can't wait to get there. The kids are so excited. Keith says we have ten more minutes to go. He reaches out and pets me, strokes my back. We get off the highway--but onto another one. I was trying to write on the SONY handheld and it was a hopeless cause. What a waste of money. I need more Psions, since this one needs to be repaired. IT is on the verge of dying again, and the other one is DEAD.

The rain seems to have stopped or we drove out of it. The roads are DRY.

I was reading in Opening Up by James W. Pennebaker this afternoon at lunch time that writing ten minutes or more a day prevents writer.s block. So if I write ten minutes a day on the Psion, which I usally do, I should never have writer block, but I may also never have time to write.

I keep discovering stories that I wrote that I had forgotten about and I read

read them and I really like them but the problem is, will anyone else like them. Do I know what makes a good story'?

Oops, Keith just drove past our exit. Now he is mad. He says we'll get lost. Graham keeps talking and joking and it makes me nervous. I was taught as a kid to be absolutely silent when my father was angry. We drive up to the next exit and Keith is still angry--e says we're lost and we can't get back on and I point to where we can get back on. Wedo. I offer Jay to play with the SONY Camera but Graham takes it away from him and the sit back there hollering and taking pictures while Keith is saying, OH wait we have to get on 275 right and I say, I have no idea, I have to depend on you to get us safely there because I have no idea how to get there. He says I don't think you can get on 275 from here, going the right way. I point to a sign that says 275 Flit and 275somehwere else and we turn and there is 6 mile road and we get off. Meanwhile, Jay has laid down and is half asleep and Grah is trying to engage him, but he just moans and says, yeak, Ok, whatever. keith starts whisperstling and reaches out and touches me again. I guess he's not mad any more.

It's 7:25 and we were supposed to be there at 7 and we get to the turn and there is a big sign that says road closed byt we go down there anyway.

Saturday, September 17, 2005, 3:00 PM We are at the Citgo gas station(I think) at the corner of Mack and Moross, filling up the car for a trip up to Stony creek. I think Keith is probably upset and disappointed that we are driving rather than riding the motorcycles, but it is completely overcast and was raining earlier and what I said was, if it starts raining, I will pull under an overpss and wait until it stops even if it takes 4 hours or more. I guess he wasn't willing to live with the chance of having to do that or having me do it--I told him he could go on. I was willing to drive under those conditions. He was willing to take a chance on my being abjectly terrified and driving in the rain, but not standing under a bridge. Oh well. Sorry.

There are a numnber of things I do not like about riding in the rain. Getting wet is the least of those. I can live with getting wet, but when you're driving 75 miles an hour, or even 65, the rain feels like needles, hitting your face--it hurts. But that's not the problem, either.

The first probelm is that motorcycles only have two wheels, they aren't very stable. They can slip more easily than cas. The rain makes the road and the tires more slippery and lifts the oil off the pavement. I don.t feel that I have control of the bike in dry weather. It is too big, too tall, too heavy for me (and my body is also too heavy ad too slow and too painful.) I hate being terrified constantly and I am terrified eough driving the bike in dry weather never mind wet weather. AK.

Besides that, you can't SEE. You Can NOT see when rain is pelting into your face, blurring the goggles etc. You have no windsheild wipers. So your driving a big awkward heavy machine in heavy traffic with cars roaring all around you and you can.t see what you're doing. It just is not my idea of a good time. Sorry.

And thinking that I am disappoiting Keith in order to avoid abject terror and possibly death makes me want to go back to NY where I live alone and can make my own decisions based on my comfort level with making someone else sad.

I have a stomach ache. I feel a little queasy, mildly so. I've had a lot of stomach aches lately, and I never used to have them at all. This fightens me. I am afraid something else is going wrong. It also worries me. It also hurts. and is uncomfortable.

This reminds me that I need to make a list for Fazio, who I am going to see on Tuesday.

***1

3:24 PM It is raining, quite hard, and I am GLAD we aren't on the bikes. I am working on a list for Fazio which I put at the top for easy removal.

3:25 PM it has already stoppe raining, but the pavement is wet and there are puddles everywhere.

3:28 Now we are out of the wet are and the pavement is clean and dry.

3:39 PM It hasn't rained anymore, but the sky is very black. I can't think of anything else I ned to tell Fazio. Now that I have written this list, I need to download it and print it to take to Fazio.

I am wearing the "Strange Matter" T-shirt from the Cranbrook Science Museum whihc is a tie-dye and very bright.

3:40 PM it is raining again, not hard, though.

I'd like to take a picture of myself with this shirt on and send it to some of the folks at the mOST or old MOSTIES.

Keith is wearing hsi hair down and I love it. He looks like Wild Bill Hickock or someone. It is thick and wild and silky.

It rains some more. Off and on, still on trribly hard. Ahead of us are two motorcycles. I am quietly GLAD to be in the car. I wonder if Keith is quietly sorry not to be on a bike.

All the houses around bere are big and expensive and fancy. Someone is building a "lake" (fake water")

Keith thinks that with all the "Yuppie Palaces," Stony Creek, the park we're ging to, will be in dnager. That the land will be too valueable and the rich people will gobble it up and it will disappear. I say, Once it is public land it should stay public land.

3:50 PM we are almost there. I probably will not carry pasadB.

Monday Septmeber 19, 2005, 2:09 PM I am stopped at the ontario service Cente on my way to B'ville from Grosse Pointe Farm. It is over cast and colish, but seems to be warming and brightening. I got a latish start (11:50) because I was attemtping to clean some of the mess.

4:55 PM Yesterdya I walked 46 minutes at Elmwood cemetery with Keith. today I am walking atS Niagara Falls USA--I just crossed the border.The border corssing was quick, only one car ahead of me and that was fast. Same thing at the other border. Satursay I walked an hour and 32 minutes at Stony Creek with Keith. This Psion id turning itself off about every 1/2 second and it is off more than it is on so it is ahrdly worth the effort of writing anything, though now it juts stayed on for that sentence. Yahoo, whoopteedoo!

I am afraid to tunr it off or move it in any way. I am walking down the brick path tward the falls. I mayas well put the Psion away. It has been overcast all day, dull and dark, but now about 1/3 of the sky is partly blue (and partly partly hazy clouds.)

I had to park a block further away than usual. But now I have reached the falls, that is, the rive3er that flows out of the falls. I can hear the announcer for one of the maid of themists boats going on about what people should look at. I can't realy quite maje out the words, but almost.

It took me 15 minutes to walk to te falls, so it it takes 15 to walk back, that only gives me 15 to walk around, not enough, if i want to stick to my 45 minutes.

There us an apple tree beside the falls i don't recall seeing before. It is not crowded, veen though I had to park so far away. Lots of Japanese Tourists, that's about it. They've moved off.

I have taken so many pictures of the falls and been here so often that it is hard to get very excited and the lighting is sort of dull and rab. The people seem more interesting to me than the falls itself, but these days, it is ghard to pint a camera at someone or ones you know. You might get sued or at least yet yelled at.

It's also more fun, in a way, to eb out with Keith, so have someone to share things with, point things out to, someone to see some of the things I miss an to hold hands with me.

The river is wild and invigorating, so mucg flow and power. Kiiking at it under the brdgie where all the see is white water extending back to the horizon still gives me a thrill.

I was thinking about the rape story I wanted to write. I was so discouraged with my first attempts at it. But in the car I was considering it as I drove and I think I could to it again. Better.

Here are some points I want to make in this story:

• Milly is very innocent. Make her younger, emphasize her innocence (for this story, anyway)

• Milli "knows and TRUSTS" the antagonist, XYZ. XYZ needs a name. She should have heard it before on anumber of occasions, and know the name, and he is your cleancut American boy. He is well-tanned and has a crew cut, sandy hair, blue eyes. He is well-built, looks sort of like a movie star who works out. I can't hink of a name for him, wanted to call him Billy, but that was too much like Milli and then Gordy, but that's too much like Keith and then Gary, but no. How about JIM? I think his name is Jim, they call him Jimmy sometimes, and he also has a nickname. I'd say Bud, but I used that name in another story. It'd be a good one. Oh, no, wait, I didn't use it, I think I will. Some of his friends call him "Bud because he drinks Budweiser beer exclusively. And wears Bud products, that is, T-shirts and hats when he's off duty. He's young, too, maybe 25.

• Milli is an honors student --she is just back from doing a year as a foreign exchange student in Sovenia and is going into her senior year in high school. In Slovenia, she traveled around some with her host family, but was just as protected there (romantically/sexyually) as she was by her over protective mother at home. She has red hair and freckles, her eys are almost lavender -colored, and not becauseof contacts.

• Jimmy went to highschool at JD, knows all the teachers. He was a Jock and very popular with the girls in high school. He went to trade school and is working full time as a fireman. This is what he's always wanted to do, and he does it generally with pride. He goes to all the kiddie events and shows off the crime dog, not the firedog, watever his name is.

• What does Milli want? Shelter fromt he rain and a ride home, good grades in high school so she can study to be a marine biologist.

• What does Bud want? A piece of ass with no real concern for the consequences. He's had too much to drink. The fact that Milli is udner age does not occur to him, nor does he think he's raping her. He thinks he's seducng her, which is his right as a man.

• why does Bud win and not Milli? He'solder, male and stronger, he.s used to drinking and is more in control, she's easily affected by drink--not used to drinking. (He spikes her drinks?)

• Antagonits 2 and three: Milli's parents become antagonists because Milli fears telling them what happens She behaves as if she will be severely punished because of how strict her parents have always been with ehr. Because she fears her parents wrath, she decided to hitchike to NYC to stay with someone she'd met in Slovenia. Another exchange student. The story ends with herbeing picked up by a man who pulls off on a side road and forvces himself on Milli. This man is a stranger and older. We don't know his nmae.

• One problem is I need a vehicle to tell the story, or vehicles It seems that it would have to be either Milli herself or an omnicient observer. The reason for this is that some or ost of the action takes place with either Milli alone or Milli with these men. But not the smae men. Since at the end of the story, we don't know what will happen to Milli and the man, it seems as if it has to be an omnicinet person. or perhaps simplu and observor (the autor). Me.

• The other thing about telling the story is to find a behicle to give the hhistory. Herstory. The background. The story needs to be interesting and compelling to the reader. The reader needs to feel honest sympathy for milli, in spite of her bad choices and mistakes.

Well, maybe I am NOT ready to write this. Sigh.

I am carrying three camera, an exra lense etc, but U am not taking any pictures. I just can't for some reason. I think Better Photo is in part doing the smae thing to me about pictures that Vermont College did about poetrry. Nothings Seems good enough. Nothing seems worth expending energy on.

Everything seems spoiled by interference. by bad light, junky background, and too manu previous shots of the same things.

• How did milli feel about the rape? Dirtied and disgusted, afraid, , afraid for her life, afraid she'd be preganant, afraid of her parents. Betryed.

• How did Milli ecome Jimmy's victim? The alcohol, his friendliness, her trust in him, and and in the end, his stength made it hard for her to say no. She did say no, but perhaps not soon enouugh or forcefully enough, because she didn't know she had to. Her back ground with very srrict parnents, especilaly father, may have contributed.

• What is the "Premise" of this storu? Be slecetive with your trust Misplaced trust leads to disaster.

• How has Milli chnaged from the beginning to the end of the story? Illi begins the story being innocent andtrusting and ends the story distrusting hersellf, her parents, MEN, people in unifrms (policemen). Perhaps she has an opportunity to get help from her second rapis but doesn't rust the cop, who looks like Jimmy.

• She needs to have some opportunites to display both her prior trust and her post lack of trust. She should contact with herboyrfirned before and after and spurn him after, have contact with authority beofre and after and her her parents beofre and after, perhaps. And maybe be shown at some point, so somehow, doing some public service or in some other way showing whata "good girl" she was, and how now she is ruined in a vareity of ways. Or, that this is how she perecived herself now.

• While intellectually, I don't think girls and women are "ruined: by rape, emotionally, I fear that in fact, they are, at least in some protracted ways.

• There can perhaps be another story where Milli, now "ruined" and untrusting, learns that there are actually people she can trust. Not this story, though.

• This story may already have been written too many times. Is there any real point in my writing it again?

There are lots of little hard-biting mosqyuitoes here. Ugh. Hope they aren't carrying the Dread Mahocus.

I walked 59.5 minutes. I am back at the car, and it won't star.t. No lights were left on. It is stifling inside. It's turned hot and sweaty and I'm bursting with sweat.

• what about personal repsonsibilty? Is Milli in any way at fault? No and yno and yes, yes and no.. The women's groups want to say no and the men's groups want to say yes. But she was so stupid, inexperienced and trusting she really did NOt know what was going on until it was too late.

5:39 PM The battery is dead on my car. I left the lights on. I had them on because it was darkly cloudy, hazy and a little foggy earlier and then sunny when I got here. I forgot they were on. I was gone about an hour with the headlights on. I called Keith and he said to wait about 14 minutes and then try the car again. So I'm going to do that. BUT I had the HEADLIGHTS on, not just the domelight. I"ll probably have to call AAA.

WAHN! I feel so stupid. Just another reminder about how quickly things can turn bad and how easy it is to make stupid mistakes. Dammit, I feel like a FOOL! I hate it when I do stupid things.

Here:s something I don't get, though. Usually, the car DINGS if you open the door with the lights on,a nd that reminds me and I turn it off. I don'trmemeer hearing it DING! WANH!

I wonder if it would help if I wait MORE than 15 minutes. I consider the idea of going to get something to eat. Or walking back to the falls with the car lightsleft OFF. It's been more than 15 minutes now. I'm afraid to try. I don't want to go away becasue I left some of my cameras and gear in plain sight in the car since I wasn't planning on going anywhere--I'm sitting on a bench nearby as people walk up past me from the falls.

I have to open the car, though, in order to get in.

6:21 I tried it, but it wouldn't start. I waited 15 more minutes, sat on a bench surrounded by yellow jackets, ate my turkey sadwich, my pear, and three prunes. Tried again to start the car. It made a series of rapid clicking sounds but wouldn't start. I tried again. Still wouldn't start. So I called AAA. I got triple A in Ontario, Canada. They switched me over. They said someone would come before 7 and jumpstart me. So I am back on the yellow jacket bench waiting. It is too hot to sit in the car.

I hate myself when I.m stupid. I hate the stupidness, the forgetfulness, the inattentiveness. I'd like to NOT hate myself.

When I called Keith, I spoke briefly with Graham, who said the new piano had arrived. Keith said he'd vacuumed it all out insidel

I like that about him (now if he'd just go on and vaccuum the rest of the house while he's at it. I can't ask that of him, since I haven.t done it myself. I'm not a good partner. I'm not a good wife. I feel as if he might be better off without me.

The liquid crystal in the cracked screen is leaking out covering more and more of the screen, making it harder and harder for me to work. I really need a NEW Psion. This one is barely functional.

The sky is a muddy brownish color.

I talked to the car, I asked it to listen when a nearby car started right up, and to notice the cars driving by. But that didn't help.

I would try doing Reiki on it, but I've already called AAA!

It's 6:30, I've been back from my walk over an hour. It's been an hour since I called Keith.

I could work on my story, but I feel uninspired. I could write a poem. I should do something useful, not just sit here batting away the yellow jackets.

I'm tempted to eat my candy bar--did I say that? I haven't succumbed to temptation yet. I'm not really hungry, but it would taste good and temporarily cheer me.

An ol mistang goes by. Buses and ordinary nondescript cars. Fewer people now, going by. A hispanic family, the gril about graham's age or a little younger, on roller skates, just the girl, not the rest of them. A black man asks for a light, all toothy and grinning.

I'm not very cheery.

The rape is the pivotal part of the story, Milli's story. But in order for the rpae to have meaning and consequence, there must be a before ad after. A negative change. I wonder if Milli should be carrying a small animal, a baby animal that she's attempting to rescue. The animal is injured,s eriously, in the first rape, and killed in the second. The symbolism would be that of her innocence and somepart of her spirit. ut it would have to be believable.

6:37 PM, no sign of the helpers. The yellow jackets are getting more persistent.

Maybe I could call the story, "The Rehabilitator" and Leave the Slovenia part of it out--Im not sure that's necessary. Maybe the reason she seeks shelter is, in part, tokeep the baby animal forom getting wet and chilled. What animal--a squirrel? A bird would be good. But it would have to be too young to fly. The symbolism there would be that Milli's freedom is in some way compromised by this act, as well. And her joy. Her ability to experience joy.

I have to cnsider whether the having been away is important to the story. And whether Jimmy assists int he rescue of some ther animal first.

I am berating myself for taking a lot of time to write ABOUT the story, rather than actually writing the story, but I've tried several times to write it and it hasn't worked so far. Well, Iw rore wrote stories, but I didn't like them.

OK, the rape is pivotal, but where does the story begin? With Milli finding the baby bird? WWhat kind of bird? A rabin? It would not have been her first. Where does she find it? Why is she there alone atnight--or is she carrying it with her? Does she have some worms in a ziplock bag?

6:45 no AAA

IT's getting darkish and harder t see what I am writing, since the font size is tiny and I can't change it the way I used to when the Psion worked right.

Someone, Doug, I think, did not like my using the symbolism of the birds in that stroy I wrote about wegman's dream. He liked only the part actually transcribed from the dream, the dramtic part, but not my resolution of it.

Does that mean it.s not a good story? Is my resoltuion unbelievable? Would the birds here be an unnecesary add on that detracts from the real story? Or would the provide context and meaning. I'm not really sure. The plain unadulterated ha ha story is just that plain and not really very interesting.

6:51 The sun is dropping below the cloudbank and spreading honey ornage all down the sidewalk. It's right over the falls. Still no AA. In 9 minutes, I will have to call Diana back and tell her no one has come. I hope I then won't be asked to wait another 45 minutes.

If there is to be a baby bird, Milli probaby has to find it herlself. Or, since I wnated her to have a boyfriend, I guess he could find it. Simon?

"Milli,, her mother callled over the hum and rattle of the dishwasher, "It's Simon. Milli dashed for the phone, almost ripping it from her mother's hands..

"You got a what?" She hollered into the phone. "A Baby bird? Like Sesame? A robin? Can you put it bakc in the nest? No, the cat got the mother?

6:59 The phone rings. It is AA, they are looking for martha Costello at Niagara St and Rainbow Blvd. That's where I am, but I am not marth

7:02 AAA again, calling to verify my name and number.

This is not a good way to work on a story.

There was no one parked in front of me for over an hour, over and hour and a half, but now, someone just parked in front of me, the are running donw to see the fals at sunset and if they hurry, they might ake it.

Tuesday, 9-20-05 oh no, the blob of liquid crystal has now spread to cover the entire screenand I can only see the edges of a few owrds top and bottom.

List for Dr. Shawn Fazio from Mary Stebbins, Septmeber 17, 2005

• "stomach ache" I have a stomache ache today, or someother discomfort in my abdomen that makes me feel a little queasy, and I have had it several times recently and am not usually prone to stomach aches

• I was sick one day (with a one-day stomach virus or smething). I did not vomit, but the next day, I had a sudden sharp abdominal pain after feeling fine all day and rushed into the bathroom and vomited. Shortly later, I feltfine again. Since that tie, I have had several stomache aches or abdominal queasienesses, but I don't know if they are related.

• water in the ear: I have an uncomfortable feeling of water in my right ear. Last time that happened I had a build-up of ear wax and you told me told me to run water in my ear, hot water from the shower, which I have done every day since then EXCEPT when I go camping. The problem started when I wet camping and was unable t shower for a few days and when I returned home, I've been runnin water in my ears every day. It does seem to be very slowly getting better but it is takinga long time. and hasn't gotten there yet.

• weight, excess fat: I am getting fatter and fatter no matter what I do. If I try to lose weight or don't, it doesn't seem to matter. This is scary and depressing! I walk 45 minutes a day, but that doesn't seem to help.

• fibromylagia: Variable. Sometimes bad, sometimes less bad. Never good.

• Insomnia: I still have trouble sleeping. I get restless and itchy and twitchy. I think I am allergic to something I'm eating, but I don't know what.

• Sleep apnea: I did get my CPAP adjusted and that seemed to help, but the mask gets tangled and pulls off and hisses and blows air in my eyes and keeps me from sleeping well.

• ADD/forgetfulness: Dr. Lal was upset that I hadn't yet seen Dr. Straubsinger as she thinks I may have ADD, but I had trouble getting an appointment. Phone tag etc. I DO have one for an evaluation tomorrow.

• Cholesterol Meds: I never took any. When I went to get them filled, they wouldn't fill tem. I played phone tag with your nurses and with te people at the HMO and still haven't gotten any. Can you test me again? Check my blood, for comparison? See if I reallly still need them? Fend***