rolling blackouts?

They are predicting rolling baclouts here if the residents don't cut their electricity use.  But the businesses are running banks of TVs and computers and huge air conditioners.

7-17-06 to 7-28-06

                July 17, 2006, Monday, 7:30 PM

                Iamout walking.  It's been a hot day, but not quite therecord-breaking heat wewereexpecting.  Hot, though,anyway.  Iamwaling slowly because of the heat and also because I am full fromdinner.  I was out earlier taking the state fair paperwork and ees to  the post office and transferring the money to cover the checks, and considered waling, but it was so hot and Iwas also hungry,so I camehome first and ate, which was amistake.

                8:00 PM  45 minutes is a long time to walk in this heatandmy hips are startingto hurt..  But walking faster won't get me there any sooner andwhen I get there,waht reliefisthere?  Just work.

                I've been looking for tringles fot the Photiquetheme.  Therearen't thatmany of them to be seen. Need some geodeicdomes or some architechturl bridgework.  Roofs are trangles of sorts, some of them, andsomehubcaps and someelaaves, but none ofthem really workthat well as adecentandinteresting photo.

                People go by on bikes, and Iwish I ahdone.  Here.

                Ikeepthinking I just want to go homeandsitdown,but when I get home,I should working,not sitting.  AK!

                This is NOTfun.

                Iwalk so Iwill be able to walk. My fear is that if Idon't walk,thefibro will cripple me up, as it has inthe past.  A vicious sownward spiral. 

                Onedanger withwalking in theneighborhoodisrunning into people I'd rather not talk to.  It might be worth theextra driving timeto go awayfromhere andavoid wasting talking time.

                Wednesday, July 19, 2006, 5:03 PM 

Don't Even Bother to Read this!

                I'm sad.  Really, I'm feeling depressed andangry andunhappy and lethargic and annoyed and unbearble.  No oneeven wants to hear about being depressed and that's depressing, because I'd like to be able to talk about it.  I was remembering how susan "Epstein said she didb't understand being depressed waht that meant, so she wwould think of it as being sad. 

                I don't know why I'm feeling so sad.

                Perhaps it's simply that I didn't get enough sleep,I was up too late andthendidn't sleep well whenIdidget tobed.  Perhaps it's because I haven't slept well for days.  Perhaps itwas the hummous I ate last might, I mayy be allergic to chick peas, I'm not sure.  Perhaps it's the fact that it's 5:07 now, nearly dinner time,and I've had no lunch  Maybe my blood sugar is down.

                Perhaps it ws the email I got from Heidi.  I was feeling sad that we were ot of tocuh andemailed her a note.  But her repsonse upset me deeply.

                I'm out walking at the Park, Meadowbrookpark or whatever it is,  A young black couple, attractive, is lying on the ground, sheonher stoman,heresting his head on his back, talking.  A sweetscene, except that they are lying in the middle ofthe path.

                A runner comes up behind meand passes me like I'mstanding still.  I'm walking even more slowly than usual.  I'm tired and sad andlow energy.

                I see a mama duck and three ducjlings half grownbut still peeping and I take somepix, at the edge of the pond.  It's hot and the bugs arebuzzing,summer song.  Birds chirping.   But not as hot as the last few days, thoughstill plantyhot.

                I'm fat and I don't want to be fat and I am OLD and I don't want to be old, thoughin spite ofmy "sadness," I'drather beold than dead. I'd rather be lean and healthy and energetic and happy and YOUNG.  Younger physically anyway,more energetic and capable.

                What do I want?  I wantt to be happy.  It's a braight, sunny, beautiful day,but I can't seem to get out fromunder this dark cloud to enjoy it.

                Perhaps I need to write a gratitudelist:

•           I am grateful for Keith (but I wish Iwerewith him)

•           I am grateful for my three children and their relative health and safety. For their intellience andtalents. 

•           I am grateful for trees and green.  All the trees and plants and grassin their summer green. 

•           For frogs croaking.

•           I am gratefulfor sunshine and blue sky (phew,hotthough!)

•           I am grateful for friends

•           I am grateful for opportunities to be creative andopportunities for socializing.

•           I am grateful that I can walk.  Even though at the momnet I am wishing I didn't have to walk.  Iwant to continue to be able to.

•           I am grateful for a hankie to wipe away the salty sweat that is running into my eyes and burning them.

•           I am grateful that so far, there areno mosquitoes.  (Yesterday there werezillions and theywere mean.)

•           Iam grateful for the fact that there are relatively few people out here and the ones there are are relatively courteous and friendly.

•           I am grateful for the pleasantmemories U have of walking here with Keith.

•           I am grateful for the photographic opportunities thathave presented themselves to me here int he past.

•           I am grateful for the coolness ofshade

•           I am grateful fun the yellow tennis ball in the trail that reminds meof children playing and of dogs who carry a tennis ball everywhere

•           I am grateful for trees and flowers, even for knapweed.

•           I am grateful for the beauty of flowers and trees and birds andbirdsong and formyabilty to perceive and enjoy that beauty.

•           I am grateful forcicada song and cricket song and chicadees.

•           I am grateful for sunny,sweaty, humid,steamy meadows withtheirpletora ofgrasses and wildflwoers.

•           I am grateful for friendly people,friendly dogs and beautifulvistas.

•           I am grateful for the sound ofmororcycles tht reminds meof good times with my sweetie.

•           I amgrateful for love,for friendship, for companionship and for solitude, for view of peoplesitting together under thetrees.

•           I amgrateful for thesmall breeze cooling the rivulets of sweat running downmyface, aems,back.

•           I am grateful for fecundity,forgrowth. For the different between summer's lushness and winter's sparenss.

•           I amgrateful for the blueness of sky, the whiteness of clous, the flight of birds.

•           I am grateful for having the timeIneededto adjust to the idea of having apartner again after 20 yearswithout one.

•           I am garteful for Canterbury Bells

•           I am grateful for the graceful way the sun shinesthroughspread translucent flightfeather like a rainbow.

•           I am grateful for the sweet smell of salt spray roases.

                I am not grateful for the fact that I am nearly back to the car andhaveonlywalked 37minutes and still have 8 to go.  I don't want to walk 8 moreminutes.

                Thispark isn't really quite big enough for a 45minute walk,even for someone who is old and tired.  I keep on going on the tril part the car along the creek.

                When I turn back and go to the car, it's still not 45minutes so Iwalk past again.

                5:56PM

•           I am grateful to be done withmy walk

•           I am grateful that the car is at least partly in the shade.

•           I am grateful for airconsitioning in my car (if not my house)

•           I am grateful for water (even if it is warm)

                I am not grateful that the spacebar on the Psion has never worked right and continues not to.

                Now I am going to go home and eat my second meal of the day.  While I would like to be thinner, I HATE the way I feel when Imiss a meal.  I feel cranky and resentul.  As if all the thin people of the worl want me to suffer this pain and weakness.  This unhappiness.

                I do feel somewhat better than I did when I started out.

                7:59 PM Thursday July 20, 2006 (?)  Iam out walking.  I have an hourand15 minutes before I amsupposed to be online with Keith and I have to walk45minutes andmakemyself some food.  Dinner,and then hopefully get mynightgown onbefore Isit down totalkand get on-line.

                Thunderis rumbling overhead and theysky isweird looking and threatening and there was just a warning over the radio of severethunderstoms with penny-sized hail so Iamwatching as Iwalk andunsure how far I should walk.  I'm inmyownneighborhood. Dangerous damaging winds and hail, take cover is what it said.  I was hoping I could take cover on someone's porch if I had to because if Idon't walk now whenwill Iwalk?

                If it does hail,though, thatcould mess up my schedule and Idon't have cell phoneany more,atleast not ine thatworks.  Thatis onmy to-do list for the daybut I forgot, I forgot to call about it becauseofall the other thingson my to-do list starting with a race to get as much garbageout before the garbage trucks cameand thenissues withmymother's trustand taxes etc.

                If I walkfaster, I will getback homefaserbutthen I won't havewlaked 45minutes rumble rumble.

                I had a terriblenight andhavebeen very hot and tired all day,but Istillamangedto work very hard nd get alot done, but not all of it on the house.

                I worked hard on the house until about 1:30-2:00 andthenstarted dealing with other issues.

                Keith called,Iwas about to hop in theshowerandin thattime,an hourandhalf, Iwanted to shower, dress,walk 45minutes and eat dinner, but he added something to my list, something important but brief but then in myrush to get out andgetback,I forgot to do it. Ineed to lookatmycheckbook nd be surethat I transferredthemoneyto cover the check I wrote him for Sara's birthday and Nikki.  The purse is in the car so I need to rememnber to do it when I getback fromt he walkand before I go in tomake supper, ifpossibleand I'mafraid I'll forget.  It's importantbecause he's cashing the check. WhichmeansifIdidn't do it, I'll have to go to the banktonight sothecheck won't bounce.  I think I already did it but I want to be sure.

                The days aregetting shorter, it's nearly a month since the solstice, and themidsummer day/night is only a week and ahalf away or so.  Oh-h,lightning.  Brightandhot and close.  I keep walking.  Aiee.  The thunderrolls.  I am 15minutes intomy walk and already quitefar fromhome (well, 15minutes awayas fast as I canwalk!)

                I think that instead of taking my normal 45-minute-long walk,Iamgoing tohead home,straight home by themost directroute,getmypurseout of the car and toss it intothe house and thenifthe rainhasn't hit orthehair,walk short laps aroundthesmallest blck,round andround.  That seems stupid, but, safer than being out herealonein a tank top with 2 cameras anda computer etc.

                Iwas goingtomention it seemedreally dark,whichis what Iwas leading up to when Imentioned that itwas a monthfrom the solsticeandthedays are getting shorter, but all the streetlights just cameon,so it's notmyimagination.

                It's hot.  The skyis black, the cicadas are buzzing in thetrees.

                8:23 Thesky is rumbling constantly andflashingconstantly and the patterns of deeply billowed black clouds areshifting overheadand the air seemsfaintly greenishishand faintly yellowishand the streets are utterly still, as if there was no onein the world but me.  No kids playing, no onemowing theirlawns or talking totheirneighbors,no one out walking or biking, not even anycarsgoing by, it's utterly still

                Who--the whole sky shakes withlight.

                Here comes the wind.  It had been still until now,but hereitcomes.

                It feels great because it's so hot, but I'mpicking up thepaace. I'd already been walking as fast as I could,nearly, butnot quite, because now Iamwalking faster.  Yikes.

                When thewind hits, there is asudden flurry of activiy, cars going by, a runner,voices.  So oddd that the activity is coordinated withthe wind,like in amovie.

                8:31 PM  When I get home, I have walked amlost exactly 30 minutes, just over by afew seconsds,instead of 45.  I get my purse out of the car and leave 3 camera in the house and get a plastic bag forthePsion and go back out.  When I walk back out, awall ofheat hits mein the face, the mid basement andgarage arestill cooler than the outdoors by anoticeable amount, though therest of the housenow isprobably hotter.

                I look up at thesky.  Thecenter portion islighter now, shadowed by a big thudnerhead.  Ithink it would makeanicepicture,but I left all the camera in thehouse, even Ollie.

                Oncegain,nothing much is stirring but the breezeandthe thunderandtheflashesoflighting.  At7 and a halfminutes, I cometo alino-like catlaying contented on apicnic table,unruffled by the appanrent impending storm. I admireitand turn back.

                At 9 minutes, it starts raining.  I am six minutes from home.  More lights are comeing on.  I see in someone's house a large television running, through an opened screen door.  But I hear no sound but rumbling.  Then an explsion and a siren.  Another explosion, a bolt of lightning so brilliant I unconsciously leap to the side.  Thunder.  Amd an explsion.  Is someoneshooting off fireworks?

                So far, the rain is fairly light, and in the breeze, the wet falling drops feel cool and good.  Penny-sized hail, on the other hand,would not feel so good. 

                When I get to the garage, I have not yet walked 45minutes, I've been walking faster on the way back,so go back out again.

                                Monday, July 24, 2006, 8:12 PM I am out taking a ten minute walk because I just finished mowing and I only mowed 35minutes so I am making up the difference now by wlking.  Iprobably won't run into the Putnams cause they went by while Iwas mowing.  A little boy just drove by on a miniture powered motorcycle.  He looked like he was only about 45 years old andthe thing went very fast and he went rhough intersections, I'm not sure I approve.

                Speakingof disapproval, Some woman just went by in the opposite direction and I said hi and shelooked at me rather asknce.  I must say I dolook rather odd.  I amwearing winter patterned camouflage shorts that I put on so as not to sweat up my "real" shorts while mowing.  I have on a tourquoise tank top with my new camera case from Sara from Ritze velcrowed onto the left straps of the tank top because I'm not wearing a belt.  My ahir is all disshelved from working in the yard and all all sweaty from mowing.

                Oh well.

                Speaking of disapproval, chaos reins.  The house is disintegrating into something worse than chaos,pure pendemonium.  It's horrible, and into the utter disarray or disgust of it all,markcamae  Oh well.

                Tuesday, July 25, 2006,7:32 PM  Sunshine,rain,thunder,lightning, all at once.  I'm out walking in it.

                It was raining too hard to write.  Then a rainbow came,and then a double, but ut was still raining to hard to write.  Now, at 7:45, the storm has moved past and I'm still walking.  Earlier is was unbearable hot and huid, and then, the sky turned black and a wind came up, but it wasn'ta fresh wind,it was a hot wet sticky yukky wind, like a dirty dishcloth dragging across my face. 

                I was feeling so terrible earlier, so unbearblycranky and unahppy.  Everything was going wrong and I felt horribly as if Icould commit murder suicide or something.  Not something I'd really do, of course, just this feeling ofhelpless rage and desperate unhappiness.  But walking in the rain with lightningand thunder (kind of scary) and the sunshining at my back, Isuddenly felt cleansed andhealed and whole again, relaxed, happy, at peace.

                The problems I had earlier haven't gone away.  The printer is jammed and Idon'tknow how to clear it.  I have a lot of pictures to print between 4 for the state fair entries and at least as many for consandimages, so I need to get it working again.

                I'm about a half to 3/4 mile from home and walking fairly slowly.  I can't walk any faster.  I've been up too late every night and not sleeping well.

                I'm Tired.

                The wind is freshening again and this time it's cooler, ad all Icansay is, I hope Imake it home before it starts pouring.  It was raining steadily and hardish earlier, and that was almost refreshing.

                I'm loving the amber spyglass that Keith is reading to us and also enjoying Drop City.  at first, I was having ahard time with it because it was remindingmeof the bad times I had as a hippie (with little atention given to the good times).  It was freakingme out.  But now I've sort of gotten used to it, and am enjoying it more and keep wanting to talk to someone about it, someone who was there and remembers.  Because parts are accurate and parts are not and Iwant to check my recollections with someone else who wasthere. 

                I want to write about it too.

                It's a little cooler out here,but when I get back to the house, it will probably be in 90s inside.  It cools off at night (assuming a cool night outdoors, which we don't always get) and slowly heats up during the day.  Then in the evening, if it does cool off outside, it's very hot in the house. 

                Of course if it doesn't cool off outside, it's even hotter.

                I'm slowing down even morebecause the fibro pain in my hips is worsening.  I don't have too much farther to go and it's starting to rain again, but I haven't yet walked 45 minutes, only 38.  Wahn.  I wish I could just go in and sit down.!

                I need to sit down and there is no where torest out here.  It's less that I'm tired than that my hips hurt at this point.  I was very sad to hear Erinsay she hurts all over.  WAHN!

                The wind has blown small branches down all over the road--at least they aren'tbig branches orwhole trees.

                I walked past my house and up Inclination to make up the missing time,but then I saw Rachel and Brad Putmam coming down their driveway and didn an about face.  The problem is,my hips hurt and I don't want to stand outside and talk.  I cut through my yard and through Adam's yard and back out on Sextant goingthe other way.  They probably sawmyandconsidered me rude,but my experience is that NO ONE understands that I cannotstand andtalk when the pain gets this bad!  :-(

                I walked 48minutes andamdesperate to sit down, but I need tomake supper and eat so I'll be ready to talk to K &G at 9:15.

                I had an idea for a peomthe other day,but I've been so busy I never had timeto write it andnow I've forgotten.  And story ideas and ideas for ongoing novels.

                I think I will put my PJs on.

                I need tocall Mark to drill a few more holes.

                Not tonight though.

                Wednesday, July 26, 2006, 5:43 PM  I'm doing something Inever thought I'ddo, I'm mall walking.  It's so hot and muggy out.  Maybe I'll do part of my walk here and part at OLP.

                I personally prefer cold weather to hot at least in someways.  You can always bundle up, But what do you do when it's hot.  Youcan't get nakeder than naked and you can't get naked at all in public. 

                6:05  I walked up and downe very aisle in Comp USa anbd only saw a few things that interested me, like a big screen  monitor. 

                Then I walked through Eastern Mountain sports and felt like I was getting old.  Otheryears, I've been out mountain climbing in July and August, not slinking aroundin the mall trying to stay cool.

                I've only had onemeal today and IamHUNGRYand tempted to go up to the food counrt,butIneed to walk, not eat, I have food at home.

                 I'm very thirsty andread about how germy public drinking fountains are, and as I bend to get a drink anyway,someold lady is telling me how abargeoverturnmed in Skanealteles lake and the water is bad and everyone should drink bottled water iuntil it is straightened out.

                I take a sip anyway, I'mreally thirsty.

                6:26 PM  I~ve been walking 26 miny--no, 29 minutes,andIam headed into best buy now.

                Best Buy:  Gateway Tablet PB $1499.99, 14 inch screen,1024MB DDr2memory, 100G hard drive, DVD reader, writer, Integrated wireless LAN,wireless connectivity, Instock, they have #lots" 

                Well, I interrupted my walk to play with a Gateway Tablet PC.  For the same size screen and samenumber of gigs,it is 500 dollars less than the Toshiba.  As far as I can see, it is comparable,but what amImissing?  I'm gunshy about Gateways after Dead.  What a piece of junkthat was.

                It's so tempting buy onebecause it's right here right now and I could just take it home withme andstart using it,exceptthat they don't have software for it, not the aoftware Ineed.    I wonderif I could use it directly inphotoshop, I could in Paint. 

                I wish I had more free time, I'dlike to go back to that Tablet user site and ask some questions..

                7:41 PM  I am back in my carinthe Carrousel Center parking garagae andI bought NOTHING--I didn't cometo buy,I cameto walk.  ButI wasreally temptedto buy.

                I walked 49minutes.  It is not cool in the parking garage,itis stiflingly hot.  It is notcool intheupper floorof themall proper,the walking areas,either.  And to walkindoors on a beautifulsunny summer dayseemssomehow sinful. Butitis SO HOT.

                Of course,it will be tomorrow,too.

                Bad me.  Thursday, July 27, 2006, 7:49 PM.  Badme.  The computer wasbeing recalcitrant and I hadn't walked or eaten, so I wentout in the rain andwalked over to Doug's Fish Fry and ordered up some scollops andrings with slaw.  I don't want to make a habit of that,but Iwas feeling sorry for myself for working all the time and not having any summer fun and always walking in theneighborhood rather than somewhere fun or interesting. No Coney,no Pizza and wings, nocompanionship or going to see Hamlet. Wahn! 

                Ittook me15 minutes to get here,so I still havea half hour to walk.

                But there are trade-offs.  The fish fry is a treat, but it consts more than normal food and might make me sick.

                I sit facing thewindow andwatch the rain.  But in the window, Isee the reflections ofpeople moving around behindmeand it makes very uncomfortable. Tradeoffs again.  I get to see the sundrop below the clouds and set. But I feel exposed,vulnerable anduncomfortable.  I'd like to sit back to the wall and look out, but that's not an option.

                The long days of summer are shrinking.

                I don't quite finsih myfood.

                A man was holding the door for me,but anapkin was stiuck to the tray and wouldn't come off and he got disgusted and left.  It's still taining.  I'm headed for the P&C on foot becauseI've been out of raisins all week.  For more than a week,maybe.

                There are boxes at the liquor store, but I can't take them because I'mon foot andit is raining.  Icould drive back,buttheymay begone.  Now Ihave walked 19minutes.

                It's really nice to watch the skychnaging.  Therain has stopped,though it's very wet and the trees aredripping, and the sky is going through its rigamarole.  Lots ofdifferentcolors andpatterns as the sunset rises to rilliance and slowly fades.

                Friday, July 28, 2006, 7:55 PM  Sun very low on the horizon already, orangeand pretty but disappearing, wahn.  When Iwalked outside to beginmy constitutional, I had a strong sense of aversion towalking in the neighborhood onemoretime.  Again.  UGH!  But I set off determinedly because I'm trying to save timeandhopefully apply it to the work that needs to be done.

                I don't even bother carryingcamera anymore, there's nothing to see andnothingtot ake pictures of.  But lo and behold, the light is striking on someCampanulas (?) inmy neighbor's yardsoI get Nikki out iof her pouch and attempt a picture.  Of course I immediate wish for Eeyore,who's languishing in the trunk of the car. 

                Last night, I didn't go to bed.  At all, not at night anyway, I was up all night and didn't go to bed until after 5 AM.  This walk may push me overthe edge, but I feel OK so far.  It helps that this is the first "cool" day inages,it's in the 80s ratherthan 90s.  And a littleless humid.

                It was raining hard this morning,butnow the sky is a perfect blue.  Not even a wisp of cloud anywhere.

                I am reading drop City.  I read ONLY during meals andI stop when theemal is done. I've been pretty faithful about stopping,but tonight, there was one small section left to theend of the chapter, less than a page,so I read that.  I have three chapters left.  I like the book.  It's a good novel, and a good story.  There's conflict aplenty.  I'menjoying reading it, BUT I don't feel that itisentirelyfaithful tomy hippie experience because it starts when bad stuff was already happening and totally misses the good stuff that came first.  Not that there wasn't somebad then too,but it doesn't do a goodjobof portraying the allure.  Even if itwas wrong, the allure was powerful and positive, atleast at first. There is only glimmers of that in the book. 

                It's tue that things deteriorated into chaos and negativity, but to be fair in portraying it, I'd like to both sides shown more clearly.

                I'd like to tell my story.  I've started on it anumber of times, but the problemis, it has to be EITHER anovel OR mystory,it can't be both,becauselife isn't like a novel.  Ittends to droneon and bogged down and take sudden turns,and thecharacters changesometimes, without continuity.

                I think I would prefer to write a novel with some of theelments of my hippie story in it, but with more coherence.  There should be somedisjointedness and some disappearances,orit wouldn't be realistic, but who wants it to be too realistic?  AK?

                When I was a kid, I had a budget.  My parents gavememore allowancethan they gavemy brothers, because I had a budget and stuck to it religiously.  I saved money for socks and underwear and for fishfood and other necessities.  I had a row of little yellow cans with lids and holesinthetops and they were sort enameld.  Into those little cans I would drop mylittle portions of allowance each week until Ihad enough tobuy new socksor underwear or whatever elseIwas saving for.  They I would go on an expedition to acquire those items.

                I have afantasy of little story pots into which I dropideas, characterizations,threads andconnetions,plots and place,and then when I have time,Itake out the scraps and shape them intomynextnovel, LOL!

                But, I haven't really figured out how to do that.  You'd think thecomputer would be theperfect place,but the computers keep dying.  And rightnow, Toby is already again too full to operate properlyand running veryslowly and it's hard forme to do anything at all.  Is tart a process and thengo off and sortpapers or dolaudry and comeback andit hasn't even finished yet.  Soemthingthatshould have taken 30seconds isn't donein twentyminutes.  I asked it to save afile,whenoff took ashower,go sressed, and it was only 1/3 of the way through.

                I desperately have to do something about that, but Ialsodesperately need to get IconsandImages ready.  I needthecomputer to dothat, but moving files andburning CDs takes time, a lot of time.

                I'm ina conundrum!

                I feel like a robotor a rat in amazewalkingthe same small selection ofstreets every day.  How utterly deadening

                Another thing tocomplain abot:  it's Friday night,no partying.  It's the weekend,no trips to the Adirondacks orHighland Forest or Morgan Hill. Just thesmae plodding work,just the tunnel with no light at the end.  But Ihaveno right tocomplainwhen people ofdying of starvation and being killed bybombsandfloodand hurricanes 3etc, so I'd better be quietabout it.

                I had been thinking I'd write soemthing on my hippie book or on the herpetologist, but anovel isundweildly,a ndwhen it reaches a certain weight, it can't bebalenaced readily on thehead of a pin.  I can't juggle all the characters andevents and relationships andmore without jotting themdown and rereading them.  I need quiet and no disturbance forperids of time to gather the threads together again or anew.  It is easier to start soemthing new than iron out the rough spots on the old until I havetime andspace.  A decnt computer and along periodof time.  Ineed time toreread, and ponder and reread again andpick up the threads and go on.

                I just had an idea.  I could do it on google pages,ratherthan ona blog, and add to iteach day.  At the bottom, so it can be followed.

                Iwassoinetent on writingthat I missed one of the streets Inormally walkaround tolengthen the walk, so I'm coming up short and will ghave to dosoemthing to take up some slack.  AK.

                I could work on an outline.  I started that "Goat Novel".  It's goingto soem very different place.  Different than drop City.  Stream went andlived in caves in France.  Ican't write about that because Iw asn'ttheere. Ihave towrite about theplacesandpeople Iknew and thethings I did, ebven ifte book isn'treally about me. Notmy storyper se, anyway.

                I like the story starting as it does at Saint Lawrence University with a girl arriving wetbehind the ears andmeeting the goat clan.  I hadtrouble with timeand trasitions as Ioften do.  I tend to compact everything thattook months into a week, andthat's not good.  So need a timelineand a way to figure out how to stick to it.

                I likethe wayBoynoton (?) does it in DDrop City,hejust cuts awayto a scene without following up what

's happening, justat somecruical point when you're all excited. He doesn't explain everything. Then, reading along in thenextsection, you findout whathappened before and menawhile the new sectionworks slowly towward a climax and then cuts away just when you're all invovled.  You start the next aprt wanting to knowwat happened.  But you don't find out what happened right awa because the chapter has gone on to soemthing else maybe weeks later and by the time you dofind out, you'resucked in to thenextsection.

                Ineedtolearn to dothat. 

                So, I HAD been thinking the goat novel would be it's own thing and then there's be a series of others,but it would be so much the better if the whole complex story couldbe told ina  singlenovel.  The rise and fall of hippiedomin oneperson'slife and howitaffectsand chages her, andher friends, how they doan don't survive (inreallife,soemdie!)  There needs to be endurin characters as well as trasitory characters to make it worth reading and to the story.

                I think it sould go fromstarting college full time at St lawrence through sropping out, NYC,hitchiking, SF, the fleas, the drugscene, the various communes and crash pads, and sex scenes,to Oakwood ave and thepeople shooting up (not her) and meth and so onglue etc, to starting part time,to being beat up and robbed etc, to startingschool again at ESF.  1964 to 1968, 5 years for the time-line.  The whysand wherefors.  I would like the scene starting at ESF to echothescene at SLU.  With improtant difference, the older and wiser.  Andsadder and disillusioned.  There's the synopsis.

                In the novel, the goat novel, the heroine has a name,but themanuacript is in Michigan,and Ican't remember.  Iwant to call her alicia,ut I tinkthat's a different novel. 

                I was coming aroundtoward homeafter walking 33minutes,whichwas 12minutes short,so I took anotherloop and came back havingw alked 50 minutes--sweating,phew.

                Hotnow,relatively, it's 78 inhere,except int hestudy which is hotter.  But I'm alls weatified from walking.  Iwhip offmy clothes andput mynightgown on thinking Imightwear thesame clothes tomorrow--it'salreadytimeto vistmy mother again,thetimeis just whipping by. Considering how little sleep I got, I am going relatively well.

                Things arenot all hunky dorey though,my feet and ankles are quite swollen.  This isthe first timein a while that's happened, and I'mblaming Doug's fishfry.

                In the few emaining minutes before Italk to keith,I'dlike to download this file andpost it torawwords.  Thenextract the synopsis for the goat novel and create timeline. Yeahright,andwhen Iamdonewith that, transfermore files to Hilda.

                Before Iwentfor awalk Iwastrying todelete somefiles and theyare still notdeleted!  :-(

--
I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats
Mary

July 29, 2006

060729 Walk in Kimbrook

                Saturday, July 29, 8:26 PM  Iam out walking.  It's been raining and it briefly cooled off,but it warmed upp again and is hot, steamy and huid,ugh, and getting dark already.  A man Iam passeing gives me a disgusted look because his dog is abrking and lunging at me as if I'm doing soemthing wrong bywalking here, but HEis on the wrong side of the street and has white hair,so he's old enough to know better.  A car goes by and nearly sideswipes me and I'm walking in thedaitch and theroad is wide enough for three or for cars to pass and no one is coming.  Aiee.  And not because hecan't see me, it's notthat dark.  He's got a stick up his butt or something.

                I hear a "bell song" but itis not the samebell song, but a different one.  I can see the birdplainly at the top of a dead tree but it is toosmall and dark tomakeout what it is.

                The cicadas are going nuts  

                After nearl6y beaing sideswiped, I run way up into the wet grass everytime a car comes which is surprisingly often.

                I wish I could walk somewhere else, but am trying to save time by not driving anywhere,sincetimeseems of anessence.

                I was recalling, in the grocery store, a funny and soemwhat poignant discussion,or series ofdiscussions with Grahamthat I thoughtmight make a good piece and also goodmaterial to put in one of thestories I'm theoretically working on.

                My son,Grahamand Iwere visiting my daughterErin, and Iwas making a big fuss over my grandpuppy, Mr. Rochester. Mr. Rochester, was,infact, nota puppy at all, but Ilike to referto him as mygrandpuppy, since he'smydaughter's dog andit's fun to be silly with him. 

                "Oh, Mr. Rochester," I cried, in a high-pitched silly voiice, "what a good dog you ar!"  The Itold him tosit.  "Goooood Boy,!" I squealed.

                Graham was eleven at the time,and very serious.  He wanted to be takenseriously, to be treated with repsct.  So Iwas suprised when he asked me, "How comeyounever ttell me I'ma good boy?"

                "Well," I stuttered, temporarily at aloss for words, "I do.  Ialways tell youwhen youdo agood job, and whenyou makemehappy."

                "Not like that!" Graham insisted.

                "Do you want meto talk to you like that?"  I asked.

                "Yes!" he said.

                For a while, I tried to enject a littlemore enthusiasmand gaity into my praising ofhim, but when wewere away from Mr. Rochester,hesoon forgot his jealosy and was aptly pleased with moreappropriate praise.

                A short timelater, Iwas leaning against Keith and telling him inmy silly romantic voicehow much Iloved him and how sweet and cute he was.  Graham came into the room andsaid,howcomeyounever talk to me likethat?"

                "Because," Iansweree, "You'remy son and the apple of my eye, you'remy little sweetei and Dad ismy big sweetie, and there'sa difference between the two.  I love you both,but I love you indifferent ways."

                This is the smae boy who goes off to school without even sayinggoodbyemost of the time.  If Iwant a goodbye hug, I have to grab himand give it to him.  At famnily gatherings,if there are nochildren, he wants to sit in my lap andbe my baby,butif there are children, I'm no different than a pieceoffurniture.

                When he asksme to make hima milkshakeandhe runsoff with it, without a thank you, I wantto say, "How come youdon't tell me I'ma good girl?" but I don't.  Whenhe says he'll run offandlive with Aunt Sandy if I'm mean to him, Iwant to say, "How come you don'tme the way you love her?" But Idon't.

                I know that loveis enduring.    And thatwelove each person differently. That thereareups and down in our feelings,and that our attention is sometimes diverted elsewhere, but the lovecontinuesunderneath. 

                I amblessed by the fact that Graham,now 12,is suprisingly affectionate still,that he is warm,and capableof actsof great kindness and love, and I can rmemeber this,usually, whenhe seems to be ignoring me.

                IfI seem to be ignoring him, I have to remember that heis still a child,and that it is hardforhim toremember the deep enduringnature oflove, howit runslike a riverunderneath everything.  If he's feeling ignored, orsecond best, I have to tell i love him  I have tolove himthe best I caninthe waysthat Ilove him, uniquely.

                ]]]]

                It's gotten very dark,andI didnotbring a headlamp. Sharon and Frankrode by on their bikesand Iwas wishingto ride mebike, but BOTH ofmy bikes are in Michigan because I thought Iwas moving there.

                It'shot and steamy andsummery, buttheearth has tippedawayfromthe sunand deasonsarechaging. Tuesday is Midsummer Day,and it is easy to see that we're progressing rapidly toward the equinox.  Dark drak dark, so soon,so early.

                The air is full of bats and I hope they eat of some of these mosqitoes!

                9:12 Iamhome,only walked 43minutes,but I tookMom for a walk and walked at Wegman'sso I hope that's good enough.  I need to get on=line wth Keith,even though he may not beback from Gails.

                Considering I wrote the above in complete darkness, it isnot as bad as itmight havebeen.

                9;15 PN,he'snot there yet,but healmostalways signsina fewminutes late according to my clock.  So,hemay be coming,or hemay be in Jackson or somehwere inbetween.  He never said.

BloodrootzII banner attempt 2

 

First Draft of letter to Dr. Carter

Here's the first draft of the letter to Dr. Carter on behalf of Chapel house.  I had a little misadventure with it.  I wrote it while walking on my Psion and then when I got home, I tried to download it and got the message tat the file was corrupted.  Since it had taken me most of 45 minutes to write it, I was upset.  But by putting another flash card in, I was finally able to save it.  I hope that doesn't mean that the original flashcard and all the data on it is lost.

Here's the letter.  Let me know ASAP if there is anything I should change as I would like to get it sent because I have other things to attend to:

415 Moran Road

Gross Point Farms,

MI 48236-3212

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Dear Dr. Carter,

I am writing to express our deep appreciation for Chapel House. 

My husband, Keith, and I visited Chapel House recently.  We arrived On July 10th, which was the one-month anniversary of our marriage.  Because of circumstances in our lives at this time, we have been unable to take a honeymoon and have been strenuously busy attending necessary business.

It was truly wonderful to come to Chapel House and have a spiritual place of retreat and contemplation where it was calm and quiet.  We needed to renew ourselves, body and soul.  We made wonderful and delightful use of the library, loved the artwork, immersed ourselves in the silence, and generally were healed and made whole again.

It was Keith's first visit to Chapel House.  He was a little bit nervous about how it would work out, but I talked him into it. I had been before several times, and found it to be relaxing, healing and full of growth and wisdom.  And Keith loved it, as I knew he would.

Our first afternoon there, we took a quiet contemplative walk on the trails in the nearby woods, and saw two young deer, quite close.  What a thrill.  On our second night, we observed the blossoming of the resident night-blooming Cereus.  It was an incredible treat and truly a spiritual experience symbolic of the opening of our souls to the delights of silence and solitude.  Each day brought new treats. We enjoyed the well-prepared meals and the company of other retreaters at mealtimes.  We never went into town or left the retreat except to stroll on woodland trails.  We didn't want to break the delightful silence and contemplativeness.  In the woods, we loved the berries (and Susan made us a berry pie), the wildflowers, the rocky outcroppings, the little gorges and big cliffs.  In the Library, we read wide-ranging spiritual literature and studied over-sized books of great art.  For example, I spent a long time looking at the Chinese art.

I made a few sketches of the lily that our hostess Susan (she was charming and helpful) had placed on the table, of the night blooming Cereus, and of another plant in the breezeway, wrote a few meditative journal pieces and a little story, and sat and meditated, in addition to reading and walking.  It was a wonderful relaxing three nights and four days.  We were very sad to leave and hope to return again soon (and again, and again).

We wanted to write and let you know-how happy we were to visit Chapel House and how glad we are that Chapel House exists and offers refuge and solace.  We deeply hope that it will continue.

Sincerely yours,

 

Keith Taitt and Mary Stebbins Taitt

(Enclose pix?)

--
I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats
Mary

Dr. Carter letter and Psion Dump

unedited version:

Tuesday, 5-30-06 6:07 PM on Sylvanna P, (Sylvia seems to have suddenly died)  Tomorrow is my 60th birthday.  Tonight we are riding in the car with ML.  We are going to meet some of Keith's cousins.  Graham and I are in the back seat and it is hot. I am dressed in my new brown striped blouse that I got with my wedding clothes.  I am wearing a brown skirt of Susan's and I think it might be wool.  I'm sweating.  Profusely.

                Ruining my nice clothes.

                When I opened Sylvanna, there was a file that I thought was labeled "GOATS," but was in fact labeled "GOALS." When I thought it was labelled Goats, I thoughtit was about my goat novel andwas excited to see what I might have writtens, and was disappointed to see goals instead.

                I wanted to immediately write what I would have liked to have read, but it makes no sense to start working on another different novel.  I needto finish some of the one I am already working on.

                I wanted to work then instead, on The Herpetologist, or After the Party.  But all my work on that is located in diverse of ther places.  Including some I don't have at all any more, since it was stolen and never came back to me.

                If I could just think of some of the puzzles that need to be worked out, I could work on those.

                One thing about novels is there is so much stuff that needs to be held in themind and it is so hard to do.  Or, you have to have a marvelous filing system. 

                One problem is to decide who knows about Alicia and what Alcia knows, if anyone.  I'm inclined to say at this point that no one knows,but that Crogan is worried and reports his worries to Tony Baloney.

                I keep thinking I need to refer back to the manuscript, but of course, the manuscaript is gone.  For example, shelly.  Is everything I wrote about Shelly gone, or not?  What about Beardsley Beardsley?  How much is in the version I do have?  I need to reread it.  Really, I can't do this until I see what I have and what I need to reinvent.

                We are nearly at Applebee's anyway.  I've been participating in the conversation, anyway. 

                Sunday, July 16, 2006, 5 PM

                I am out walking alone and using Sylvanna Psion for the first time in along time. Both Sylvia and Sylvanna have been down for a while and now at least Sylvanna is working again.  The space bar on Sylvanna and most of the Psions is very poorly designed.  I have to work very hard and be attentive to make a space between the words and it's annoying and disruptive.

                Keith left this morning so I am alonefor the first time in two weeks, and a bit sad to be alone again and stuck here at the Kimbrook house with so much work to do.

                I am going to attempt to write a letter to Dr. Carter at Chapel House to express my appreciation for it.

                The heat is making the screen dark. I stop andtake a pictureof someroasideflwoers.  I'm sweating buckets and amalready thirsty, but didnot think to bring a water botttle as I strolled through the neighborhood.  The a's don't print well either.

* * *

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Dear Dr. Carter,

My husband Keith and I are writing to express ourdeep appreciation for Chapel House.  We arrived On July 10th, whichwas theonemonth anniversary of our marriage.  Because of certain circumstances in ourlives at this time, we havebeen unable to take a honeymoon and havebeen strenuously busy attending to affairs.

It ws truly wonderful to have a spiritual placeofretreat and contemplationwhere it was calmandquietto renew ourselves,body and soul.  We made wonderful anddelightful use of the library, loved the artwork, immersed ouselves in thesilence,andgenerally were heled and made whole again.

It was Keith's first visitto Chapel House,andhe wasa little bit nervous about how it would work out,but I talked himinto it. I had been before severaltimes,and found itto be relaxing, healing and full orgrowth and wisdom.  And Keith loved it, as I knewhe would.

Ourfirst afternoon there, we took a quiet contemplative wlk on thetrils in thenearby woods, and saw two young deer, quite close.  What a thrill.  On our second night there, we observed the blossoming of the residentnight-blooming Cereus.  An incredible treat and truly aspiritualexperiencesymbolic of the opening of our souls to the delights of silenceand solitude.  Each day brought new treats. Weenjoyed the well-prepaared meals andthecompnay of other retreateers at mealtimes.  We neverwent into town orleftthe retreatexcpetto stroll on woodland trails.  We didn't want to breakthedelightful silenceand contemplativeness.

((Iamsweating so much myeyes are burning andI had to stop and wipe the sweat from my eyes with a hankie))

I made a fewsketches of the lily that our charming hostess Susan hadplaced on the table, of the nightblooming Cereus, and anotherplant in the breezeway, wrote aa fewmeditative jornal pieces and a little story, and sat andmeditated, in additionto reading and wlking.  Itwas a wonderful relaxing three nights and fourdays.  We were very sad to leave and hope to return again soon, and again,and again.

We wanted to write and let you knowhow happy wewereto comeandhow glad we are that Chapel House exists andoffers refuge and solace.  We deeply hope that it will continue.

Sincerely yours,

 

Keith Taitt and Mary Stebbins Taitt

(enclose pix?)

* * *

                I wanted to write this while Iwas walking because now that myretret is over, it'sback to the oldgrand, nose to the grindstone work work workon the house.  And I was afraid I'dnever get it written.

                I am walking pretty slowly because it's so dang hot..  The sun is blaring and Imust be getting my quota of vitamin D today! I'm so thirsty.

                "Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in thenoonday sun."  Well,it's not exactly noonday, it's 5:30 PM, but it is HOT. Amazingtomethat there are people out mowing lawns and raking and doing yardwork.  Ican barely stagger along.  But, trthbe told, there aren't manypeopleout.  It'spretty quiet and still.

                My skinis slick and shining anddripping withsweat and suddenly, I think of the air-conditioned Grosse Pointe Farms  house.and wish I were headed back there instead of to the Kimbrookhouse.  Phew.

                Everyone in a while, there's the touch of a little breeze and it feels utterly heavenly.

                Or I pass under asmall patch ofshadefroma rare tree--they seem rarerthan usual today.  Or better yet, a patchofshade and I breeze!

                But then,back into the blinding sun.

                Aguy goes by on a Harley, revving theengine with megaphone pipesand generally acting anoying,but I think of my little BMW, Raven Fire, and I think how cool it would feel to ride along and let the wind blow on my face and body.

                6:03 PM  I come in and sit down and drink two large glasses of waterandsweat profusely.  Itry to downlod this file with the letter and it won't convert.  AK!  ;-(

 

 

--
I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats
Mary

060516 Kimbrook Cleaning etc

060516 Kimbrook Cleaning etc

May 16, 2006, 10:27 AM

                I had a very restless night and in the morning, a series of interesting and disturbing dreams.  One of the last ones I had was very disturbing.  I am in some house which is apparently my house and my brothers and family are all there. There's a little girl, blondish, maybe four years old, that belongs to someone, a great deal of warmth and love and some general weirdness.  Suddenly I realize that I've been gone two weeks and haven't fed the animals.  A terrible thrill of fear and guilt runs through me.  Then I realize I haven't been out to the barn to feed the animals in months.  I decide I need to go out and look.  Rita and some other offer to go out with me, but I explain about the possible dead animals and who knows what state they'll be in (I visualize skeletons, maggots, and maybe some still alive but suffering terribly) and I want to go out first by myself.  I am so disturbed by this that I wake up.

                I've had this dream (or one like it) numerous times before.  Not sure what animals I'm not feeding.

                In another dream, slightly earlier, where I run into Ron in some large parklike place (sort of liek Cranbrook, only different).  I am thrilled to see him and give him a hug and tell him I'm getting married June 10 and he says he is, too.  I say I'm getting married there, and he says he wantedto but was unable to reserve it andIsay I hope I didn't take his slot.  We talk.  A woman comes along to do somereseach in apond and goes into the water to look at some creatures on the rocks and I want to look at them too.  Several toher things like this happen

                I had a bad bad night, but need to do some work now.

                Tuesday, May 16, 2006, 6 PM.  I am out walkinga t Radisson, Erin is at my house waiting for the roofers.  I didn't want to be there when they came.  It's sunny but cool and breezy.

                I went shopping for trip food and started aload of laundry of clothes I need for the trip and sorted piles of stuff under cardtable in the kicthen.  I did NOT post a new picture on betterphoto today.

                I had a bad night last night.  Ironically, I went to bed fairlyr elaxed and happy because I've been sleeping better lately and had no indication Iwas going to have a bad night.  Instead of drifting off to sleep and getting a reasonable sleep, I tossed and turned and lay awake for hours with the heebie-jeebies where i was unbearably restless and my skin itched and was cralwing like bugs were on me.  I tangled the bed clothes and my hair came unriadedand I lost the hairband and it was jsut a reallyy bad night.  I had trouble getting going in themorningand didn't accomplsih as much as Iwanted to.  I never do, but it was even worse than usual.

                I'm in the woods,and it's buggy and there are birds isnging and painted trillium in flower.  Canada mayflower in flower.  Cinamon fern looking cinomony.

                I'm on an invisible, trail, okay! It's imaginary, too.  Iambushwhacking, and know gerally where Iwant to go andhow to get there, but there's no trail at all and never has been, notin the last 25 years anyway.

                Burdened with all my gear and my own great weight, I walk across a wetland on a rotting log.  Hope not to fall into the balc mud while mosquitoes hum in my ear and land on my face.

                The thrushes and veeries are going nuts.

                The ferns are nearly unfolded, royal ferns, mushferns, NY ferns, cinmon ferns.  Christmas ferns.  Sensitive ferns. I cannot walkthrough thus rich woods without trmapling soft young ferns and poison ivy and wildflowers.

                I've comeout in the Thornbird field where the thornbirds (shrikes) used to impale their victims (mice and voles) on the throns of the thrnapples for later eating.  The sun is shining and a breeze cuts the mosquitoes some..  Off in the distance down the fox hunt lane, I think I see another person walk8ing and alter my route.

                I head back into the Thornbird Field where the grass and weeds are already more than a foot tall, head west into the sun.  I'm going to rish the phragmites berm trail which has been impassably wet.  I hope Idon't get stranded and have to retrace the entire route.

                The phragmites berm trail is likely to be ultra buggy.

                In the thornbird field, thereare young ashes, maples,birches coming up, and lots of sensitivern, but I've only seen one thronapple. 

                The Phragmites berm trail is looking well used, with bike tarcks, human tracks, and deer track.  The bugs are ferociousthough, so I don't stop for foamflower in flower or chokecherry in flower.S

                Oh-oh!  I've walked half ofmy designated walk time, but I think I ammore than halfway back.  From the juntion of the Phagmites berm trail with Potter road, it's ten minutes back to the car.  Well, we'll see.  I guess I should have walked a little farther down fox hunt road.

                From inside the woods, on the Phregmites berm trail,Isee two women walking on the road that instersects with Potter road here, whatever it is.  I hear nearby scary screams like someone sufferening something terrible and wonder if I should stay in the woods  I take a few pictures of white trillium turning pink and of the swamp.  Including some wasted ones where a halfway focus turned into an inadvertant shot.  When I comeout,no one is around.  Iam ten minutes from the car but have to walk 18 more minutes.  I guess I should walk four minutes into 3R on Potter Road.

                Stop, Drop, and roll

                My friend jo(e) lives at the edge of the woods on a back road in train track village.  I stopped to see her the other day; she's one ofmy favorite people.  We took a stroll through her woods, ate a delcious lunch, and the set out to do reiki.  She had a chest cold and I have a brain tumor

                In her generosity, she did me first.  I lay on my back on her massage table and she lit a candle and washed her hands and did some ritual prayer, and then she put her hands on me.  They werecold at firstfromthe washing,but soon the heat of healing beganto flow.

                (tower mustrad in flower!)

                (I'm feeling sad about leaving this place!)

                (Thorn apple in flower.)

                (The body moving the eyes and mind through space often strikes me as a miracle.  Well, it is a miracle!  It's a beautiful day and my eyesand themind behind them watching, moves through sunshinepatches and and dappled green and the yellows of dandelions and post robbins and garlic mustards and poofy dandelions and puddles reflecting the canopy and sky.  and past garbage,too, because some people son't seem to have an awareness of the beauty and miraculousness of the forest, the periwinkles and the jays shouting at me for invading their space, and theflycatchers, too. 

                Just when I get onto the trail that leads deep into drowned owl woods, it is timeto turn and head back to the car and Ineed to do that and put the old nose to the grandstone!)

                jo(e) started on my head, where the tumor is, and it felt warm and relaxing and comforting and healing.  She spent a lot of timethere and it felt great, then moved on to treat the rest of my body with gentle healing warmth.

                When she finished with me,it was my turn to treat her.  Is tarted with her head, giving speacial attention to her sinuses.  Then Isat beside the candle to get my body inposition to apply heat to the top of her head.  This crown reiki tends to mmove down through the body healing everything in it's path and is very soothing.

                I could really feel the heat gathing in my hands, and as often happens, my whole body and beingwarmed to the task.  I got hotter and hotten until I felt like I was burning.

                OUCH!  I really was burning.  Iwas on fire!  I had leaned into the reiki candle andmy shirt had caught on fire!

                I hate to stop a reiki treatment in themiddle,but I said, "I'm on fire," or soemthing equally inane, and atemted to put it out by smothering it in the shirt, but it was too big already, so Iwent to the sink and pulled the flaming shirt over my head and doused it.

                The flames flying past my face and hair frightened a little, but I didn't know waht else to do.

                "Stop, drop and roll," jo(e) said.  That was what Iwas supposed to do, but with the massage table in the middle of the room, there wasn't anywhere to roll anyway and the flameswere out and my shirt was soaked.

                So Iwent back to the reiki.  When I moved on down her body, I also gave extra energyto her chest, because she'd been coughing all morning. 

                It was certainly one of the most exciting reiki treatments I'd ever given.

xxxx

                When Iwalked out of the Phragmites berm trail, both feet at different points, wet into the black soup of mud and swampwater deeper than the top of mysnow mocs.

                I am missing an itemofclothing thatIwnated to wear to Detroit and can't figure out where itis. This is Tuesday and I am leaving Friday and seems silly to obsess about it. On the other hand, I know how busy amand will be and quicklytimeflies and I don't want to be freaking out Fridaymorning when Ineed to take mymother to the docor's office trying to find things I need.  Iwnat to get myducks in a row ahead.

                I'm still out here with the dandelions and garlic mustards and mosquitoes, just slapped one on my breast, ouch!  But I'm already worrying about the next thigs I need to do when I get home.  Put the laundry in the dryer make dinner.  Find the things I need for the trip.  Organize. stuff.

                7:14  PM I somehow walked 50 minutes, oh well.  When Ileft, Erin was at the house tomeet the roofers.  Hope the roofers are gone when I get back.

                7:24 PM no one in my driveway, phew!

                Another thing I have to do is to seeif what'shis name next doorwill mow my lawn while Iam goneand give him money.  I haven't had to do that all winter.

                I'll have to give him a lot of money, too, since I'll probably be gone a MONTH.  That's $600 and I have to hope he'savaoiable. Might be even more if I have to get someone else.

                5:18 PM Wednesday, May 17, 2006, Well, I'm out walking in the rain again.  In less than a month, I'll be married.

                So I walk out two minutes or so and it's raining ahrder and harder, so I go back to the car, put on a jacket and leave all my gear except the camera, which I put in the day pack. Last time, I carred my gear and it rained too hard ti use it.  By the time I gotback to the car, my shoulders realy hurt and I hadn't take a single picture.  So I left the gear to protect my shoulders. 

                Now the rain has dwindled again. And I forgot to turn the watch on so I probably walked 4 or so untimed minutes.

                I did finally go over and give Adam next door $60 to mow the lawn for the month I'll be gone.  I gave him $60 in CASH which means my cash supply is low again.

                5:28 PM 7 minutes into the walk, therain has stopped and I'm all sweaty.  I stop and take off my coat and hat.  Of course, now I could take pictures, but I don't have my gear.

                Lots of choke cherries in flower and the firstdames rockets! pretty pretty!

                no shadows today,no sun!

                Wild strawberriess still abundantly flowering.

                Tulip trees must be in flower or nearly so.  I don't see any yet, but I do see their floral bud scales on the ground.

                I smell a msuky animalsmell,woodchucks, maybe, or deer.

                I amwalking throuh a maple forest and the canopy is already thick, like summer, almmost, but still not dark summer green yet.

                Tulip trees, the tallest hardwoods in eastern north America, used to be used formasts of old taimesailing ships, along with white pine.  But not very shade tolerant.  Here in the maple forests, the leaves and branches that might bear flowers are so high Ican't see them.  No binoculars today, either.

                Now it smells like balsam,because I am coming into the Christmas tree dumping area.

                I see some dames rocks in garlic mustard that lookpretty to me so I take off theback pack,get out thhe camera and take a picture or two.  I no sooner get it put away and back on my back when I see piles of pine cones,so I get it out again.  Since it isn't raining any more and in fact, a thin sun us peeping out, I leave the camera out.  So I'm carrying the camera slung over an empty backpack.

                I seean animal in the woods,running along,but decide it is probably just a calico cat. I hear someweird woodlandnoises, a gurgling drumming sort of sound.  Then I hera it again, but I don't know what it is.

                And again.  Their are flowers in the woods, but Ican't see what they are and can't reach them because I'm on the edge of a cliff, to walk there would takemore time than I have avaialble.  I feel curious and frustrated,and the weird noise keeps recurring too.  I'd like to investigate, but cannot.

                The cliff I cannot descend is the edge of the landfill and full of such a tangle whole trees that it would be dangerous and foolhard to attempt to climb down and the dropoff is maybe 15 or more feet down.

                Now the sun is shinng and there are actual shadows, but it is shining through ahole in thick black clouds, so it probably won't last long.

                I just saw a tent caterpillar at least 2inches long crawling along the ground.  Big fast!  Evening Lichnis or night-flowering catchfly in flower.

                I skirt around the bottom of the landfill and boy am I glad I didn't try and climb over the edge.  I get close enoughto see that the white flowers at white dames rockets at the aedge of the woods and that the drumming, which nowsounds more like drumming, is probably a woodpecker (?), though not a woodpecker drilling for bugs, but some kind of communicative drumming (territorial?)  this is just atheory.  It is not the sameinsistent sound they make when drilling for grubs.  Slower, softer, and short, and with spaces between as if listening.

                Ollie has started turning itself on and taking pictures of the ceiling and the inside of my pcket again today, and Sylvia has started shuttin herself off in themiddle of sentences and idon't notice and keep writing and have to rewrite several time.

                IThere goes Sylvia again!  Aieee!  Iwasosmadat Ollie that Iwnated to drive to thenearestcheap store and buy anew pocket camera.  She takes pictures when she wants to but not when I want her to!

                I need to talk to Keith about fixing the broken Psions.  If he's not going to so it, I'm going to send a couple of them to be repaired.

                6:09 Pm I tried and tried to get Ollie towork totake a vipers bugloss that was in a position that I couldn't get with eeyore, but ollie wouldn't work. She took several pictures of the inside of my pocket, but none of the bugloss.  So then I tried holding eeyre, wishing I could turn on the screen.  There MUST be a way.  Meanwile, I took piles of crappy shots and finally gave up and forgot to turn my watch off so that'll make up for the earlier wlaking where I forgotto turn it on!  Maybe.

                Ifinally took Ollies battery out.  I didn't bring Oly withme, the oldolympus, because Ollie has been working fine.  For quite a while, after a longspell of being bad.

                I am, by the way, at Radisson, did i mention that?  I'm passing the trailer storage area.  I'm not allowing myself to go very far because I have so much to do.  I am missing my annual pilgramdeges to Labroador pond to see the Pinkster in flower and to Morgan hill to see the stemless yellow violet, viola rotundifoliaand to baltimore woods and Highland Forest etc.  Which is all very sad because once i get moved to Detroit Iwon't be going to those places and there's nowhere like that near GPFs!

                WAHN!

                I accidentally zeroed my watch out at 40:44 and have since walked 5:39 so I probably have got my 45minutes.  I can see the car now,I'll be there in a few minutes.

                I'm going to go get gas. Then hopefully top it off tomorrow night.  I'll stll be down, because I have to take my mother to the doctor's beforeleaving for Detroit.

                $29.47 gas.  I'm getting itnow because tomorrow will be VERY busy.  In case I runout of time, I'll have enoughto start out on Friday.

                6:41, home.  Now, I'm going tomakemeatloaf and cookies.  I haven't had any cookies since I came back from Detroit,   I like to have lots ofmunches when I am driving and I wishmy voicerecorder was morerelevant to my needs.

                Wrote 12 invitations tonight. Keith wrote 27.

                -- I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats

Mary