050913 Tuesday, September 13, 2005, 2-something Pm
I am out, as usual, on the first leg of my one+block constitutuional. I just saw the old man, hewas leaving with someone in a van, it looked like a woman, but I wasn't sure. He stopped to speak to me, asked me why he didn't see mye on my motorcyclee. I said I didn't drive it today and he said, oh, OK, I guess that's an excuse. after I said I don.t drive it every day.
I am wearing a dress because I put my shorts in the laundry and then discovered whoever washed last didn't bother washing my shorts and I only have two pairs. So if the ones I put in first get skipped, for some unknown reason (son.t ask me why) and then the others get dirty, I have nONE. I am very unhappy about it because the dress I am wearing ha only tiny pockets and I cannot carry any of the stuff I want to carry--no camera, this compuer won't fit in, my wallet hardly fits, no pens, no pencils. AK. I want to strike out at anyone who may have been involved in this conspiracy to leave me without appropaite clothes and of course I am suspicious of Keith
050916 Friday night, in a light rain,we are headed for Barb's to drop off Grahham and Jay for a weekend visit--and visit with Barb. We had dinner at the village Grill. It is cloudy and getting dark and the highway is full of headlights, tailights and speeding cars. Graham is so excited that he is shouting. He can't remember to keep hi voice down. He is "all geeked up," as Keith would say. I am totally overstuffed. I had liver and onions and Calmari in some kind of salsa which Keith wasn't crazy about, but I liked.
Keith is wearing his blue and white striped polo shhit and has his hair down. I think he looks really handsomewith his hair down and that shirt looks very good on him. He looks appealing and sexy to me and it makes me smile.As I am writing that he looks sexy, he reaches out to touch me. I am smiling to myself in pleasure at juts being here with him. It is funny to be in this hurtling capsule that contains Keith and I being lovey dovey and two screaming kicking kids throwing oyster crackers around.. We hurtle
I keep getting interrupted and losing my train of thought and because the screen is broken, I can't see what I was writing before I got interrupted. I think I was going to contrast the inside of the car with the outside. both phyically, emotionally (and socially0. Outside it is beginning to get dar and the sky is grey and it is cool and cars are hurtling along the highways which at this point is 8-lanes wide. And beyond that, open spaces, a huge fancy church.
Keith says, "I don't care if it rains or freezes, long as I got my plastic . . . " he syops, not wanting, probably, to be too rude.
Jay says, I can't wait to get there. The kids are so excited. Keith says we have ten more minutes to go. He reaches out and pets me, strokes my back. We get off the highway--but onto another one. I was trying to write on the SONY handheld and it was a hopeless cause. What a waste of money. I need more Psions, since this one needs to be repaired. IT is on the verge of dying again, and the other one is DEAD.
The rain seems to have stopped or we drove out of it. The roads are DRY.
I was reading in Opening Up by James W. Pennebaker this afternoon at lunch time that writing ten minutes or more a day prevents writer.s block. So if I write ten minutes a day on the Psion, which I usally do, I should never have writer block, but I may also never have time to write.
I keep discovering stories that I wrote that I had forgotten about and I read
read them and I really like them but the problem is, will anyone else like them. Do I know what makes a good story'?
Oops, Keith just drove past our exit. Now he is mad. He says we'll get lost. Graham keeps talking and joking and it makes me nervous. I was taught as a kid to be absolutely silent when my father was angry. We drive up to the next exit and Keith is still angry--e says we're lost and we can't get back on and I point to where we can get back on. Wedo. I offer Jay to play with the SONY Camera but Graham takes it away from him and the sit back there hollering and taking pictures while Keith is saying, OH wait we have to get on 275 right and I say, I have no idea, I have to depend on you to get us safely there because I have no idea how to get there. He says I don't think you can get on 275 from here, going the right way. I point to a sign that says 275 Flit and 275somehwere else and we turn and there is 6 mile road and we get off. Meanwhile, Jay has laid down and is half asleep and Grah is trying to engage him, but he just moans and says, yeak, Ok, whatever. keith starts whisperstling and reaches out and touches me again. I guess he's not mad any more.
It's 7:25 and we were supposed to be there at 7 and we get to the turn and there is a big sign that says road closed byt we go down there anyway.
Saturday, September 17, 2005, 3:00 PM We are at the Citgo gas station(I think) at the corner of Mack and Moross, filling up the car for a trip up to Stony creek. I think Keith is probably upset and disappointed that we are driving rather than riding the motorcycles, but it is completely overcast and was raining earlier and what I said was, if it starts raining, I will pull under an overpss and wait until it stops even if it takes 4 hours or more. I guess he wasn't willing to live with the chance of having to do that or having me do it--I told him he could go on. I was willing to drive under those conditions. He was willing to take a chance on my being abjectly terrified and driving in the rain, but not standing under a bridge. Oh well. Sorry.
There are a numnber of things I do not like about riding in the rain. Getting wet is the least of those. I can live with getting wet, but when you're driving 75 miles an hour, or even 65, the rain feels like needles, hitting your face--it hurts. But that's not the problem, either.
The first probelm is that motorcycles only have two wheels, they aren't very stable. They can slip more easily than cas. The rain makes the road and the tires more slippery and lifts the oil off the pavement. I don.t feel that I have control of the bike in dry weather. It is too big, too tall, too heavy for me (and my body is also too heavy ad too slow and too painful.) I hate being terrified constantly and I am terrified eough driving the bike in dry weather never mind wet weather. AK.
Besides that, you can't SEE. You Can NOT see when rain is pelting into your face, blurring the goggles etc. You have no windsheild wipers. So your driving a big awkward heavy machine in heavy traffic with cars roaring all around you and you can.t see what you're doing. It just is not my idea of a good time. Sorry.
And thinking that I am disappoiting Keith in order to avoid abject terror and possibly death makes me want to go back to NY where I live alone and can make my own decisions based on my comfort level with making someone else sad.
I have a stomach ache. I feel a little queasy, mildly so. I've had a lot of stomach aches lately, and I never used to have them at all. This fightens me. I am afraid something else is going wrong. It also worries me. It also hurts. and is uncomfortable.
This reminds me that I need to make a list for Fazio, who I am going to see on Tuesday.
***1
3:24 PM It is raining, quite hard, and I am GLAD we aren't on the bikes. I am working on a list for Fazio which I put at the top for easy removal.
3:25 PM it has already stoppe raining, but the pavement is wet and there are puddles everywhere.
3:28 Now we are out of the wet are and the pavement is clean and dry.
3:39 PM It hasn't rained anymore, but the sky is very black. I can't think of anything else I ned to tell Fazio. Now that I have written this list, I need to download it and print it to take to Fazio.
I am wearing the "Strange Matter" T-shirt from the Cranbrook Science Museum whihc is a tie-dye and very bright.
3:40 PM it is raining again, not hard, though.
I'd like to take a picture of myself with this shirt on and send it to some of the folks at the mOST or old MOSTIES.
Keith is wearing hsi hair down and I love it. He looks like Wild Bill Hickock or someone. It is thick and wild and silky.
It rains some more. Off and on, still on trribly hard. Ahead of us are two motorcycles. I am quietly GLAD to be in the car. I wonder if Keith is quietly sorry not to be on a bike.
All the houses around bere are big and expensive and fancy. Someone is building a "lake" (fake water")
Keith thinks that with all the "Yuppie Palaces," Stony Creek, the park we're ging to, will be in dnager. That the land will be too valueable and the rich people will gobble it up and it will disappear. I say, Once it is public land it should stay public land.
3:50 PM we are almost there. I probably will not carry pasadB.
Monday Septmeber 19, 2005, 2:09 PM I am stopped at the ontario service Cente on my way to B'ville from Grosse Pointe Farm. It is over cast and colish, but seems to be warming and brightening. I got a latish start (11:50) because I was attemtping to clean some of the mess.
4:55 PM Yesterdya I walked 46 minutes at Elmwood cemetery with Keith. today I am walking atS Niagara Falls USA--I just crossed the border.The border corssing was quick, only one car ahead of me and that was fast. Same thing at the other border. Satursay I walked an hour and 32 minutes at Stony Creek with Keith. This Psion id turning itself off about every 1/2 second and it is off more than it is on so it is ahrdly worth the effort of writing anything, though now it juts stayed on for that sentence. Yahoo, whoopteedoo!
I am afraid to tunr it off or move it in any way. I am walking down the brick path tward the falls. I mayas well put the Psion away. It has been overcast all day, dull and dark, but now about 1/3 of the sky is partly blue (and partly partly hazy clouds.)
I had to park a block further away than usual. But now I have reached the falls, that is, the rive3er that flows out of the falls. I can hear the announcer for one of the maid of themists boats going on about what people should look at. I can't realy quite maje out the words, but almost.
It took me 15 minutes to walk to te falls, so it it takes 15 to walk back, that only gives me 15 to walk around, not enough, if i want to stick to my 45 minutes.
There us an apple tree beside the falls i don't recall seeing before. It is not crowded, veen though I had to park so far away. Lots of Japanese Tourists, that's about it. They've moved off.
I have taken so many pictures of the falls and been here so often that it is hard to get very excited and the lighting is sort of dull and rab. The people seem more interesting to me than the falls itself, but these days, it is ghard to pint a camera at someone or ones you know. You might get sued or at least yet yelled at.
It's also more fun, in a way, to eb out with Keith, so have someone to share things with, point things out to, someone to see some of the things I miss an to hold hands with me.
The river is wild and invigorating, so mucg flow and power. Kiiking at it under the brdgie where all the see is white water extending back to the horizon still gives me a thrill.
I was thinking about the rape story I wanted to write. I was so discouraged with my first attempts at it. But in the car I was considering it as I drove and I think I could to it again. Better.
Here are some points I want to make in this story:
• Milly is very innocent. Make her younger, emphasize her innocence (for this story, anyway)
• Milli "knows and TRUSTS" the antagonist, XYZ. XYZ needs a name. She should have heard it before on anumber of occasions, and know the name, and he is your cleancut American boy. He is well-tanned and has a crew cut, sandy hair, blue eyes. He is well-built, looks sort of like a movie star who works out. I can't hink of a name for him, wanted to call him Billy, but that was too much like Milli and then Gordy, but that's too much like Keith and then Gary, but no. How about JIM? I think his name is Jim, they call him Jimmy sometimes, and he also has a nickname. I'd say Bud, but I used that name in another story. It'd be a good one. Oh, no, wait, I didn't use it, I think I will. Some of his friends call him "Bud because he drinks Budweiser beer exclusively. And wears Bud products, that is, T-shirts and hats when he's off duty. He's young, too, maybe 25.
• Milli is an honors student --she is just back from doing a year as a foreign exchange student in Sovenia and is going into her senior year in high school. In Slovenia, she traveled around some with her host family, but was just as protected there (romantically/sexyually) as she was by her over protective mother at home. She has red hair and freckles, her eys are almost lavender -colored, and not becauseof contacts.
• Jimmy went to highschool at JD, knows all the teachers. He was a Jock and very popular with the girls in high school. He went to trade school and is working full time as a fireman. This is what he's always wanted to do, and he does it generally with pride. He goes to all the kiddie events and shows off the crime dog, not the firedog, watever his name is.
• What does Milli want? Shelter fromt he rain and a ride home, good grades in high school so she can study to be a marine biologist.
• What does Bud want? A piece of ass with no real concern for the consequences. He's had too much to drink. The fact that Milli is udner age does not occur to him, nor does he think he's raping her. He thinks he's seducng her, which is his right as a man.
• why does Bud win and not Milli? He'solder, male and stronger, he.s used to drinking and is more in control, she's easily affected by drink--not used to drinking. (He spikes her drinks?)
• Antagonits 2 and three: Milli's parents become antagonists because Milli fears telling them what happens She behaves as if she will be severely punished because of how strict her parents have always been with ehr. Because she fears her parents wrath, she decided to hitchike to NYC to stay with someone she'd met in Slovenia. Another exchange student. The story ends with herbeing picked up by a man who pulls off on a side road and forvces himself on Milli. This man is a stranger and older. We don't know his nmae.
• One problem is I need a vehicle to tell the story, or vehicles It seems that it would have to be either Milli herself or an omnicient observer. The reason for this is that some or ost of the action takes place with either Milli alone or Milli with these men. But not the smae men. Since at the end of the story, we don't know what will happen to Milli and the man, it seems as if it has to be an omnicinet person. or perhaps simplu and observor (the autor). Me.
• The other thing about telling the story is to find a behicle to give the hhistory. Herstory. The background. The story needs to be interesting and compelling to the reader. The reader needs to feel honest sympathy for milli, in spite of her bad choices and mistakes.
Well, maybe I am NOT ready to write this. Sigh.
I am carrying three camera, an exra lense etc, but U am not taking any pictures. I just can't for some reason. I think Better Photo is in part doing the smae thing to me about pictures that Vermont College did about poetrry. Nothings Seems good enough. Nothing seems worth expending energy on.
Everything seems spoiled by interference. by bad light, junky background, and too manu previous shots of the same things.
• How did milli feel about the rape? Dirtied and disgusted, afraid, , afraid for her life, afraid she'd be preganant, afraid of her parents. Betryed.
• How did Milli ecome Jimmy's victim? The alcohol, his friendliness, her trust in him, and and in the end, his stength made it hard for her to say no. She did say no, but perhaps not soon enouugh or forcefully enough, because she didn't know she had to. Her back ground with very srrict parnents, especilaly father, may have contributed.
• What is the "Premise" of this storu? Be slecetive with your trust Misplaced trust leads to disaster.
• How has Milli chnaged from the beginning to the end of the story? Illi begins the story being innocent andtrusting and ends the story distrusting hersellf, her parents, MEN, people in unifrms (policemen). Perhaps she has an opportunity to get help from her second rapis but doesn't rust the cop, who looks like Jimmy.
• She needs to have some opportunites to display both her prior trust and her post lack of trust. She should contact with herboyrfirned before and after and spurn him after, have contact with authority beofre and after and her her parents beofre and after, perhaps. And maybe be shown at some point, so somehow, doing some public service or in some other way showing whata "good girl" she was, and how now she is ruined in a vareity of ways. Or, that this is how she perecived herself now.
• While intellectually, I don't think girls and women are "ruined: by rape, emotionally, I fear that in fact, they are, at least in some protracted ways.
• There can perhaps be another story where Milli, now "ruined" and untrusting, learns that there are actually people she can trust. Not this story, though.
• This story may already have been written too many times. Is there any real point in my writing it again?
There are lots of little hard-biting mosqyuitoes here. Ugh. Hope they aren't carrying the Dread Mahocus.
I walked 59.5 minutes. I am back at the car, and it won't star.t. No lights were left on. It is stifling inside. It's turned hot and sweaty and I'm bursting with sweat.
• what about personal repsonsibilty? Is Milli in any way at fault? No and yno and yes, yes and no.. The women's groups want to say no and the men's groups want to say yes. But she was so stupid, inexperienced and trusting she really did NOt know what was going on until it was too late.
5:39 PM The battery is dead on my car. I left the lights on. I had them on because it was darkly cloudy, hazy and a little foggy earlier and then sunny when I got here. I forgot they were on. I was gone about an hour with the headlights on. I called Keith and he said to wait about 14 minutes and then try the car again. So I'm going to do that. BUT I had the HEADLIGHTS on, not just the domelight. I"ll probably have to call AAA.
WAHN! I feel so stupid. Just another reminder about how quickly things can turn bad and how easy it is to make stupid mistakes. Dammit, I feel like a FOOL! I hate it when I do stupid things.
Here:s something I don't get, though. Usually, the car DINGS if you open the door with the lights on,a nd that reminds me and I turn it off. I don'trmemeer hearing it DING! WANH!
I wonder if it would help if I wait MORE than 15 minutes. I consider the idea of going to get something to eat. Or walking back to the falls with the car lightsleft OFF. It's been more than 15 minutes now. I'm afraid to try. I don't want to go away becasue I left some of my cameras and gear in plain sight in the car since I wasn't planning on going anywhere--I'm sitting on a bench nearby as people walk up past me from the falls.
I have to open the car, though, in order to get in.
6:21 I tried it, but it wouldn't start. I waited 15 more minutes, sat on a bench surrounded by yellow jackets, ate my turkey sadwich, my pear, and three prunes. Tried again to start the car. It made a series of rapid clicking sounds but wouldn't start. I tried again. Still wouldn't start. So I called AAA. I got triple A in Ontario, Canada. They switched me over. They said someone would come before 7 and jumpstart me. So I am back on the yellow jacket bench waiting. It is too hot to sit in the car.
I hate myself when I.m stupid. I hate the stupidness, the forgetfulness, the inattentiveness. I'd like to NOT hate myself.
When I called Keith, I spoke briefly with Graham, who said the new piano had arrived. Keith said he'd vacuumed it all out insidel
I like that about him (now if he'd just go on and vaccuum the rest of the house while he's at it. I can't ask that of him, since I haven.t done it myself. I'm not a good partner. I'm not a good wife. I feel as if he might be better off without me.
The liquid crystal in the cracked screen is leaking out covering more and more of the screen, making it harder and harder for me to work. I really need a NEW Psion. This one is barely functional.
The sky is a muddy brownish color.
I talked to the car, I asked it to listen when a nearby car started right up, and to notice the cars driving by. But that didn't help.
I would try doing Reiki on it, but I've already called AAA!
It's 6:30, I've been back from my walk over an hour. It's been an hour since I called Keith.
I could work on my story, but I feel uninspired. I could write a poem. I should do something useful, not just sit here batting away the yellow jackets.
I'm tempted to eat my candy bar--did I say that? I haven't succumbed to temptation yet. I'm not really hungry, but it would taste good and temporarily cheer me.
An ol mistang goes by. Buses and ordinary nondescript cars. Fewer people now, going by. A hispanic family, the gril about graham's age or a little younger, on roller skates, just the girl, not the rest of them. A black man asks for a light, all toothy and grinning.
I'm not very cheery.
The rape is the pivotal part of the story, Milli's story. But in order for the rpae to have meaning and consequence, there must be a before ad after. A negative change. I wonder if Milli should be carrying a small animal, a baby animal that she's attempting to rescue. The animal is injured,s eriously, in the first rape, and killed in the second. The symbolism would be that of her innocence and somepart of her spirit. ut it would have to be believable.
6:37 PM, no sign of the helpers. The yellow jackets are getting more persistent.
Maybe I could call the story, "The Rehabilitator" and Leave the Slovenia part of it out--Im not sure that's necessary. Maybe the reason she seeks shelter is, in part, tokeep the baby animal forom getting wet and chilled. What animal--a squirrel? A bird would be good. But it would have to be too young to fly. The symbolism there would be that Milli's freedom is in some way compromised by this act, as well. And her joy. Her ability to experience joy.
I have to cnsider whether the having been away is important to the story. And whether Jimmy assists int he rescue of some ther animal first.
I am berating myself for taking a lot of time to write ABOUT the story, rather than actually writing the story, but I've tried several times to write it and it hasn't worked so far. Well, Iw rore wrote stories, but I didn't like them.
OK, the rape is pivotal, but where does the story begin? With Milli finding the baby bird? WWhat kind of bird? A rabin? It would not have been her first. Where does she find it? Why is she there alone atnight--or is she carrying it with her? Does she have some worms in a ziplock bag?
6:45 no AAA
IT's getting darkish and harder t see what I am writing, since the font size is tiny and I can't change it the way I used to when the Psion worked right.
Someone, Doug, I think, did not like my using the symbolism of the birds in that stroy I wrote about wegman's dream. He liked only the part actually transcribed from the dream, the dramtic part, but not my resolution of it.
Does that mean it.s not a good story? Is my resoltuion unbelievable? Would the birds here be an unnecesary add on that detracts from the real story? Or would the provide context and meaning. I'm not really sure. The plain unadulterated ha ha story is just that plain and not really very interesting.
6:51 The sun is dropping below the cloudbank and spreading honey ornage all down the sidewalk. It's right over the falls. Still no AA. In 9 minutes, I will have to call Diana back and tell her no one has come. I hope I then won't be asked to wait another 45 minutes.
If there is to be a baby bird, Milli probaby has to find it herlself. Or, since I wnated her to have a boyfriend, I guess he could find it. Simon?
"Milli,, her mother callled over the hum and rattle of the dishwasher, "It's Simon. Milli dashed for the phone, almost ripping it from her mother's hands..
"You got a what?" She hollered into the phone. "A Baby bird? Like Sesame? A robin? Can you put it bakc in the nest? No, the cat got the mother?
6:59 The phone rings. It is AA, they are looking for martha Costello at Niagara St and Rainbow Blvd. That's where I am, but I am not marth
7:02 AAA again, calling to verify my name and number.
This is not a good way to work on a story.
There was no one parked in front of me for over an hour, over and hour and a half, but now, someone just parked in front of me, the are running donw to see the fals at sunset and if they hurry, they might ake it.
Tuesday, 9-20-05 oh no, the blob of liquid crystal has now spread to cover the entire screenand I can only see the edges of a few owrds top and bottom.
List for Dr. Shawn Fazio from Mary Stebbins, Septmeber 17, 2005
• "stomach ache" I have a stomache ache today, or someother discomfort in my abdomen that makes me feel a little queasy, and I have had it several times recently and am not usually prone to stomach aches
• I was sick one day (with a one-day stomach virus or smething). I did not vomit, but the next day, I had a sudden sharp abdominal pain after feeling fine all day and rushed into the bathroom and vomited. Shortly later, I feltfine again. Since that tie, I have had several stomache aches or abdominal queasienesses, but I don't know if they are related.
• water in the ear: I have an uncomfortable feeling of water in my right ear. Last time that happened I had a build-up of ear wax and you told me told me to run water in my ear, hot water from the shower, which I have done every day since then EXCEPT when I go camping. The problem started when I wet camping and was unable t shower for a few days and when I returned home, I've been runnin water in my ears every day. It does seem to be very slowly getting better but it is takinga long time. and hasn't gotten there yet.
• weight, excess fat: I am getting fatter and fatter no matter what I do. If I try to lose weight or don't, it doesn't seem to matter. This is scary and depressing! I walk 45 minutes a day, but that doesn't seem to help.
• fibromylagia: Variable. Sometimes bad, sometimes less bad. Never good.
• Insomnia: I still have trouble sleeping. I get restless and itchy and twitchy. I think I am allergic to something I'm eating, but I don't know what.
• Sleep apnea: I did get my CPAP adjusted and that seemed to help, but the mask gets tangled and pulls off and hisses and blows air in my eyes and keeps me from sleeping well.
• ADD/forgetfulness: Dr. Lal was upset that I hadn't yet seen Dr. Straubsinger as she thinks I may have ADD, but I had trouble getting an appointment. Phone tag etc. I DO have one for an evaluation tomorrow.
• Cholesterol Meds: I never took any. When I went to get them filled, they wouldn't fill tem. I played phone tag with your nurses and with te people at the HMO and still haven't gotten any. Can you test me again? Check my blood, for comparison? See if I reallly still need them? Fend***
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