Dr. Aziz visit walk at Hamlin Psion Dump

Questions for Fazio

• eye doctor

• bood pressure?

• pictures of tumor?

060403 Dr Aziz

Monday, April 3, 2006, 8:42 AM it's raining. I'm in the parkinglot of North Medical about to go in to see Dr. Aziz and learn about my brain tumor.

8:51 PM I missed two elevators trying to find Aziz'sname. I thought they said suite 300,but there was no suite 300, and then Iwas afraid I'd cometo the wrong place. But no, I finally found it.

9:33 AM I was supposed to come at 8:45 to fill out papers, but I wasignored til 9. My appointment was supposed to be at 915, but it is 9:34. Theman next tome is actually sitting there twiddling his thmbs. People who cae in afterme are going in. I hope they are seeing a different doctor.

I had been thinking of visitingmy mother,but I have an appointment with Ami Milton in the city tomorrow and I think I'll go then.

9:48 AM They've finally brought me into the examining room. The receptionist (nurse?) is ver friendly and nice even though I complained to her about their asking me to come in at 8:45 if they weren't going to do anything. (I had other things I could have done with that time besides read about google in Time magazine.

Last night, I wanted to be in bed by 10:45 but didn't get to bed until 11:30. That probably would still have been okay if I could have slept, but I lay awake for hours andhours. I'd feel myself relaxing and starting to sleep and I'd wake back up over and over The last time I looked at the clock it was 4:30 AM and I felt wide awake. After that,I still tossed around.

10:06 AM The doctor came in and asked me a lot of questions, then left saying to take off my shoes and socks and he'd be back in a fewminutes. I wish I could use the restroom. And I am thirsty. I should have brought in my water bottle.

Dr.. Aziz says he does not have the films, the pictures of the tumor. I was hoping to see them.

10:19 AM He returned and gave me some of the same physical tests as I've had a number of times lately. And some other ones. Close eyes, touch finger to nose, first right, then left. Close eyes, draw numbers on hands. Walk on toes, walk onheels, walk in a straight line one foot in front of the other. Press up on my hands, down on my hands, resist pressure, put your chin on my hand (on my shoulder). He looked in my eyes. Etc etc.

He's gone away but he's coming back. To talk to me.

He gota beeper beep while he was with me so he may have gone awayto make a phone call.

He has not yetmentioned the word tumoror toldmeanything at all and I haven'tasked yet because I wanted to wait until he talked tomeand said what he was going to say before Iasked my questions.

I had to writeout the questions by hand even though I'd typed theminto the Psion and trasferred them to Toby and organized them, since I have no printer.

I think I ahve a printer cablethatalows me to print directly fromthe Psion to an older printer, but Ido't have anyprinters left in B'ville and Idon't know where thatcableis, if in fact, I still have it or ever had it. I did have and do have several cables tolink the Psion to a computer (but not Toby) and print through the computer, so thatmay be what Iam thinking of.

I should assemble a medical history folder with all my pertinent info, because I never can remember tat stuff when doctors ask me. When I had my last MRI for example. I was reading about normalage-related memory loss verses mild impairment,moderate impairment and severe impairment on a display in the examining room. My mother has reached the severe impairment stage. The chart hasn't gotthat much written on it, but one thing it does say is that aluminum can worsedementia or Alsheimers.

OK, so here's the deal, the tumor is a meningioma,in the lining of the brain in the back on the right. it is 1.3 cm, a slow growing,nonmalignant tumor that did not cause the dizzines which he says was probablycaused by a problem in the inner ear and may not recur. He says they need to watch the tumor, but at this time it is not causing any porblems and is unlikely to in the near future.

Dr. Aziz said my blood pressure was high and wanted to know if I was taking any meds. And he said I should see an eye doctor about my double vision.

Talk to Fazio:

• eye doctor

• blood pressure

• films (pictures) of tumor

11:10AM I am at Hamlin Marsh,at the Clay Central parkentrance. 11:11 I wish that keith and I can live long, healthy happy and loving together. I wish my health issues would subside into radiant good health.

I didn't really want to cometo Hamlin,it's notmy favorite place. But it's way better than walking in the neighborhood. It's stopped raining. The sun is peeking out. But it is very wet. There is a special on autism on NPR. I'm interested because of the book we are reaidng right now.

To make someone like you, you read the cues of other people, locate shared interests, listen and react appropriately. Autistic people don't know how to do this. One person suggests an inborn tendency exacerbated by environmental factors. I'd love to listen to the program, but I have to make choices andI think the thing I need to do now is walk. I'm here, and it's notraining and I have other things to attend to.

Vandena Shiva and the shorebirds touching wings before they die is the before walk Patrick Lalwer poem that I read.

It's supposed to be warm today, in the sixties, but it is not warm yet, it's cold and windy. It's supposed to snow tonight and tomorrow.

I am grateful. I am grateful that the brain tumor is small and nonmalignat. I'd rather have it be gone entirely. The doctor says they are slowgrowing, or they may not grow at all. U am grateful it's slow growing. It's in thelining of the brain, a meningioma, and if I have to have a tumor at all, that's a good one to have because it's more accessible. Easier to remove if it does get bigger. I'm glad the news isn't just bad bad bad. Condidering that I have a brain tumor, which sounds very scary, it is pretty good news. I'm grateful for all that.

I wish I had no tumor, that would be even better.

I''m grateful, but I'mnot "happy". I'm kind of depressed. I'm headachey and depressed andvery tried. I had two extemely bad nights and it's hard to be cheery when I'm depressed I mean it's hard to be cheery when Im so so very tired.

I'm alsi hungry. I often don't even eat breakfast by now, and I've had breakfast (hours ago)and am already "hungry". I think it may be a hunger borne of worry and relief and tiredness and frustration etc.

The doctor seemed nice.

Sigh.

I wish I could SLEEP!

The trail I was following on the far east of Clay Central seems to have just petered out and I don't eel like bushwhacking, I'm just too tired. I head back the other way.

I want to go back to the house after U walk and do some packing and cleaning. When I'm this tired, it's really hard. Hard mentally,emotionally and physically.

I wonder if beef could be contributing to insomnia. Or what causes it.

I take a different trail and cross that series of helter skelter boardwalks I photographed two visits ago. It'swarmerin the bushwhack that it was in the open. Warmer and less windy. I may have to start unzipping.

11:40 AM Someone has madelittle "rooms" in the bushwhack and smehave rocks for seats. When I o in one and try to stopmy watch,I discover I never started it, and I've been out a while! Dang!

I'm tired. I'm grateful for the sunshine (especiay after all the rain this morning) and for the birdsong.

I have NO idea how long I've been walking. I'm going to arbitrily assign myself ten minutes for the previous walking. No idea if it's right. But I'll try to walk35 more minutes. Wahn!

I find what looks like an easter egg, a plastic easter egg. It has a number on itin bacmagicmarker, a big number, and nothing isnide so I put it back where I got it.

I was tempted by a candy jar at the doctor's office and refrained.

very tempted.

but I didn't. Iwentso far as to pick one up, but I put it back (it was wrapped.)

Another cloud has made it cooler. Musical bird song, red wings, jays and others.

The mosses are very lush and green after the rain.

I need to get some backup batteries for the Psion.

I wish I could remember to do that.

I made two rightturns and am going sortof back the way I came. Toward the trail I was on that ended. My car was the only car in the parking lot. No, wait, therewas one way up in the upper lot, one I think I've seen there before..

I was trying to explore the farthest eastern rwaches of these trails, I've truned right again to a boardwalk throgh a marshy area. I don't think I'be been here before butmabe I have. In general, I haven't spent enough time here to know my wya around like I do at 3R. Here in general. I smell skunkand there is skunk cabbage. Idecide I have been here before

Ilay on my belly for a couple skunk cabbage shots but don't expect them to be very good.

I cometo a place where the trail spits and onetrail goes back and the other toward some houses in the distance. Last time I was here,I think I stopped and went back, but to so some eliminates a full knowledge ofthe area, so I go on through mud that sucks at my feet and threatens to pull of my shoes and sure enough, there's another split in the trail, two ways to go, one toward the houses and one into the swamp. I go tward the houses first, thinkinging that if I go nearlyto the houses, I will see any other possible side trailsand have an idea of the scope of the trail system, since there are no maps, apparently. In any case,I have none. I'd like google it on google eartj and see if you (I) can see the trails. Some of them sould be visible, but this oneI'm on now,maybe not. It'snarrowerthan the others, but it does not go to the houses, as I suspected it would (an accesspoint for people there towalk there dogs etc), but turns and skirts below one yard and through a wetland and up a hill. This increases the total availavle walking space!

The trail descends nto a phragmitesmasrsh andupa hillto another Hamlin GMA parking lot at a sugarbush at a turn right angle turn in a road. There are housing developments. I have noidea where I am exceptmaybe to the south and east of Clay Central. The parking areas are not marked on the maps, any of them (I mean the syracuse oronondaga county maps. and I seeno street signs.

Google earth,maybe.

OK, here a map. (above). the road is headed approximately north Ithink,andthen turns west. The parking lot is on the east. The sugarbush is north and east or the parkinglot.

I dig around inmycoat pockets looking for a compass but don't find one. Wish I had a GPS. Take off my coat and tie it around my waist. I feelmorecheerful. I like exploring. And the sun is shining.

This is a real trail, because there were (are) boardwalks of the same style as the others.

There's a trail headed east at right angles to the one I came in on that runs behind a huge McMansion style house and I take it..

The trailruns through a marsh with fragmites and cattails. The McMansionn has aHUGE high cyclone fencearound it so criminals and terroristslikeme can't get in. The trail is very wet and runs down to a largemarsh with open water and geese.

Peeperstoo. Duckweed. Ducks take off, and the geese stand tall andmake alarm noises. The settle back. I hear woodfrogs now, too.

There'san odd thing in the water that looks like an old, rusted spaceship! I wonder what it is.

I take a picture of it. Not for art, but for silliness and curiosity.

This trail deadends here at the water, but 30 feet back, another trails heads north. I take it, but I ought to trun back soon if this tril doesn'tlinl back to theone Icame on. It seems to diverge intomini trails and Peter out,so Iamofficially turning back toward the car now.

The Tuesday Self=portriat group's theme for April is fool (Hewho calls his brother a foolshall forver burn in hell"). I don'twantto be afool, exactly, but I don'tmind being a little silly and foolish. Bust it is hard to be silly and gay and foolish and dream up cretaive foolideas when I'm so tired. The Lacrima Thursday photo challenge for this week is Pattern. I likepattern, but I like thembest whent hey have a meaningful echo (likemoss with a small leaf or flower). There's lots of moss here, but so far none tat seems worthwhile. Of course, I'm watching forther patterns too. I have one of a bench in Suracuse and other of another bench, both of which I like, but I'dprefer to dind something Ilike BETTER.

Therethose ladybug shots atmetrobeach.

A adybug on tressbark might be good.

A hawk fliesover, a red tail, peee-ooo it says, soaring, circling,allowing itself tobe blown sideways byy the wind,and then tipping into it again.

I walk through a wet place with sucky mud (literally) and slip in it and aminstantly grateful that I'm able to regain my footing ratherthan plop into all that mud and water with all my gear.

I unzipmy sweatshirt and takemy hat off and stuff it inside. It is definitelyw arming up, rapidly.

Back past the skunk cabbage. Thereis lots of what might be coyote scatalong the trails here.

My watch says I've walked 35 minutes, so if I actually walked ten before, I'vealready done 45and the restis a bonus. I've a ways to go back and am not really sure of the way. Because I'msotired, I'd just as soon NOT her lost.

The thing that brought up that fool theme inmymind was the faux spacship in the cattails. I wanted to set up my tripod,wadeout and sit on it for a fool picture. I should getmyself sitting somewhereelse in anappropriate posture and Phtoshop myself into the pictureI took.

LOL. I'm notsure why I find such foolishness entertaining. :-)

I could colormy skin green andgivemyselflittle horns or something. Probably no one other than mewould be amused.

But I have more important things to do with my time,LOL! Serious things,argh.

That bold was an accident. I was trying to hit shiftB to capitalize the B and hit ctl b instead.

It's still very windy in the open, without the protection of the bushwhack. But the ind is somewhat warmer. Even withthe sun under acloud,it feels springy rather than wintry.

12:53 PM, my watch says 47minutes,but of course,Iwalkedmore than that. At least I walked the minimum. YAY! When I got here,a woman with a small child was leaving. Thereis one car in the way upper lot. Otherwise, I'malone.

I like this area much betternow that I know how bag it is. I haven't explored every trail yet, but I have a feeling for the size and scope of it. There is little to photogrpah, but definitley walkable and reasonably pleasant.

For my after the walk Patrick lawlerpoem, I read the samepoem. I feel significantly better now,not great, but better.. How come when I walk in the woods, I almost always feel better and when I walk in the city, I almost always feel worse?

When I walk in the woods,Idon'twant to leave,and when I walk in the city, I can't wait to get home. Keith says he likes to walk in the city. I wonder what he likes about it. To me, it's boring, though I must say this place is not exactly exciting. Still, the space and solitude and the plants and birds heal me somehow

I think the Sugarbush Parking Lot is off Old Wetzel Road.

Google earth.

1:17 I stop at Wegman's. As usual, I have no list. I know I need mushrooms. Batteries for the Psion,and some other stuff. Zucchinis,yellow squash. Maybe another Napa, I can take the unusued portion to Detroit.

It's very windy and the wind pushes cats around the parking lot. Gulls call. I read my before shopping at Wegma's Pat lawler poemabout Mengele and the dwarfs.

Very depressing.

My feet and pants are very muddy.

2:13 I amstanding in line at the checkout at Wegman's, a long line with a lot of stuff. I got one piece of salmon and one pieceoflamb and meat and fooffor the trip, stuff tomake cookies,a pear for the trip.

Mushrooms,zucchini,yellow squash. I hope I have everything Ineed so I don't have to shop again before I leave..

Oh,man,ICAN'T BELIEVE I did all that shopping and forgot batteries but I haverawmeat and fish and I can't go back to the store. WAHN!!

Dr. Aziz asked if I had a headache and I said no, but I've had one ever since I left there, at the back ofmy head and it seems to be getting worse. The back of my head is where the tumor is, but this seems to be a fibromyalgia headache from tense ligments and muscles back there. I really feel unwell, but I think it is from two sleepless nights back to back.

I've had almost no neck pain almost te etire time I've been in NY,but right now, my neck is reallly bad. Is the missing piece sleep,or lack thereof? Or what? What causes the pain and what makes it goaway? I don't really know, I wish I did!

It's hot in the carand warm outside, but COLD inside the house. I need to turn the solar on and warm it up at least some.

If insomnia causes the neck pain,what causes the insomnia?

-- I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats

060402 Drowned Owl Trail--Psion Dump

•           Yesterday's journal: doctor list and grattitude list etc.

•           look up the brain tumor story on NPR?

•           back up photos and poems on Toby!

•           look up Egaz Moniz

•           look up The Book Thief,  by Michael ?

The Drowned Owl Trail

Sunday, March 2, 2006, 1:53 PM oops, no,it's 2:53 daylight savings.  Urgh!  I'm at the head of the Drowned owl trail in my car getting readyto walk.  It's a beautiful sunny day full of peeper din and crow calls.  I'm feeling very sad because I wish to be walking somewhere else like Morgan Hill maybe, I don't know.  I was to be somewhere prettier andmore photogenic.  But I have so much work to do that I feel as if I can't spare the timeto drive somewhere farther.  So it's 3R which is at least better than the neighborhood.  Is it delightful today, what a joy to simply have sunshine and peeper after snow and cold and clouds.

                Even three Rivers,which yesterday was deserted, is full of people.  I chose the drowned owl trail because no one was here.  A woman drivinga  huge SUV just arrived and looked longing at the area but turned around andleft.  Iwouldn'thave minded if sheparked on the other side andwalked away with the dog  I dislike it when people arrive where I am "camped" and hang out.

                I was listening to Selected Shorts but I turned it off because a mean story came on.  The rest of it was pretty good.  I generally feel more creative verbally when I listen to music or silence than NPR talk radio,but I like the talk radio because it's the only way I know what's going on in the world.  Plus I generally like selected shorts in particular, for the creative writerly aspect..

                I have a picture due, three pictures, actually, tomorrow.  The SEASON/SPRING theme pictures for PHOTIQUES are due tomorrow. 3 of them.  The outakes are due today and Tuesday.

                All these photograoups are too much to keep track of.  My lifeis already too complicated.

                And I have other things to deal with!

                I have not turned TOBY on at all today, and this is the first time Sylvia's been on.  Sylvia is the Psion the broke into pieces and I wish Keith would look at her and see if he can help her, she's still not feeling up to par..

                I was up until after 5 AM last night (but that includes the time change).  Couldn't sleep.  I mean up,not even inbed.  No dozing,nothing.

                No working, either.  Iwas reallly tired.  I generally domy best workafter a goodnight's sleep.  The tireder I get,the harderthe work is.  I cant think what do do with things  It's likemy brain goes to sleep but my body is stll awake..

                I read my before walking Patrick Lawler poem. I reread the one about eviscerating the brain.  It resonates for me.   don't like the idea of a tumor growing in y brain.  I am glad it is small and nonmlignant, but it might still be able to kill me or render me avegetable.  I don'twant it there.

                Then I read about Donald Trump and the mall.  It remindsmeof that series I'v been working on.

                Season.  This is not a prettu placein a photogenic sense. If Iwanted to be serious about taking season pictures, I need to think about and go out looking.  But I really should not.  Takes time.

                I look at day lilies and mossy rocks and logs.  The lighting's bad,there'scontrasty shadows.  I supose I cold use fll flash. 

                A man and his son arrive while I'm contemplating pictures and go down the trail I'd intened to take.  Dang.  The boy looks to be about 7 or 8.  They are in training for a backpacking trip.

                I find a pair of woman's underwear and a ripped blouse.  The other day,I found a bra.  These things disturb me.

                I loook at a various possiblephotos and take none.

                Poking around looking for signsof spring, I find a deerskulland then someribs.  Signs of spring.  The hunterkilled and winter killed der always show up in spring.  I carry the skull back to the car.  I don't need it for teaching, but Ican't resist it.

                I'mnot looking for DOCUMENTATION of signs of spring, this is not a phenolgy project. I'm looking for soemthing worthy of being called art. 

                Oh, no,here's a lacy red and black garter belt.  And a bra.  Not the same one.  Reminds me of that awful story we're reading.

                What I should have doneis gone to silk creek today.  Well maybe.Except it does take so long.

                I find wonderful clusters ofpuffballs, but thelight isn't good.  They're puffy puffballs.  Left from last year.

                At the edge of the swamp in a din of peeper son, i look forpeeper anddon't see nay.  The woodfrobs and respendant in their songas well,if the little motor sounds could be calledresplendant.

                I know they're here!

                3:52  I take a few pictures, one of avernal wetland with moss, one closeup of tree moss (or two0 but i don't hold out a lot of hope for them.  I may have lost the trail wandering off it to take pix.  Woodpecker drumming.  Not that it really matters.

                I wonder about the 2-hour-long dizzy spell I had and if it is related to the tumor, and in either case, if itmight recur.  I'mfeeling tired frombeing up til 5 AM, but other wise, no fibro pain to speak or and no neck pain or arm pain or arthritis.

                I have twice had a weird pain in my abdomen,mid left.  Painful pain.  Sharp.  Not sinceI've been out here,but driving over..  It was gone when I got here.  My concern about the dizzy spell is if it should recu when I'm out in the swamp.  I couldn't even walk at home.

                I've definitely lost the trail.  One advantage of that is that I am unlikely to run intothat man and his boy or anyoneelse for that matter. One disadvantage is that it's very difficult to write while bushwhacking as I need my attention all the time. I'm trying to do it and keep getting poked in the shins with sharp ticks etc.

                If I carried my backpack, I couldhave brought my Pat Lawler book and had a before the walk during the walk and after thewalk poem.

                I've seen little to photograph.  A aprk would be a more lucrative (hopeful?) venue for looking for nice sprng shots than this magled logged over swapy woods.  It's not very photogenic.

                Pleasant to be in.  Themosquitoes hanginga round don't seem to be biting yet, and I haven't seen any black flies.

                IIt's 4:00 and I've had no lunch.  Of course, I did have a somewhat latebreakfast, but now I'm getting hungry.

                It's sopleasing to hear the frogs.  I know I keepsaying that, but after winter, snow cold,it'snice to have sunshine and frogsong.

               

                4:13  I've arrived at drowned owl ditch.  I think the loggers SHOT the owland through it in the ditch.  There'san old damhereand creek at height burst around the side of the dam,rendering it useless and it wasnever repaired.  There's not even a hint of a trail here any more.

                I consider a photo, but why?

                I'm not an archeologist andit's nogreat artistic shot, but I take one anyway.

                Another project I need to do is make back-ups of my photos.  Aieee, when?

                Thereare somelovely shelf fugi, but bad light, half in and out of shadow.

                I'm tempted to cross Drowned Owl Ditch, but I don'tknowif farther down I cna get back across

                I'm on a deertrail on Owl Skull Berm. I wanted that skull, but it was too fresh when I found it (or too unfresh!) and when I came back for it, it was covered with leaves and I couldn't find it.  It's pointless to look for it now.

                I started a story about John Bart once, the ornithologist who walked roadwats and under radio twers pickking up dead birds and studying them  He was having an affair with Kari, the mamologist studying skulls.  She was walkingthe roadways looking looking for skulls and bones.  They had an affair.  Helived on a shelf in a closet.  He alpologized for having sex with her.

                I'vecometo a big blowdown and ave to fight through it orcoss on one side or the other, water on both sides.  I guess I should have crossed back there.

                the fallen trees are totally covered in poinson ivy which waking up and getting very dangerous (forme,anyway). 

                Ironically, I feel better than I've flt in a lONG time (other than tired.)  I was tired and depressed and heavy sitting in the car, but I feel much MUCH better out here.  That always happens,and how will it happen in Detroit???

                4:34 MY cell phone beeped once to say that I'd missed a call (itnever RANG, though).  I didn't recognize the number but tried calling it back incase it was Keith calling from Gail's but I got the message that the call couldn't be completed as dials.

                What I did was climb down into the ditch and pick up a temporary walking stack and walk along the slopingmuddy bank UNDER the fallen trees and back up again--good thing I didn't have a dizzy spell then!

                I've only had the one, but it was horrendous and scary.

                There's nothing saying I have a phonemessage, so, not knowing what else to do, I continue on.

                I left the berm becaus eit was nearly impssable with repeated blowdowns and haaded out looking for the trail.  But it's easy to get turned around in the woods even if the sun is out.  First, I come to a huge swamp, all open water.    A variety of other detours, like multifloral rose, and I find myself headed deeeper into the woods.  I know this and keep trying to correct for it, but keep running onto obstacles.  Finally, I find a section of old trail which I think I recognize, not from this trip, but fromlong ago.  I followit and sureenough,it does lead back to the trail I came in on and I'mrelieved, really.  The odd thing is, how did I know that once little section of trail was what O though it was?  The woods and trails out here all looksomuch alike.  No reallandmoarks.  And I do not think I've been on that trail for yeras.

                It smells ofskunk  It did when I started too,but Idon'tthink Imentioned it.  Somepoorskunk awaking from hibernation probably got hit by a car. 

                I come to the bra hanging in the trees, and there isthelay ribboned black and red garter hung in the multifloral rose with its ribbins danging.  I'm going to have to walk PAST my car because after all that, It's not 45 minutes yet! (43, though)  Bushwhacking isharder workthan regular walking and also makes it harder to calculate time precisely.  I decide to walk down to the lmap post, the border between Narnia (Imean 3R) and Radisson and lookat the swamp there.  Tere are kids on the berm but they suddenly disappear.  They're probably afraid of me.

                I'm looking for

•           good seasonshots for Photique (due tomorrow!)

•           blurredmotion possibilitiesfor Shooting Gallery (due April 17)

                I 'vealready gotmy Photo 101 beforeand after shot done and posted to BP, but not added to the gallery, it has to be added on the 5th.

                I wonder where those kids went?  Hiding in that car?

                The swamp trail here is totallyflooded, as I assumed it would be, impassable.

                I scare a muskrat!!  He dashes through the swamp (swimming) away.

                The peepers here are so loud, so very LOUD that it is literally hurtingmy ears.

                When I stopped at the swamp where the muskrat was, I forgot to stop my watch.  But since I've already walked 45 minutes now,I guess it doesn't matter.

                Rge aspen catkins areall distended and handing andthere'sa mist in the aspend, but though it is pretty to the eye, it's not an appealing photo.

                Robins flit through the trees.

                No one is around any more.  The place is uterly deserted. It was so crowded earlier.  It's 5:05 and maybe they've gone home to make dinner.  Timeforme to head home too.

                Someone has left seedhereand asmall flock of chicdees aregorging themselves on it.

                When I get in the car, I see the note from Keith that says heloves me and it makes me smile.

                For my after walk patrick Lawlerpoem, I read thesame twopoem again.  I read themaloud tomyself with thecar door open.  A fat bearded man with red mustang pulls in, stares at meandleaves.  Iwantto tell himhe can have this campsite because I'mabout to leave, but he's gone.

                I think the Egaz Monizpoem is about lobotomies, icepicks through eyeball and all (eye socket), but I don't know the name.  I often don't know the names.  I want to look them up, but the book is in the car nad when I'm online,I forget.

                A white dogs shows up without a person and sniffs aroundmy car.  Someonerides by on a bike.  The dog leaves wihout saying hello and i feel slightly hurt.  I would notfel that way if a personwent by without saying hello.  I'm used tothat.  But dogs usually greet you.  Another dog runs by, black.  The first one was white.  OK, I'd better go.

                The Book Theif, Michael ? on NPR, very interesting, but it may be a difficult book.

                I'm homeand I'mhungry.  It's 5:36 PM and I haven't had lunch.  I think I could go in an eat, but before i do, Ineed to take a lookaround for spring because --well-- Iwas going to say it'll be dark soon, but of course,daylight savings, there's anextra hour ofdaylight!  I look overmy shoulder at the sun and sureenough,it's still pretty high.

                I was going to do a self-portrait with the skull when I got back tothecar at 3R but I forgot.  It's not as appealing to do it here,I'drather do it there where I found it.  Robin singing for rain.

                I readmy arriving home from walking poem about Micky Mantle and Hiroshima.

                It's been warm all day but it's cooling off rapidly.  I see some thin clouds have moved over the sun.  A mosquito flies around inside the car.  A mourning dovecoos and coos.

                Since it was clearly getting darker, due to clouds moving in, I changed lenses and took some more pictures of daffodils.

 

--
I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats
Mary

Periwinkle brain tumor Psion dump 060401

Monday 8:45 AM Dr. Aziz, North Medical

October 2, 7:45 AM MRI 4520 West Taft

 

Thursday, March 30, 2006, 4:27 PM

                I'mat Three River GMA.  I am surrounded by peeper sound.  Some rednecks with dogs just drove up and parkedby me and got ouffing cigarettes and headed out where Iwantto walk.  Luckily, I'd already decided tot ake the Periwinkle berm trail and they're taking the Bunker trail  However, the trails intersect out in fox hunt meadow.

                I just found out about an hour or two ago that I have a small nonmalignat brain tumor.  Or that was what Iwas told from the results of the MRI.

                Needless to say Im not happy about it.

                I read my before-walking Patrick Lawlerpoem  It is Markdancing and the radio of the brain.  During the hour I found out about my brain tumor, there was an NPR special on the Terry Scribo case.  Her husband,doctor,layers, authors.  They talked about living wills.  Imade one, but who knows where itis.

                Erin says, did they tell you that on the phone. She says you're not supposed to email people about that.  They told meon the phone.  I emailed people.  I called keith. I don't know anything yet.  But Iwanted to give people a heads up.

                If they toldmethe truth,and who knows if the did, then I don't have t worry toomuch immediately

                I may not die and I maynotlosemymind andmemory.  ButI'd better makeplans and arrnagemnts in case.  Another guy in a truck with a dog pulls up.

                I need to go walk.  I'mrelaxing in the sun.  It's warm and peeperish.

                It's odd that I have a tumor inmy brianon theright side like my mother. Maybe Ishould check and see if I also have an encapsulated thymoma.  I think ofmy mother right beofre herthymoma operation.  She lay in bed in pain and terror and said inthemornig that itmade her wonder about people who supposedly die peacefully in their sleep.  "If I had died,"she said, "you might have thought I died peacefully in my sleep."  Then again, if in the midst of that pain she died or did not die, the pain and terror are there just the same.

                I'm not in pain and i feel fairly relaxed, but nervous, a little, inside.

                A woodfrog rumbles. The peeper din has died down.

                I have my camera Eeyore with the 75-300 zoomand Ollie.  I accidentallyleft everythinge lse home.  DUH!

                Wow!  The periwinkle Berm trail isMUCH more well-used than ut used to be!  it's very clear, easy to walk on comparitively.  There are sometrees down, but why anyone would take the bunker trail when the periwinkle berm trail is so much nicer is beyond me.  That's OK though, more privacy for me!

                I'm hiking in a T-shit!  I'm not even carrying my nice green sweatshit that I brought with me,hope I don't regret that!

                OK,my living will:

•           don't keep me alive if I'm a vegetable.

•           don'tpull the plug if there's reasonable chance of recovery to a lucid state.  Do pull the plug if the odds are against real recovery

•           unless i tell you otherwise at the time, give me morphine if I'm suffering terribly, even if it shortens my life.  I'm not a big fan of terrible pain

•           if I'm in the hospital or nursing home etc, make sure they know I'mallergic to dairy and soy.  I don't need fibromylagia contributing to my pain.  Bad fibro makes me uncomfortable even in bed.

•           don't feel obligated to visit me all the time, but don't abandonme either, if possible, even if I'm notlucid.  Talk to me,tell mestories,read to me, sing to me.

•           If you are there when I am dying, hold myhand or touch me.  Tell me stories about my life and yours.  sing.  Play cheerful music,like Mozart piano sonatas.  Do NOT play slow morunful violin music. 

•           After Idie, have a big party (an old Irish wake)  Have fun and remember the good times.  Then go on with your life.

•                   Don't leave things the way I left them, keep growing and changing.  Keep loving.  But don't forget me, either.

                I've reached the end of the periwinkle Berm trail and it joins with the fox Meadow road.  Fox Hunt Meadow Road, that is, thatruns between Fox Hunt Meadow and the Bunker trail.  Swamps on both sides.  The din of peepers and wood frogs rises and falls.

                The first think I wnated to do when I heard the bad news iis eat something bad.  But I guess it is more important that ever to eat healthy foods. 

                My hips are worse than they have been in a while.  I wonder if my fear which I'm not aware of feeling too badly is coming to rest in my hips and being expressed there.  Or if it's the candy I ate after the MRI the other day. 

                I amalmost out to Fox Hunt Meadow.  The mourning doves are cooing.  The secondman with his one dog is out on the traila head of me.  I don't knowwhere the cigarette smokingr edneck couple with 5 dogs went.

                DidImention that some small kids on bies rode by when I was still on Potter road and I thought of trying to make blurred image photos of them but I didn't want to worry their parnets, so Ididn't.

                There's still snow here.

                Patches of it on the north sides of the hedgerows.  In spite of the T-shirt warmth.

                What are the questions you'll need answers to if I get very sick  The living willquestions?  I know Imade out aliving will,butI don't know where it is.

                Or what it said.

                I hope to be fine,and I don't want to be morbid.  But I do wnat to cover all abes possible.  I'd like to live a very long happy healthy productive life.

                I've walked 23minutes, and I should go back.  I used to come out here on a day off and wander for hours, takemynotebook, sitand write,explore,discover, look at plants, take pictures.

                Rightnear hereis where I got shot at once, bullets whsitling around me,and leaves tearing fromthe treeabovemy head.  Crows caw and complain.  Even though I peedbefore Ileft,I despeately have to goand sneak into a small clump of bushes

Madame Curie and Terry Scribo Meets Dr. Death

They told me today I have a brain tunor, small

they said, and not malignant.  In my dream of Terry Scribo,

A redneck walks through her hair with his rifle and hunting dogs.

A small brown bird flutters in the small brown grass.  Its heart

falls out in iny hand.  But no, it's the telphone

spewing words.  Brain tumor.  The bird lifts

from the grass brain tumor and flying low, disappears

back into the grass.  An ocean of grass.  One little brown bird.

The hunter shoots anything the moves and his dogs retrieve it.

I search the swamp and hemlocks for a place to sit.

No one asked me if I was sitting whenthey said, tumor.

Once, Dante called to read me a poem. 

In my dream of Terry Schribo, the sun hangs ornage

in the cage of her ribs and sings like -- (poet)

I was on my way out the door.  Are you sitting down?

Dante asked.  I sat.  I sat for seven hours, his words echoing

in my head. I am Beatrice he said. I am Narcissus and you my water, my mirror.

I am Dante, he said, and you are the seven layers of hell.

A woodpecker hammers a tree, drums

and drums. But no one asked me if I was sitting,

They said, brain tumor. 

In my dream of Terry Shribo, bees have made

honeycomb in her brain.

Peepers sing, loud in the swamp around me.  And that hammering

woodpecker.  And the honey seeped out on her tongue

the sun sinks hazy in the hemlocks.  I'm thinking about morphine,

about making a will.  About surgery and radiation.

The woods darken around me, the geese fly over.

In my dream of Terry Scribo, her eyes flicker and open.

In those blank pools, she sees the sun sizzling down

into the ocean

a geyser of steam erupting in the newborn darkness.

Around me, trees are dreaming themselves a forest. 

There's a hole in their dream where I sit.

Mary Stebbins 060330a

---

I'mthinking about Frog Haven and all the work I didon it that got lost on Dead.

                I'm thinking about how i wantedto make each of the characters more human, more fully rounded, and give them each a share in the novel.  Marc and Sissy lie on their backs looking up atthe sky and ask, what's beyond the star.  etc.  Every single cahracter that ismentioned should be humanized in some way so as not to be cardboard cutouts.

                The sad and upsetting thing is that in somecases, I can't think of a real and approapriate way to humanize them.  I'membarassed and asamed to admit this.  If I try getting inside their skins, I can't see out.  it's hard to fathom why somepeople dowhat theydo, but I need to do that.

                I'mback out on Potter Road.The sun ismostly gone, but I find a spot of itand sit on a rock.  The rock is cold and the sun has been draine do its warmth.  It is thecolor of tea with ornages.  two, then three mosquitos hover aroundme.  A robin sings loudly for rain and the little stream besidemegurles loudly too.

                Some crucifer seed head is missing its seeds and the long thin oo are translucentand full of sun.  5 mosquitoes are hovering around my arms and I'm not eager for my first mosquito bite so I get up  They follow me back toward the car.

                I'm thinking Imight go to Bangkok Thai.  I wantto eat something yummy.

                I read myPatrickLawlerAfter-the-walk poem about ynestra kind and think about a Terry Scribo poem.  He's probably already done one betterthan anything I could do.

                6:49  I am sitting alone at Bangkok Thai. I ordermy favorite #18 and a springroll and I intend ot have dessert.  And I hope to come back sometime soon.

                Joy gave me a hug.  She asked me how Iwas.  I hesitaed a mment and then didnt' tell her.  She seems so happy.  I don't want even a shadow to pass her face and I don't have any info anyway.  You can't exactly announce you just found out you have a brain tumor and that's why you came.

                It's pretty cowded.  I read a Patrick Lalwler poem.  I brought the book in with me.  I'mhaving a little teeny tiny bit of a headache on the right side of my head and I can't help but worry.

                Meow and Joy and at leats one other girl are running around like mad.  They bring me water and the lemon smells so sweet, not sugar sweet, but floral sweet.    They bring me my spring rool anda curry puff and it is so incredbibly delcious.  Better than I remember.  Joy is so sweet, I love her cheery nature, her high happy girlish voice.

                She needs to be a character in one of my books..

                I want to give her a present,Meow, too.

                But I have nothing relaly to give them.

                7:12 PM Ah, I'm feeling a little better.  I had#18,squid and vegetables and Thai noodles withoyster sauce, yum. It firstI thought it was too mild,but it got hotter and hotterandhotter as I ate it.  The squid was larger than usual, but very good, excellent.

                Ah. now for some of that coconut egg custard.

                Iread another patrick Lawler poem.  Dorothy Arzner falling through Adrienne Riche's mosutache.

                I could have a brain tumor and die in a car accident because the engine seizes in heavy traffic.  Keith could driveonto the shoulder,but he forgets I don't drive inthe outside lane.

                I am still trying to humanize my brother.  There are these huge holes in mymemory.

                Instead of childhood, I have thesemore recent images:

•           my bother after a heart attack, running around in the mountains of Colorado with his dog and his camper

•           my brother, posing for a picture with his bikeup on top of a fence --and himon it

•           my brother riding motorcycles

•           my brother sneaking chocolate chip cookies when he wasn't supoosed to have them

•           my brother buying various presents formy mother,holding har hand,joking with her

•           the banter at the table, Smack talk

•           my brother the ace skier,t he incredibly good skier!

•           my borther mountain climbing. I have someemoryof us way ahead,myfather trying to call us back

I need more,more specific, more seasonally apt, more "ancient history" memories.

•           caoeing at Raquette Lake, my being the princess in themiddle, or not.

•           FISHING at south meadow

•           diving off the bridge

•           climbing the cliffs behind the dump

•           warching the bears at the dump, and taunting them.

•           the buddy burners or hobo stoves as we callled them down in the sandpit.

•            

Meow is talking about their upcoming trip to Thailand.

                Friday, March 31, 2006, 5~22 PM  I am in Oakwood Cemetery for my cnstitutional and upset because the Psion wouldn't work.  I finally got it working.  I wish I had one of these that just worked..

                I just took Mom for a walk.  It's overcast, very over, but pretty warm.  It was warmer earlier,now there's a cool.  Momwas really happy to be out.

                Coming in to Oakwood,I saw a young manlying on the ground curled around a grave covered with flowers.  I can only imagine from his pose that it was his wife, or girlfriend, someone he dearly loved has died.  I felt guity just for having my radio on and my window open when I drove by.  'mnot here tomourn anyone,just to walk.

                I have a poetry reading at 7 and was afraid if I went to Clark and walked, I would get back in time, but then I wasted time farting around with the Psion.

                Dr. Fazio's office scheduled another MRI for mein Octoer to check the progress of my tumor.  At Dr. Aziz's request they said.  October 2, 7:45 AM, North Medical.

                I waste more time writing down the appointments, they called on the cell while I was at Loretto.  I have to reset the clock in the Psion every timeit messes up.  I need to get backup batteries and I keep forgetting.  Grrr!

                A beautiful slender young girl (college age young woman) goes by in a skirt and bare feet and I'm sad to be old and fat.

                I cahnge lenses. It's too darkly overcast probably for the long lens.  I put on the wide angle.  Changing lenses is harder without Keith.

QQQQQ

Questions for Dr. Aziz

•           where is the tumorlocated?

•           how big is it?

•           what is the prognosis?

•           is there anything i can do to improve the prognosis? 

•           what will you do? 

•           how do you know it is notmalignant, if in fact you do know that?

•           Can I see the pictures? 

•           Can I have a copy (xerox)?

•           was the dizzy spellcaused by the tumor?  If not what caused the dizzy spell and will it recur?

QE

                I go down to the old entrance that keith said he'd like to photograph.  Under the archway are blankets and clothes as if somehomeless person had sheltered there.  On the other side are snowdrops.  In flower.  I take a picture.

                But I cannot take picture of the archway, not in a single frame,my wide angle isn't wide enough.  I take some shots, but I doubtthey'd be worth anything.

                A hazy ornage sun peers out through a hole in the clouds.  Crows caw and car at me, and the traffic roars by on 81.

                The big Lady at Loretto says Mom is smart, and even in her dementia, issmarter than a lot of "normal" people.

                I hear what sounds like a gunshot and jump. A flock of blackbirds skitters overhead.  What was that?  I see no one.

                I find more snowdrops but they are going by already.  I take a shot anyway.  Bad light, bad flowers, why bother.  But I do.  don't know why.

                So many gravestones andmonuments are ipped over.  Why do young men feel the need to be so destructive.  Too bad they can't all live on some other planet until they turn 55.

                I comeup over the topof the hill and see coming down the next hill bunches of youngmen and gogs. They're sitting down in front of the pyramid.  They were running down the hills taking huge airborn leaps.  Now they are shouting in their excited young male voices, sounding happy, having fun.  One pretends to climb the pyramid.  The others laugh.  Two doves fly away.  Nearby, but out of sight of the firstgroup,another group of college kids sits on anoher large monument.  more groups wander through the trees.  A runner jogs by.  I'm a little out of place among all these kids.  I was a kid here oncemyself.  I smell pot, a strong waft of it comes down to me.  Do the kids not know adults can smell it?

                Not that I care.  But someone else might.

                One thing about walking here is all the hills.  Up and up and up and up.  Very tiring. 

                A train goes by the tracks where a little while ago, I was.

                I've only walk 17 minutes and all I want to do is sit. But i have to walk and eat and go to the Y.

                It's a BIG long train and keeps going and going.  I can see the cars passing through thhe trees.  Finally it begins to get quieter.  It's sort of like clenaing the living room.  I work and work and work, and no progress is visible.  I'm almost even with Marshall Hall at ESH (started on the other side of the train tracks.  There's Illick.  There's Bray.  Phew.  In some ways,it was ony yesterday when I went to school here. In other ways, it was an eternity.

                It's a pretty place, this cememtery.  Hilly and treed and old and atractive, but the sky is dark and dismal.  It's humid and almost too hot forme.  Luckily there's breeze.  Not muchworth photographing under such a darkdull sky.

                6:11  Now I've walked 23minutes, halfmy walk,and Ihaven'tmade it to the top of the hill yet.

                Finally,finally, I make it to the top of the hillnext to Bray Hall at ESF. Puff,pant, phew.

                6:15 back down the ill (much morequickly0 to the "Avenue" where basketball fans used to park (and maybe still do).  I came here may a time with Bruce..  I've wwalk 29 minutes and the challenge is to figure whereto turn back to make it back to the car in a loop at exactly 45minutes or as close as possble  I wouldn't mind walking farther (now that I'm not walking uphill), but I have to eat the dinner I pakced and drive over to Warren etc and park and walk to the poetry reading. 

                I guess since I will almost surely have to walk to the poetry reading fromsomewhere, and back again, getting exactly 45 minutes isnt that much of an issue.

                It occurs to me that I haven'ttaken my daily timeself portrait so I wonk off a couple of shots by one of the mausoleums and by green stag that I likeand then decide to head back to the car--it's getting dark and you're not supposed to be in here after dark.  It's one thing if you walk from a dorm,but if you're in here with a car it's quite another. Then there's always the issue of finding the most expedient way back through themorass of interlacing roadways and the question of do I have timetoeat mydinner here or do I ahev to find another place to do that.

 

The Fat Pathto a brain tumor

                Keith will disagree, I'msure.  We had this discussion/argument before.  But I read anumber of statistic studies and other studies that indicated that it was harmful to be in an electrical field.  That's why I unplug my bed every night.  I started doing that after reading several of those studies..  For a long time, I did not do that.  I slept for years in a heated waterbed.  I figured, better late than never.

                Studieshave shown that people wholive under powerlines or enarthemor whosleep with electric blanksets (there was aa big electric blanket study) have a higher incidence of leukemia and certain tumors.  I don't remember which tumors and cancers they were.

                Because I am fat, I have sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is highly correlated with obesity.  Iam obese.  I wish I weren't.  Sleep apnea also CAUSES obesity!  A vicios circle, but that is not the point for this discussion.

                Because I ahve sleep apnea, I have to wear a CPAP machine or risk dying of sleep apnea smothering.

                The CPAP machine sits by my ead all night long running and creating an electrical fild which could possibly be the cause of my brain tumor.  I moved the CPAP over to dresser besie the bed, but that might not be far enough away.  it might also be too little toolate.

                But the point is, my gluttonymaybe the cause of my brain tumor.  I don't know if it wouldshrink away if Icould escape the elctrical fild.  I don't know if they do that on their own once they've started.

                Of course, the Cpap is not the only electrical device I spend timewith.  There is the ubiquitous computer as well.  Sigh.  Since I wantt to be a writer and a photographer (digital),giving up the computer would be more of an issue for me.

                Aiee.  If itmean living or dying, I would definitely consider it!!

                There's mylittle car,parkedby the chapel.  It's pretty dark,  I'd beter leave. Anyway, I have to leave to egt to te reading on time.

                Iwalked 46 minutes and tookvery fewpictures.

                8:24 PM it's RAININ and Iam walking alone through the city streets with no raincoat on my way tot he car frm the poetry reading.  I can't write, it's raining too hard.  Warm but rainy.

                When I arrived, a young black womanwas feeding money into a meter and when I return, she's coming back too.

                The young woman Isaw made methinkof a story and I wanted tow rite it right then.  It has to do with the fact that warenStreet is where the protitutes hang out.

                When I get home and get out of the car, the rain has stopped and it is warm.  I hear the sqeak squeak of a swing swinging.  In the dark,nearby.

Saturday, march 1, 2006,4'37 PM

                All of a sudden brain tumors are appearing everywhere.  A man on NPR kept a diary as he died of a brain tumor.  Amy Tan'sfather and brother both died of a brain tumor.  And then there is all this talk again about Terry Scraibo (sp)

                I amat 3R to walk my constitutional,at Fox HuntMeadow,at Fox hunt gate.

                It's raining.  Elderberry Pond.  I'd like to go there sometime,an organic restaurant.

                My daffodils opened.  BIG peeper din.

                It's darkly overcast and there's not much to see anyway, but I'mm carrying my gear in a backpack.

                I miss Keith.

                I want to write down somemore question for Dr. Aziz.  Some friend of Linda's says she liked him.

•           what is the sname of this type of tumor?

•           can they be hereditary?  My mother had a brain tumor

•           is there an intervention that might be used?  What type?

                I forgot to read my before walk Patrick Lawlet poem and I wish I had because the misty rainy feel to the air and scene has made me feel somewhat poetic.  It's colder and winder than I thought it was and I almost wish I'd dressed warmer.  I'm walking on a bermroad that runs between two ares of swamp where old scraggy willows lean over water full of peepers and darkness.

                Beside me runs the horse trail, down at the edge of the swamp.  But some horse must have been up here,because there is horse poop on the road.

                A pine, alone on an island.  A flock of brds flies screaming by, half flying, half blown by the wind.

                Amy Tan was talking about the "coincidences" in her life.  How a friend dreamed he'd be strangled and tortured and he was,how she dreamed the names of his killers, how she wrotethe truth about her gnadmother when she'd never been told it.  And I think about the ones I've had, including Keith.  Synchonicity.

                Hunt club pond is bery full, up to the top of its banks.  I peer into the water looking for peepers,but of course, don't see any.  Their camophlage is so good and the are silent when you comenear.

                One thing about this route I don'tlikeis that it is pretty much an out and back trip and I prefer loops. 

                Another thing is, there's not much to see.  I do like the open vistas. 

                I never did remember to ask Sara about the little bluestem grass.

                I take a side trail  It's muddier, but at least the sceneryy is a little differnt.  Windy, very windy.  i see no snow.  If I se none, it will be the first day of no snow.

                Oh yes, the electricity qiestion.  Probably the wrong question a neaurologist, but I could ask it.

•           could exposure to electrical fields from a CPAP, computers erc contribute to this tumor?

                I'm at another pnd with a super peeper din.  It's screen by trees and shrubs and they must not see me. The road I'm following dwindles away to essentially nothing butan intermittant trail and I cross a wet area, sinking my foot in deep at one spot.

                Another pond, another din.  Again I look, again I failto see any peepers.  I have seen them, but only extremely rarely.    I'vephotographed but even more rarely. 

                The whole area is barren and deserted, which is why I came here.  It's not crawling with other people.  I've seen no one, and Ican see for a long long ways out through vast plainslike area of grasses and islands of trees.

                he grass is mostly a bleached tan, only remotely green in a few spots.  The weeds are tan, the trees barren, and the wind hurtles over it all, blowing the taller weeds,tumbling leaves, beating my pants coldly against my legs.  The rain has stopped.

                I turn on the FoxHunt meadow Bunker Cross trail where Iwas the day before yesterday.  For a hundred yards, this walk will coincide wih that before I turn and head back toard the car.  The Sophie pond is not far, but i need to go home and sign papers for Charles Wicks, was dishes, work on the livingroom.  I am living a solo life right nnow.  I like solitude, but I also get lonely.  And depressed and desperate about thelack of progress.

                Here's snow! I guess this will not be my first walk without snow.  Not much, just little patches, but it is here.

                Two patches of snow back there and another slightly bigger one here.

                I hadn'ttaken any pictures, and nothing seems worthy of the timeandenergy.  But I love the wide open spaces and the trees here and there and I finally attempt a shot.

                A couple of shots.

                Washed with peeper song, and grey wind.

'               I think I have tot ake a picture of myself for the self portrait Tuesday group, but then I remember that time time theme is over, and the new theme is April fool and I am in a melancholy mood and not a the mood of a fool.  I may BE a fool, but I don't feel like acting the parrt at the moment.  I'll have to keep my eyes open for foolish opportunities, but this vast windwashed grey plain with peeper din and dead possoms just doesn't seem the place to act the fool.  I like skulls, but this possom  is not ready to be a skull and I leave it where it lies.  I am walking into the wind.  I wonder if I should take a picture for Keith.

                Does he need or want to see a new one every day?

                Four more patches of snow.  I saw theme arlier but was writing about something else and forgot them.

                I hear myself thinking that I'd be happier IF

•           IF I could walk somewhere more beautfiful,

•           if the weather was more condisive to photography

•           if I did't have to go home and work on a hopeless task

•           if I was better at cleaning and sorting and could just hurry up and get it done

•           if I was thinner,

•           if I could sleep at night,

•           if I didn't have to wear a CPAP, if I didn't have a brain tumor

                And I decide it is time for a grattitude list

•           I am grateful for Keith and Graham, for meeting them and having their love

•           I am grateful Sara and Erin, their lives, their love, and the fact that they are beautiful healthy people

•           I am gateful for trees.  I am always grateful for trees.

•           Iam grateful for peepers and spring and ponds and reflections

•           Iam garteful that I have had 59 interesting years of life

•           I am grateful for poetry and photography and the fun they have given me

•           I am grateful for creativity

•           I am grateful for love and friendship and support

•           I am grateful for each of my friends and the different ways they love me

•           I am grateful for wind and dark skies and sunshine

•           I am grateful for seasons, and how they change, for variety

•           I amgateful for this opportunity for have all this space around me, this wind and peppers and openess and solitude

•           Iam grateful for companionshop

•           I am grateful that my firomyalgia andmy arthritis seems to bemuch better and that I can walk farther and that I can still get around and that asthma too is better

•           I am grateful to be back to the car It was all uphill and intothe wind coming back and took longer than Iexpected.

                It occurs to methat I need to move all thepoetry and novels that are on floppies to CDs and other media, and how andwhen can I do that. I haven't backed any ofmy newphotos up--thattakes timeawayfrom cleaning etc.  Oh, here I go,complaining again.  Iwas so happy when I was thinking of thingsto be grateful for.

                I read my after walk Patrick Lalwerpoem.  It's about evisceratin the brain.

                Of course,the oil light is on. It's always on.  I haven't seen itNOT on inweeks.

                Ticky Sjaggs is on Prairie Home Compnaion, playing Bluegrass, which will be icetolisten to while I workin the livingroom and sign papers etc.

                I am thinking of making meatloaf with some ground buffalo.  I want to make it maybe on Tuesday and then have some of it Thursday for the tip forlunch.  And I'd liketo makeoatmeal cookies forthe trip,too, but I have to buy some ww pastry flour,as I don't have any.  I could have the meatload for dinner Tuesday, and for lunchwednesday and for lunch on the tip if I don'tpig out on it Tuesday.