Tuesday, OctOBER 4, 2005, 2:07 PM I am at Loretto to visit Mom after an appointment with Dr. Milton who says my blood pressure is down and good,I don?t have lupus, or any other of those scary diseases she was testing me for. I have "food sensitivities" which we already knew. But that's good news.
The BAD news is that I waited over an hour and a halfto see her, because of, apparently, a computermalfunction. Compared to having lupus or some other dread disease, that's minor, but it was a big PAIN.
The worse news is that on my way to her office, I tripped and dropped my brand new used Psion, Sylvia P, and it came apart into 7 pieces,and while I ahve it partlytogether enough so it works, it is all floppy and still half in pieces. Where is Keith when I need him? Keith, where are you, I need you! WAHN! :-((
It's very hit today, record breaking heat, they expect. I hope to take Mom out for a walk. The car is like an oven, the sun is scorchinly hot, but it is coolish in the shade because the nights are cool and the ground retains some of the cooless.
I'm bummed that I lost so much time and that that time could not be used for writing, poetry etc, because of the failure of both devices I had with me. One of the batteries were lost when sSylvia hit the pavement and I never did find it. so I couldn't use Sylvia ever when I put her together. And Cleo's keyboard was locked and wouldn?t work. Some little boy took 25 or so poictures ofhimself with my camera.
2:19 PM When it is time to take Mom out, she decided she has to go to the bathroom. I look in herroom forthe catfood for that grey cat, but I can't find it. They probably threw it away, which makes memad,because I paid for it. And I forgot to bring any more.
This Psion, Sylvia, like Pasada B, all the others, always goes back to itsdefaul font size setting,no matter how many times I reset it.
\n\n\n2:23 PM The aid that took Momto the bathroom just went down\nthe elevaotr--did they leave her on the toielt? will anyone be getting her off? \nDo they see that I am here WAITING for her? Does anyone care?\n\n\nMom is hollering, Mary, Mary. I go get someone and they come\nand help her. They lookannoyed,but they\nshouldn?tgo off and leave a patient with dementia \n\n\n3:12 PM I signedin at 2:15 and out at 3:15 (according to\ntheir clocks). Sylvia is a minute or\ntwo slow. I should fix that now. Supposed to be record breaking heat\ntoday,and it IS HOT! I took her\nfor a walk and we petted the cat and I took somepictures. We never found the catfood can. But someone has been feeding the\ncat--there is dry food and water out.\n\n\nI watered her plants andlooked around for mail, but the only\nmail I saw was my own postcards. That\ndoesn?t mean that there hasn?tbeen mail. \nShe loses things, and ferrets things away.\n\n\nPoor Sylvia, she?s all floppy and needs help. I need Keith.\n\n\n3:24 PM I am at Clark for my daily walk. AK, this whole day will be gone and I won?t\nhave accomplished anything by harming poor Sylvia, and my doctor\'s appointmment\nand visiting Mom. Of course these doctor\'s appoints are WHY\nI AM HERE in NY, so I guess that?s an accomplishment.\n\n\nIt just seems that it took way more time thatit should have\nan I NEED my time.\n\n\nI am also worried because I signed up to take this course,\nbut I can\'t use Eeyore, the SLR, because I don?t know where her charger\nis. And I?m going to be traveling AND\nI\'m now not moving Blue so that when I\'m in town,I can work on the pictures for\nthe course. I wish I had NOT signed up\nfor the course until I got moved and settled, but at the rate things are going,\nI could DIE of OLD age before I get moved.\n\n\nI need to pack.",1]
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2:23 PM The aid that took Momto the bathroom just went down the elevaotr--did they leave her on the toielt? will anyone be getting her off? Do they see that I am here WAITING for her? Does anyone care?
Mom is hollering, Mary, Mary. I go get someone and they come and help her. They lookannoyed,but they shouldn?tgo off and leave a patient with dementia
3:12 PM I signedin at 2:15 and out at 3:15 (according to their clocks). Sylvia is a minute or two slow. I should fix that now. Supposed to be record breaking heat today,and it IS HOT! I took her for a walk and we petted the cat and I took somepictures. We never found the catfood can. But someone has been feeding the cat--there is dry food and water out.
I watered her plants andlooked around for mail, but the only mail I saw was my own postcards. That doesn?t mean that there hasn?tbeen mail. She loses things, and ferrets things away.
Poor Sylvia, she?s all floppy and needs help. I need Keith.
3:24 PM I am at Clark for my daily walk. AK, this whole day will be gone and I won?t have accomplished anything by harming poor Sylvia, and my doctor's appointmment and visiting Mom. Of course these doctor's appoints are WHY I AM HERE in NY, so I guess that?s an accomplishment.
It just seems that it took way more time thatit should have an I NEED my time.
I am also worried because I signed up to take this course, but I can't use Eeyore, the SLR, because I don?t know where her charger is. And I?m going to be traveling AND I'm now not moving Blue so that when I'm in town,I can work on the pictures for the course. I wish I had NOT signed up for the course until I got moved and settled, but at the rate things are going, I could DIE of OLD age before I get moved.
I need to pack.
I\nneed to pack for Maine and Detroit, but one of issues is I don?t have enough\nclothes. I don?t have enough clothes to\npack ahead for the trip and still have something to wear in the meantime! Not that there\'smuch meantime left. Tonight (and I wasplanning to go to a poetry\nreading at LeMoyne) and tomorrow. \nThat\'s it. The probalem is, I HAVE to\npack tonoght and tomorrow before 5:25 because I am meeting the girls at Loretto\nand then eating with the girls and then Thursday morning, Mom has an\nappointment and I need to meet her there. \nI needto be able to leave DIRECTLY from the doctor\'s which means I need\nto havethe car packed by Wednesday afternoon.\n\n\nTwo crows just flew up, I hear the whoosh whoosh whoosh of\ntheir wings andlooked up into the golden tree to see a black so deep as to look\nlike ahole, a rent in the fabric of tree and sky, a black bird-shaped hole into\nwhich I could fall, upwards into nothingness. The two black crows and a black\nsquirrel.\n\n\nAnd now a third crow. \nI?m looking for pattern and line and texture and color. For rule of thirds. But The three black crows lose themselves in\nthe gold of sunlit autumn leaves. It is\nalmost asif they weren\'tthere,but for a flick of tail or a twist of head.\n\n\nAnd the sqeaking of the chains of the swings --there must be\na child, one lonely child. No I hear\nvoices, more than one.\n\n\nI wonder why htey planted honey locusts here,onnative\nspecies. Why not sugar maple?\n\n\n3:41 It may be hot,\nbut the trees know it\'s October and are obliingly turning color, bright reds\nand oranges. And yellows and golds.\n\n\n3:46 I don?t want to\nbe so busy looking for pattern, line, texture, color, rule of thirds etc, that\nI miss some other good shot that doesn?t fit the syllabus.\n\n\n3:55 PM I am sitting\non a rock in the shade on the top of the cliff trail",1]
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I need to pack for Maine and Detroit, but one of issues is I don?t have enough clothes. I don?t have enough clothes to pack ahead for the trip and still have something to wear in the meantime! Not that there'smuch meantime left. Tonight (and I wasplanning to go to a poetry reading at LeMoyne) and tomorrow. That's it. The probalem is, I HAVE to pack tonoght and tomorrow before 5:25 because I am meeting the girls at Loretto and then eating with the girls and then Thursday morning, Mom has an appointment and I need to meet her there. I needto be able to leave DIRECTLY from the doctor's which means I need to havethe car packed by Wednesday afternoon.
Two crows just flew up, I hear the whoosh whoosh whoosh of their wings andlooked up into the golden tree to see a black so deep as to look like ahole, a rent in the fabric of tree and sky, a black bird-shaped hole into which I could fall, upwards into nothingness. The two black crows and a black squirrel.
And now a third crow. I?m looking for pattern and line and texture and color. For rule of thirds. But The three black crows lose themselves in the gold of sunlit autumn leaves. It is almost asif they weren'tthere,but for a flick of tail or a twist of head.
And the sqeaking of the chains of the swings --there must be a child, one lonely child. No I hear voices, more than one.
I wonder why htey planted honey locusts here,onnative species. Why not sugar maple?
3:41 It may be hot, but the trees know it's October and are obliingly turning color, bright reds and oranges. And yellows and golds.
3:46 I don?t want to be so busy looking for pattern, line, texture, color, rule of thirds etc, that I miss some other good shot that doesn?t fit the syllabus.
3:55 PM I am sitting on a rock in the shade on the top of the cliff trail
The view\'s not as good as it used to be because so many trees\nhave grown up to block it. I know I\'m\nols when I can remember how different things used to be, almost everywhere I\ngo. Since I\'m short on time, I\'m not\ngoing down to the lake or taking the long trail. I need to run home and do laundry. And if I don\'t hurry up and go home, it will almost not be worth\ngoing at all, because I\'ll lose more than an hour driving back and forth. And, an hour\'s worth of gas. This day is not working out at all\nwell. Murphy hard at work!\n\n\nIt\'s a beautiful day,in the shade. A day to sit, relax, and write. \nI wish.\n\n\nI hear a heron taking off from the lakeshore. I rmember\nwistfully the days when I took a leave of absence fromwork andwnetto VC and\ncame here and other places to sit on this rock at the top of the cliff and\nwrite. Just do my work. Quietly work.\n\n\nWednesday, October 5, 2005, 4:32 PM I am on my constituional\nat OLP West Shore, walking along the river toward the lake, the smell of the\nlake rising to assault my nose, the gentle smells of algae and fish and\npollution. It\'s another hot day, but it is clearly October. Many of the trees are yellow. None (yet) are red orangen,juts tttellow and\ngreen,but bright yellow. \n\n\nA man is fishing, people are sunning, walking their\ndogs. Riding bikes,a woman with white hair like Dawn McDuffie\'s. \n\n\nI\'ve been crying. I\nthink I ate something bad, probably last night at the poetry reading. \'ve been desperately tryingg to ornagize for\nboth my trip to Maine and my trip to Detroit, because when I get back, I will\nonly have one transitional day before Ileave agin for Detrait. I just can\'t seem to do it,not well. Some\npeople are orgaized and some are not, and I\'m just not. I HAVE to be ready to leave tonight because\ntomorrow, I have to leave early to take my Mom to the doctor, and then I am\nplanning to leave from there to go to NH, to Heidi\'s.",1]
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The view's not as good as it used to be because so many trees have grown up to block it. I know I'm ols when I can remember how different things used to be, almost everywhere I go. Since I'm short on time, I'm not going down to the lake or taking the long trail. I need to run home and do laundry. And if I don't hurry up and go home, it will almost not be worth going at all, because I'll lose more than an hour driving back and forth. And, an hour's worth of gas. This day is not working out at all well. Murphy hard at work!
It's a beautiful day,in the shade. A day to sit, relax, and write. I wish.
I hear a heron taking off from the lakeshore. I rmember wistfully the days when I took a leave of absence fromwork andwnetto VC and came here and other places to sit on this rock at the top of the cliff and write. Just do my work. Quietly work.
Wednesday, October 5, 2005, 4:32 PM I am on my constituional at OLP West Shore, walking along the river toward the lake, the smell of the lake rising to assault my nose, the gentle smells of algae and fish and pollution. It's another hot day, but it is clearly October. Many of the trees are yellow. None (yet) are red orangen,juts tttellow and green,but bright yellow.
A man is fishing, people are sunning, walking their dogs. Riding bikes,a woman with white hair like Dawn McDuffie's.
I've been crying. I think I ate something bad, probably last night at the poetry reading. 've been desperately tryingg to ornagize for both my trip to Maine and my trip to Detroit, because when I get back, I will only have one transitional day before Ileave agin for Detrait. I just can't seem to do it,not well. Some people are orgaized and some are not, and I'm just not. I HAVE to be ready to leave tonight because tomorrow, I have to leave early to take my Mom to the doctor, and then I am planning to leave from there to go to NH, to Heidi's.
I freaked out, first I got angry because while I was in Erin\'s\nold room getting something I needed for the trip, the bird flew in and pooped\non the bed--he mattress I bought, which was exposed because I\'d taken the\nsheets off to wash them. I was already\nrunning late, and had to stop andclean it, clean that one thing while\neverything else disintegrates, and I creamed at the bird and then started\ncrying.\n\n\nThen I was listening to astory on NPR about a woman named\nSharon who came back to herhouse to find it essentially totally ruined and was\ncrying. I was crying too, crying for\nher, crying in guilt because my problems seem pitifully small compared to hers\nbut are still difficult for me, crying for me because I just can\'t get it\ntogther.\n\n\nCrying because so much time got wasted in the past few days,\nI might have actually been able to be ready, crying because I can\'t find the\nbattery charger for my good camera, crying because I probably should nOT have\nsigned up for that course, that BP course, when I have so much elseon my plate,\nbut everything is dragging out and out andout and my creativity is being lost\nto petty crap.\n\n\nI was picturing taking pictures for my class while I was in\nMaine. But of course, if I cannot find\nthe baterycharger, I won\'t be able to use Eeyore, the Canon EOS 10D. That\'s the camera I considerto be my\nprimary camera, my creatice tool.\n\n\nI meant to ask Sara if I could borrow the little Canon back\ntemporarily, but I forgot.\n\n\nThe mosquitoes are bad.This will encourage me to hurry and\nnot loiter.\n\n\nI walk by something really smelly. Like sewage.\n\n\nI look around as Iwalk, searching for colors,texture,\npattern, line. There is lots of that,\nbut the other rule is that we\'re not allowed to CROP the picture, except\nminorly, and we\'renot allowed to adjust the picture except levels and saturation.\nThat lets OUT a lot of possibilties as far as I?m cocerned.",1]
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I freaked out, first I got angry because while I was in Erin's old room getting something I needed for the trip, the bird flew in and pooped on the bed--he mattress I bought, which was exposed because I'd taken the sheets off to wash them. I was already running late, and had to stop andclean it, clean that one thing while everything else disintegrates, and I creamed at the bird and then started crying.
Then I was listening to astory on NPR about a woman named Sharon who came back to herhouse to find it essentially totally ruined and was crying. I was crying too, crying for her, crying in guilt because my problems seem pitifully small compared to hers but are still difficult for me, crying for me because I just can't get it togther.
Crying because so much time got wasted in the past few days, I might have actually been able to be ready, crying because I can't find the battery charger for my good camera, crying because I probably should nOT have signed up for that course, that BP course, when I have so much elseon my plate, but everything is dragging out and out andout and my creativity is being lost to petty crap.
I was picturing taking pictures for my class while I was in Maine. But of course, if I cannot find the baterycharger, I won't be able to use Eeyore, the Canon EOS 10D. That's the camera I considerto be my primary camera, my creatice tool.
I meant to ask Sara if I could borrow the little Canon back temporarily, but I forgot.
The mosquitoes are bad.This will encourage me to hurry and not loiter.
I walk by something really smelly. Like sewage.
I look around as Iwalk, searching for colors,texture, pattern, line. There is lots of that, but the other rule is that we're not allowed to CROP the picture, except minorly, and we'renot allowed to adjust the picture except levels and saturation. That lets OUT a lot of possibilties as far as I?m cocerned.
Bryan Peterson, I think that\'s the teacher\'s nname,believes\nin getting the picture right INSIDE the camera. I agree that the best pictures start with the best\n"negatives" or original digital images. But I personally see nothing wrong with cropping for the ideal\nimage if there was somereason why you could not or didnot get it the first\ntime.\n\n\nI guess I need to find out more about the coursesbefore I\ntake them. And take something on photo\nmanipulation. Or just keep playing and\nreading books on my own. But then,\nthere is no helpful critical feedback.\n\n\nThe feedback BP members give each other is usually PAP! It is entirely unuseful. It?s alot of indiscriminate praise. Praiseis\nnicewhen deserved, but I value praise less when I seepeople dishing it out\nliberally to bad mages.\n\n\nI udnerstnad wantingto be supportive, but it seems to me\nthat very few peopleknow how to truly give supportive construcive\ncriticism. There ought to be a school\nfor that.\n\n\nI have body issues:\n\n\n•\n \nI\'m obese,and I hate being obese\n\n\n•\n \nYesterday, when they stuck Mom on the toilet and left her\nthere, at Loretto, I wanted someone elseto help her. I did not want to\n"intrude" on her privacy.\n\n\n•\n \nI was uncomfortable when the man in the wheelchair wanted me\nto scratch his back.",1]
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Bryan Peterson, I think that's the teacher's name,believes in getting the picture right INSIDE the camera. I agree that the best pictures start with the best "negatives" or original digital images. But I personally see nothing wrong with cropping for the ideal image if there was somereason why you could not or didnot get it the first time.
I guess I need to find out more about the coursesbefore I take them. And take something on photo manipulation. Or just keep playing and reading books on my own. But then, there is no helpful critical feedback.
The feedback BP members give each other is usually PAP! It is entirely unuseful. It?s alot of indiscriminate praise. Praiseis nicewhen deserved, but I value praise less when I seepeople dishing it out liberally to bad mages.
I udnerstnad wantingto be supportive, but it seems to me that very few peopleknow how to truly give supportive construcive criticism. There ought to be a school for that.
I have body issues:
• I'm obese,and I hate being obese
• Yesterday, when they stuck Mom on the toilet and left her there, at Loretto, I wanted someone elseto help her. I did not want to "intrude" on her privacy.
• I was uncomfortable when the man in the wheelchair wanted me to scratch his back.
It seemed like a\nboundary-crossing act to me. I did\nit,because everyone needs to have their back scratched and he was in a\nwheelchair and couldn\'t reach. But I was clearly upset by it.\n\n\nI could go on, but the point is, I do have issues. It?s hard to know, for me,what\'s\napproapriate and what\'s not.\n\n\nI walk by poison-ivy coveredtrees that are red, yellow and\nornage. One is brilliant scarlet. Also some silver maples are brillinat\nscarley. I\'m carrying mycamera, but so far have taken no picturesin spite of\nthe fact it\'s alovley day, sunny and colorful.\n\n\nI wrote a poem once that startedout something like this:\n\n\nit\'s too much. Getting up every day, doing\n\n\nwhat has to be done,it\'sall too much\n\n\n(only better -written, I hope than that.) I feel srt of like thattoday. For no reason. I feel like there is something wrong with me.\n I\'m not normal, I\'mabnormal. I have no\norganization skills, I\'m missing some gene. \nI\'m incompetant.\n\n\nI sound like I\'mdepressed,but I don\'tgenerally feel that\ndepressed,I just feel incapable and incompetant. I think I\'m gtting worse, not better. I think I ate something that?s making me feel worse. I always thought my father was crazy when he\nthought sitting in a draft gave him a cold. \nIt doesn?tgive me a cold. But\neveryone thinks I\'m crazy when I think I\'ve eaten something that makes me sick. Or weid. \nExcept Ami Milton, and a few ofmy doctors, who seem to agree with me.\nNot everyone thinks I\'m crazy, thank god!\n\n\nI have very ambivalent feelings about this ADD thing. If it turns out I do have ADD,I\'ll have some\nvery mixed feelings!\n\n\n•",1]
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It seemed like a boundary-crossing act to me. I did it,because everyone needs to have their back scratched and he was in a wheelchair and couldn't reach. But I was clearly upset by it.
I could go on, but the point is, I do have issues. It?s hard to know, for me,what's approapriate and what's not.
I walk by poison-ivy coveredtrees that are red, yellow and ornage. One is brilliant scarlet. Also some silver maples are brillinat scarley. I'm carrying mycamera, but so far have taken no picturesin spite of the fact it's alovley day, sunny and colorful.
I wrote a poem once that startedout something like this:
it's too much. Getting up every day, doing
what has to be done,it'sall too much
(only better -written, I hope than that.) I feel srt of like thattoday. For no reason. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I'm not normal, I'mabnormal. I have no organization skills, I'm missing some gene. I'm incompetant.
I sound like I'mdepressed,but I don'tgenerally feel that depressed,I just feel incapable and incompetant. I think I'm gtting worse, not better. I think I ate something that?s making me feel worse. I always thought my father was crazy when he thought sitting in a draft gave him a cold. It doesn?tgive me a cold. But everyone thinks I'm crazy when I think I've eaten something that makes me sick. Or weid. Except Ami Milton, and a few ofmy doctors, who seem to agree with me. Not everyone thinks I'm crazy, thank god!
I have very ambivalent feelings about this ADD thing. If it turns out I do have ADD,I'll have some very mixed feelings!
•
I will feel a senseof relief and vindication of sorts that\nthere is a REASN (eg, excuse), a real medical disease or cause for my lack of\nattentiveness and my disorganiztion.\n\n\n•\n \nI will feel a senseof grief that this was not diagnsedearlier,\nwhen my wholelifemight have been able to have been improved\n\n\n•\n \nI will be very worried and concerned about the diet and meds\nrequiredto treat the cndtion. I will\nworry that because of my ADD, I will have trouble following a cmplex diet\nregime. I will worry that Ritalin, a\nStilulant, will worsen my insomnia.\n\n\nOn the other hand, if I do NOT have ADD, I may have a deep\nsense of despair about my inabilty to functionin the world.\n\n\nI jog the rest of the way out of the trail, the heck with\npictures. I\'m being severely chewed by\ninsects.\n\n\nI walked 49 and a halfminues, I meant to only walk 40, since\nI expect to walk my Mom. But I\nforgot. And it would have been more if\nI hadn?t run at the end.\n\n\nAK! Nw I\'m all\nitchy!\n\n\nPoor Sylvia, she needs some loving attention from Keith.\n\n\n5:56 PM I am at Loretto, again.\n\n\nI feel really tired. \nI hope I can sleep. I hope I\nwon\'teed stimulants tomorrow.\n\n\n \n\n-- I am certain of nothing but the Heart\'s affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats",1]
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I will feel a senseof relief and vindication of sorts that there is a REASN (eg, excuse), a real medical disease or cause for my lack of attentiveness and my disorganiztion.
• I will feel a senseof grief that this was not diagnsedearlier, when my wholelifemight have been able to have been improved
• I will be very worried and concerned about the diet and meds requiredto treat the cndtion. I will worry that because of my ADD, I will have trouble following a cmplex diet regime. I will worry that Ritalin, a Stilulant, will worsen my insomnia.
On the other hand, if I do NOT have ADD, I may have a deep sense of despair about my inabilty to functionin the world.
I jog the rest of the way out of the trail, the heck with pictures. I'm being severely chewed by insects.
I walked 49 and a halfminues, I meant to only walk 40, since I expect to walk my Mom. But I forgot. And it would have been more if I hadn?t run at the end.
AK! Nw I'm all itchy!
Poor Sylvia, she needs some loving attention from Keith.
5:56 PM I am at Loretto, again.
I feel really tired. I hope I can sleep. I hope I won'teed stimulants tomorrow.