Questions for Fazio
• eye doctor
• bood pressure?
• pictures of tumor?
060403 Dr Aziz
Monday, April 3, 2006, 8:42 AM it's raining. I'm in the parkinglot of North Medical about to go in to see Dr. Aziz and learn about my brain tumor.
8:51 PM I missed two elevators trying to find Aziz'sname. I thought they said suite 300,but there was no suite 300, and then Iwas afraid I'd cometo the wrong place. But no, I finally found it.
9:33 AM I was supposed to come at 8:45 to fill out papers, but I wasignored til 9. My appointment was supposed to be at 915, but it is 9:34. Theman next tome is actually sitting there twiddling his thmbs. People who cae in afterme are going in. I hope they are seeing a different doctor.
I had been thinking of visitingmy mother,but I have an appointment with Ami Milton in the city tomorrow and I think I'll go then.
9:48 AM They've finally brought me into the examining room. The receptionist (nurse?) is ver friendly and nice even though I complained to her about their asking me to come in at 8:45 if they weren't going to do anything. (I had other things I could have done with that time besides read about google in Time magazine.
Last night, I wanted to be in bed by 10:45 but didn't get to bed until 11:30. That probably would still have been okay if I could have slept, but I lay awake for hours andhours. I'd feel myself relaxing and starting to sleep and I'd wake back up over and over The last time I looked at the clock it was 4:30 AM and I felt wide awake. After that,I still tossed around.
10:06 AM The doctor came in and asked me a lot of questions, then left saying to take off my shoes and socks and he'd be back in a fewminutes. I wish I could use the restroom. And I am thirsty. I should have brought in my water bottle.
Dr.. Aziz says he does not have the films, the pictures of the tumor. I was hoping to see them.
10:19 AM He returned and gave me some of the same physical tests as I've had a number of times lately. And some other ones. Close eyes, touch finger to nose, first right, then left. Close eyes, draw numbers on hands. Walk on toes, walk onheels, walk in a straight line one foot in front of the other. Press up on my hands, down on my hands, resist pressure, put your chin on my hand (on my shoulder). He looked in my eyes. Etc etc.
He's gone away but he's coming back. To talk to me.
He gota beeper beep while he was with me so he may have gone awayto make a phone call.
He has not yetmentioned the word tumoror toldmeanything at all and I haven'tasked yet because I wanted to wait until he talked tomeand said what he was going to say before Iasked my questions.
I had to writeout the questions by hand even though I'd typed theminto the Psion and trasferred them to Toby and organized them, since I have no printer.
I think I ahve a printer cablethatalows me to print directly fromthe Psion to an older printer, but Ido't have anyprinters left in B'ville and Idon't know where thatcableis, if in fact, I still have it or ever had it. I did have and do have several cables tolink the Psion to a computer (but not Toby) and print through the computer, so thatmay be what Iam thinking of.
I should assemble a medical history folder with all my pertinent info, because I never can remember tat stuff when doctors ask me. When I had my last MRI for example. I was reading about normalage-related memory loss verses mild impairment,moderate impairment and severe impairment on a display in the examining room. My mother has reached the severe impairment stage. The chart hasn't gotthat much written on it, but one thing it does say is that aluminum can worsedementia or Alsheimers.
OK, so here's the deal, the tumor is a meningioma,in the lining of the brain in the back on the right. it is 1.3 cm, a slow growing,nonmalignant tumor that did not cause the dizzines which he says was probablycaused by a problem in the inner ear and may not recur. He says they need to watch the tumor, but at this time it is not causing any porblems and is unlikely to in the near future.
Dr. Aziz said my blood pressure was high and wanted to know if I was taking any meds. And he said I should see an eye doctor about my double vision.
Talk to Fazio:
• eye doctor
• blood pressure
• films (pictures) of tumor
11:10AM I am at Hamlin Marsh,at the Clay Central parkentrance. 11:11 I wish that keith and I can live long, healthy happy and loving together. I wish my health issues would subside into radiant good health.
I didn't really want to cometo Hamlin,it's notmy favorite place. But it's way better than walking in the neighborhood. It's stopped raining. The sun is peeking out. But it is very wet. There is a special on autism on NPR. I'm interested because of the book we are reaidng right now.
To make someone like you, you read the cues of other people, locate shared interests, listen and react appropriately. Autistic people don't know how to do this. One person suggests an inborn tendency exacerbated by environmental factors. I'd love to listen to the program, but I have to make choices andI think the thing I need to do now is walk. I'm here, and it's notraining and I have other things to attend to.
Vandena Shiva and the shorebirds touching wings before they die is the before walk Patrick Lalwer poem that I read.
It's supposed to be warm today, in the sixties, but it is not warm yet, it's cold and windy. It's supposed to snow tonight and tomorrow.
I am grateful. I am grateful that the brain tumor is small and nonmalignat. I'd rather have it be gone entirely. The doctor says they are slowgrowing, or they may not grow at all. U am grateful it's slow growing. It's in thelining of the brain, a meningioma, and if I have to have a tumor at all, that's a good one to have because it's more accessible. Easier to remove if it does get bigger. I'm glad the news isn't just bad bad bad. Condidering that I have a brain tumor, which sounds very scary, it is pretty good news. I'm grateful for all that.
I wish I had no tumor, that would be even better.
I''m grateful, but I'mnot "happy". I'm kind of depressed. I'm headachey and depressed andvery tried. I had two extemely bad nights and it's hard to be cheery when I'm depressed I mean it's hard to be cheery when Im so so very tired.
I'm alsi hungry. I often don't even eat breakfast by now, and I've had breakfast (hours ago)and am already "hungry". I think it may be a hunger borne of worry and relief and tiredness and frustration etc.
The doctor seemed nice.
Sigh.
I wish I could SLEEP!
The trail I was following on the far east of Clay Central seems to have just petered out and I don't eel like bushwhacking, I'm just too tired. I head back the other way.
I want to go back to the house after U walk and do some packing and cleaning. When I'm this tired, it's really hard. Hard mentally,emotionally and physically.
I wonder if beef could be contributing to insomnia. Or what causes it.
I take a different trail and cross that series of helter skelter boardwalks I photographed two visits ago. It'swarmerin the bushwhack that it was in the open. Warmer and less windy. I may have to start unzipping.
11:40 AM Someone has madelittle "rooms" in the bushwhack and smehave rocks for seats. When I o in one and try to stopmy watch,I discover I never started it, and I've been out a while! Dang!
I'm tired. I'm grateful for the sunshine (especiay after all the rain this morning) and for the birdsong.
I have NO idea how long I've been walking. I'm going to arbitrily assign myself ten minutes for the previous walking. No idea if it's right. But I'll try to walk35 more minutes. Wahn!
I find what looks like an easter egg, a plastic easter egg. It has a number on itin bacmagicmarker, a big number, and nothing isnide so I put it back where I got it.
I was tempted by a candy jar at the doctor's office and refrained.
very tempted.
but I didn't. Iwentso far as to pick one up, but I put it back (it was wrapped.)
Another cloud has made it cooler. Musical bird song, red wings, jays and others.
The mosses are very lush and green after the rain.
I need to get some backup batteries for the Psion.
I wish I could remember to do that.
I made two rightturns and am going sortof back the way I came. Toward the trail I was on that ended. My car was the only car in the parking lot. No, wait, therewas one way up in the upper lot, one I think I've seen there before..
I was trying to explore the farthest eastern rwaches of these trails, I've truned right again to a boardwalk throgh a marshy area. I don't think I'be been here before butmabe I have. In general, I haven't spent enough time here to know my wya around like I do at 3R. Here in general. I smell skunkand there is skunk cabbage. Idecide I have been here before
Ilay on my belly for a couple skunk cabbage shots but don't expect them to be very good.
I cometo a place where the trail spits and onetrail goes back and the other toward some houses in the distance. Last time I was here,I think I stopped and went back, but to so some eliminates a full knowledge ofthe area, so I go on through mud that sucks at my feet and threatens to pull of my shoes and sure enough, there's another split in the trail, two ways to go, one toward the houses and one into the swamp. I go tward the houses first, thinkinging that if I go nearlyto the houses, I will see any other possible side trailsand have an idea of the scope of the trail system, since there are no maps, apparently. In any case,I have none. I'd like google it on google eartj and see if you (I) can see the trails. Some of them sould be visible, but this oneI'm on now,maybe not. It'snarrowerthan the others, but it does not go to the houses, as I suspected it would (an accesspoint for people there towalk there dogs etc), but turns and skirts below one yard and through a wetland and up a hill. This increases the total availavle walking space!
The trail descends nto a phragmitesmasrsh andupa hillto another Hamlin GMA parking lot at a sugarbush at a turn right angle turn in a road. There are housing developments. I have noidea where I am exceptmaybe to the south and east of Clay Central. The parking areas are not marked on the maps, any of them (I mean the syracuse oronondaga county maps. and I seeno street signs.
Google earth,maybe.
OK, here a map. (above). the road is headed approximately north Ithink,andthen turns west. The parking lot is on the east. The sugarbush is north and east or the parkinglot.
I dig around inmycoat pockets looking for a compass but don't find one. Wish I had a GPS. Take off my coat and tie it around my waist. I feelmorecheerful. I like exploring. And the sun is shining.
This is a real trail, because there were (are) boardwalks of the same style as the others.
There's a trail headed east at right angles to the one I came in on that runs behind a huge McMansion style house and I take it..
The trailruns through a marsh with fragmites and cattails. The McMansionn has aHUGE high cyclone fencearound it so criminals and terroristslikeme can't get in. The trail is very wet and runs down to a largemarsh with open water and geese.
Peeperstoo. Duckweed. Ducks take off, and the geese stand tall andmake alarm noises. The settle back. I hear woodfrogs now, too.
There'san odd thing in the water that looks like an old, rusted spaceship! I wonder what it is.
I take a picture of it. Not for art, but for silliness and curiosity.
This trail deadends here at the water, but 30 feet back, another trails heads north. I take it, but I ought to trun back soon if this tril doesn'tlinl back to theone Icame on. It seems to diverge intomini trails and Peter out,so Iamofficially turning back toward the car now.
The Tuesday Self=portriat group's theme for April is fool (Hewho calls his brother a foolshall forver burn in hell"). I don'twantto be afool, exactly, but I don'tmind being a little silly and foolish. Bust it is hard to be silly and gay and foolish and dream up cretaive foolideas when I'm so tired. The Lacrima Thursday photo challenge for this week is Pattern. I likepattern, but I like thembest whent hey have a meaningful echo (likemoss with a small leaf or flower). There's lots of moss here, but so far none tat seems worthwhile. Of course, I'm watching forther patterns too. I have one of a bench in Suracuse and other of another bench, both of which I like, but I'dprefer to dind something Ilike BETTER.
Therethose ladybug shots atmetrobeach.
A adybug on tressbark might be good.
A hawk fliesover, a red tail, peee-ooo it says, soaring, circling,allowing itself tobe blown sideways byy the wind,and then tipping into it again.
I walk through a wet place with sucky mud (literally) and slip in it and aminstantly grateful that I'm able to regain my footing ratherthan plop into all that mud and water with all my gear.
I unzipmy sweatshirt and takemy hat off and stuff it inside. It is definitelyw arming up, rapidly.
Back past the skunk cabbage. Thereis lots of what might be coyote scatalong the trails here.
My watch says I've walked 35 minutes, so if I actually walked ten before, I'vealready done 45and the restis a bonus. I've a ways to go back and am not really sure of the way. Because I'msotired, I'd just as soon NOT her lost.
The thing that brought up that fool theme inmymind was the faux spacship in the cattails. I wanted to set up my tripod,wadeout and sit on it for a fool picture. I should getmyself sitting somewhereelse in anappropriate posture and Phtoshop myself into the pictureI took.
LOL. I'm notsure why I find such foolishness entertaining. :-)
I could colormy skin green andgivemyselflittle horns or something. Probably no one other than mewould be amused.
But I have more important things to do with my time,LOL! Serious things,argh.
That bold was an accident. I was trying to hit shiftB to capitalize the B and hit ctl b instead.
It's still very windy in the open, without the protection of the bushwhack. But the ind is somewhat warmer. Even withthe sun under acloud,it feels springy rather than wintry.
12:53 PM, my watch says 47minutes,but of course,Iwalkedmore than that. At least I walked the minimum. YAY! When I got here,a woman with a small child was leaving. Thereis one car in the way upper lot. Otherwise, I'malone.
I like this area much betternow that I know how bag it is. I haven't explored every trail yet, but I have a feeling for the size and scope of it. There is little to photogrpah, but definitley walkable and reasonably pleasant.
For my after the walk Patrick lawlerpoem, I read the samepoem. I feel significantly better now,not great, but better.. How come when I walk in the woods, I almost always feel better and when I walk in the city, I almost always feel worse?
When I walk in the woods,Idon'twant to leave,and when I walk in the city, I can't wait to get home. Keith says he likes to walk in the city. I wonder what he likes about it. To me, it's boring, though I must say this place is not exactly exciting. Still, the space and solitude and the plants and birds heal me somehow
I think the Sugarbush Parking Lot is off Old Wetzel Road.
Google earth.
1:17 I stop at Wegman's. As usual, I have no list. I know I need mushrooms. Batteries for the Psion,and some other stuff. Zucchinis,yellow squash. Maybe another Napa, I can take the unusued portion to Detroit.
It's very windy and the wind pushes cats around the parking lot. Gulls call. I read my before shopping at Wegma's Pat lawler poemabout Mengele and the dwarfs.
Very depressing.
My feet and pants are very muddy.
2:13 I amstanding in line at the checkout at Wegman's, a long line with a lot of stuff. I got one piece of salmon and one pieceoflamb and meat and fooffor the trip, stuff tomake cookies,a pear for the trip.
Mushrooms,zucchini,yellow squash. I hope I have everything Ineed so I don't have to shop again before I leave..
Oh,man,ICAN'T BELIEVE I did all that shopping and forgot batteries but I haverawmeat and fish and I can't go back to the store. WAHN!!
Dr. Aziz asked if I had a headache and I said no, but I've had one ever since I left there, at the back ofmy head and it seems to be getting worse. The back of my head is where the tumor is, but this seems to be a fibromyalgia headache from tense ligments and muscles back there. I really feel unwell, but I think it is from two sleepless nights back to back.
I've had almost no neck pain almost te etire time I've been in NY,but right now, my neck is reallly bad. Is the missing piece sleep,or lack thereof? Or what? What causes the pain and what makes it goaway? I don't really know, I wish I did!
It's hot in the carand warm outside, but COLD inside the house. I need to turn the solar on and warm it up at least some.
If insomnia causes the neck pain,what causes the insomnia?
-- I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats
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